greetings from corpus christi, texas!

i happened upon my own blog tonight and realized that it's been nearly 5 months since my last post... yikes! // in an effort to give yall the short of the long story, i'll try to cut out some of the unnecessary parts of the year since my last post. i'll try. // so just to re-cap, the last time i posted i was super-frustrated and angry with God since my job search had been unfruitful... i found myself all of a sudden without a job, without a place to live and my funds dwindling... // thankfully, friends who have become my family took me in (chateau rodriguez is worth whatever price you have to pay to stay there--i swear!!! and casa de loco is rapidly becoming THE hot, new place for young-adult castaways... really!) another friend put in a good word for me at a local bookstore and pretty soon i was employed part-time, enough to pay the bills with a little help from mom and dad. // in september, i was called for an interview for a job in education in corpus christi, texas. i drove to corpus on my day off from the bookstore, went to the interview in the morning, had lunch on a pier overlooking the gulf of mexico, spent some time in the water and then drove back to houston that same day. i knew i knocked the ball out of the park, so to speak, and that i'd be faced with the decision to accept the job in another city or hold out for a job in houston... // a couple of weeks later, the school in corpus christi called me and offered me the job... after some negotiations, i agreed to accept the position and make the move. the hr folks ended up having some delays getting my job approved and i was in limbo for weeks about whether or not my salary was approved and when my start date would be. // the hr rep said they'd call me to finalize details on a monday, and by friday i hadn't heard from them and called them to see what was up. this went on for two more weeks! in that amount of time, i recieved another call from a school in houston to interview for a position. i felt like i had a great rapport with two members on the panel of three and hoped to hear from them about the job. they checked my references the following day and offered me the job on the 2nd day after my interview! unfortunately, the job was an hourly staff position and while it had potential for advancement in the future, i couldn't be certain that i could live off of the hourly pay given my student loan payments that would start in december. // and so i chose to take the job in corpus christi. and this is where you find me now. // i have to be honest and say that i'm not sure if i made the right decision to move here. i left an amazing group of friends who have become my family, a wonderful young adult faith community at my parish and in the archdiocese, my childhood best friend and her growing family, and a boyfriend. // yes, a boyfriend. i met a wonderful guy at a speaker series event for young adults in the archdiocese. we met over an ice-breaker activity designed to get strangers acquainted with one another, and what do you know? it worked! we met that night and kept running into each other every monday after that at the series... on the last evening of the series, we were supposed to meet for dinner and drive to the event together, and we spent 6 hours talking and nearly shutting down the restaurant! didn't even make it to the event! // just a couple of weeks later he would accompany me on his days off from work on my interview adventure in corpus christi, arranging a place to stay, driving me to/from my interview, showing me around town and taking me to the beach. it was a magical day. it was also on this trip that we became "official." he asked me to be his girlfriend a week or so prior to our trip and i replied that i needed some time to think about it. (what a jerk thing to say, i know!) while on our way to corpus, i got pulled over by the texas state troopers for having a broken tail-light. the trooper asked me to explain where i was going, for what purpose and who was in the car with me. i said, "this is my, uh, boyfriend and we're going to corpus christi because i have a job interview tomorrow morning." and that was it... i blushed after the ordeal was over (only got a warning, thank God!) and we both laughed that it nearly took an act of congress to say that we were dating. when my mom talks about it, she says i had to be under oath and gun-drawn to get me to say it... haha // ironically, he happened to move to houston just a year ago from corpus christi, and just a couple of months after we met, i was moving from houston to corpus. arghhh, what timing! he's been so wonderful with my move, assuring me that i have to do what's best for me, my career and livelihood even if it means we have to date long-distance. he's a good man. // this is my 2nd weekend in corpus christi and i have to say that i'm a bit blue. i forgot what it's like being the new kid in town--everyone seems to have their own group of friends already or are settled down with kiddos, etc. aside from the student workers in my department, i'm the second youngest person there and the girl who's nearly my age just got married today! i've tried to branch out and meet some people in the catholic community here but it's been hit-or-miss... // the adjustment to working a professional job has been a little rough, too... i am under a lot of pressure at work in these first few weeks so by the time i get out of work i'm exhausted... there are some days when i've literally only said 10 words total (at most) because i have so much to read and process and not enough time to do it. so far, my job has been more solitary and less student-involved than i expected so i'm hoping that things change after i get these first few deadlines out of the way... // on the housing front, i am staying at my boyfriend's grandparents' house... no one has lived in the house for quite some time but the family has kept the house running in hopes to sell it at some point... in the meantime, they've been so gracious as to let me stay there until i get my first check and can afford to move out on my own. thank you God for their hospitality! // i guess i'll conclude this longer than expected post by asking for your prayers. i've been in a melancholy mood this whole week and have been feeling pretty down all weekend. the only bright spot so far has been a football game-watching party with my local alumni chapter! and the folks who came today were older than my parents, all the young-er people got to go to lubbock for the game. aaaaand we lost. :( // i'm trying hard not to throw in the towel and give God the time He needs to make things happen... i keep reminding myself that it took me a full year in houston before i made any friends besides my immediate family, i got involved in the running community, and then came home to the Church, and got involved in my parish and young adult ministry. // please just keep me in your prayers that i may be steadfast in my trust in God's plan for me here in corpus christi. // peace and blessings... you are all in my prayers!

make it quick...

quick update since i haven't posted in a while... living situation: currently have a roof over my head, living in my friends' room on a cot. they have been so good to me, i can't believe that i have been so blessed as to have made such friends in this city of 6+ million people. they are so much fun that sometimes when we all get home at night it takes several hours to wind down because we are laughing so much. so even though it's tough being homeless (per se), it's good times. on another note, a friend from church offered me a room to stay at his house with another friend from church. though it's very far (anything outside of the loop is far to me, and this place is in missouri city! basically in another country!) it's affordable, in a nice neighborhood and will allow me to get out of my friends' room and let them have their privacy back. i'm sad that i will be moving out soon but glad to let them get back to their normal life and routine. car situation: last week my new car broke down. literally, if something could happen to my vehicles it's going to happen this year. bleh. the radiator fan motor stopped working, causing the engine to overheat while i was in rush-hour traffic in uptown. bumper to bumper traffic and all i could do was wait my turn to pull off into a parking lot. lame-o. my parents stopped in houston on their way to/from a delivery in louisiana for my mom's work, and my dad and my friends' dad kinda tinkered around under the hood to try to figure out what was wrong. in any case, we ran out of time and had to take it to a shop. this time we found a mechanic in the 'hood and he fixed it and it was only eighty bucks! the only problem now is that my air conditioner doesn't work. :/ and yes, it is HOT in houston at this time of the year! phone situation: so far it's been okay. i've gone through 4 phones this summer alone and this one has lasted the longest so far. let's hope it keeps working because i'm getting tired of telling people, "lost my contacts, who is this?" when i get texts... grrr. job situation: i haven't had any serious hits thus far. none of the jobs i've applied to here in the houston metro area have panned out, or anywhere else in the state of texas for that matter. several weeks ago i started applying to ANY job that i'm qualified to do in either ministry or in higher education, and i've broadened my search to include any of the lower 48 states. so... hopefully something happens! dating situationZ: zip. zilch. zero. nada. next question... prayer/spiritual life: on rocky ground right now. i'm really struggling to trust that God knows what He is doing and that He has something great in store for me. the biblical story of job is constantly playing in my mind and i've been reflecting on what he endured in his life... and when he questioned God, God asked him, "where were you when I created the heaven and the earth?" like, don't worry, I got this. i've been talking things out with several friends who are spiritual mentors and cheerleaders at times, and they have all said that it's okay to be angry with God because of my current situation. but i keep wondering, is it okay to be angry with God when He's delivered me from such craziness in my life? can i ask for more from God than what He's already given me? so, so confused. i guess it's better to give God my anger and impatience than to give Him apathy. pray for me, brothers and sisters, i'm really struggling with everything going on in my life right now. your intentions are in my prayers, too! also, please remember to pray for the victims of the aurora, colorado, shooting and for the shooter himself. may God have mercy on us all. pax et bonum, crystal

living the nomad life.

let me start by saying that i'm aware that i am extremely blessed and so, so lucky to live the life that i live... and i know deep down that this is just a small storm i have to weather to see the sunshine again. i know to some people i will sound like a drama queen in this post... so be it. i hate asking for help, i hate relying on people for simple things that i should be able to do/provide for myself, and i hate feeling helpless and out-of-control. and i feel all these things right at this moment. these past few months have been a whirlwind... i set several goals for myself in various areas and while i achieved a few of them, utterly failed at most of them. i did manage (somehow) to finish my graduate program and earned my master's degree. so at least there's that... the proverbial silver lining, i guess. the short of the long story is that i've been dealing with car issues all semester and finally met my breaking point the week before finals. i'd literally spent my entire savings on fixing my suv and was still having problems with it, when i let my parents know what was going on and the stress i was under to complete my coursework along with dealing with the car issues... i was unexpectedly given some funds for graduation with which to buy a car or at least put a down payment on another car... after several shopping excursions to find a car, and after analyzing my budget and immediate prospects of graduating without a professional job, i found one i could pay cash for and all looked well... since buying it, all the visible repairs had been taken care of and now the mechanical, preventive work on it needs to be done... well, wouldn't you guess, i'm out of funds... again. i'm wondering if these "just in case" repairs are worth the gamble, because i can't afford to get stranded somewhere on the back roads of hwy 36 between lubbock and houston. it's almost 600 miles to get home and i'm worried about something happening on the road. :\ to top it off, once i get to houston, i will be sleeping on friends' couches until i find a place to live with a friend from church. we started our apartment search at the end of may/beginning of june with three girls looking for a place to live. now, we're almost at the end of june, there's only two of us left and we can't find time to make appointments to view properties. grrr. so... i'm out of funds, i still don't have a dependable car and i am literally homeless. i know God has a greater plan with me and this whole car/money/housing situation this year, but i can't see it. if there was a word for "beyond-frustrated" then i would be it. my despair turned into frustration, and now i'm on the verge of my frustration turning into anger. i want to ask for your prayers... for patience, for understanding, for provision and for faith. i imagine that i'm feeling what job must have felt during his trials. no bueno. ~c

real talk.

i finally decided to take a sec to update the blog because, well, i am at my breaking point and need to vent. i have to start by saying that as i organize my thoughts, i think i sound like a big, whiny baby. and that annoys me. :/ 2012 has been the year of expensive auto repairs. i am beyond frustrated with my old pathfinder because i've had at least one significant breakdown every single month this year. and i mean lots and lots of moola. every single month. :| i haven't seen my bank account this low since i was "living the life" in college, charging up a storm on the credit cards i'd signed up for to get the free (crappy) t-shirts. dave ramsey and his debt snowball wouldn't enter my life for about another 5 years from that point and i'd continue making financial mistakes right and left during this time. now that i know what a budget is and why i should have one (YOU should, too!), it sucks to feel like my finances are out of control. it's such a helpless feeling. i think i'm mostly annoyed that it took me such a long time to save up that money and that it was spent so quickly. when you earn peanuts like i do and spend $75 a week on gas for your vehicle, every penny counts. it hurts to see my bank account completely drained and still be no closer to having reliable transportation than i was on day one. so last tuesday my car broke down and i had an emotional breakdown. it was fun. and by fun i mean not fun at all. it was actually the worst feeling ever. in my crisis, i started trying to figure out why God had abandoned me. i reasoned that God didn't love me enough to meet my needs. i started trying to figure out how to solve the problem on my own, without God's help. clearly He wasn't helping much anyway. i made plans to call up and make amends with my last boyfriend. we didn't part on the most friendly terms but he is wealthy, professionally established and ready to get married yesterday. i figured i could fix the things he said were wrong with me and i would let him buy me new cars and stuff. <---clearly not a well thought out plan i also thought about finding a high-paying job doing something in the secular market. i figured that with my new career in anything other than ministry, i'd be able to afford that new car payment and a mortgage and buy all the stuff that would make me a success in the world's eyes. but where could i buy happiness and fulfillment? <---clearly another ill-conceived plan i even got mad at God for doing this to me. i couldn't believe that He would treat me like this, especially after i've changed my whole life and am trying to discern His will for my life. <---also not a way to deal with anything i don't know what i'm feeling now but i've decided not to call the old boyfriend, not to search for jobs outside of lay ministry and not to be mad at God. that's as far as i've gotten. i still feel defeated and helpless. but i guess i have figured out that being mad at God doesn't help anything, nor does trying to fix things on my own. i am having a rough time focusing on my school work and really just need prayer to help me wrap up my semester on a good note. i spoke to my parents tonight and my mom isn't going to be able to come to my graduation because of my stupid car. she has a flight to chicago out of lubbock on monday morning and she and my dad were going to drive in on friday and leave on sunday so they could come to houston and be back in time for her trip. but since my car is being a jerk, my dad is driving by himself and won't be here until friday night sometime and will work on my car on sunday and monday. he won't be able to drive my mom back up to lubbock in time to make her flight and if he can't fix it, we'll have to come up with another plan so that i'll have transportation when he leaves. i am just stressed with the end-of-semester school work, next-to-nothing finances and never-ending car issues. now my mom can't come to my graduation because of my car. :( le sigh. please pray for peace for me. i'm having trouble trusting that this is what God wants for me. and also that i won't be able to do a better job with the situation than God could. and that there's a reason i should continue with my discernment. -crystal

lament by audrey assad

audrey is one of my favorite artists ever and her recent album "heart" has several amazing songs on it that speak to me in different ways... 'lament' means so much more to me since i've made awakening... i've been struggling with this concept of finding and maintaining perfect tension in my life (or balance, you could say) so the first time i heard it, i was deeply moved. anyway, the lyrics are below and you can listen to the song, too... i hope it speaks to you in some way.

I'm Mary and I'm Martha all at the same time;
I'm sitting at His feet and yet I'm dying to be recognized.
I am a picture of contentment and I am dissatisfied.
Why is it easy to work and hard to rest sometimes?
Sometimes, sometimes...

I'm restless and I rustle like a thousand tall trees.
I'm twisting and I'm turning in an endless daydream.
You wrestle me at night and I wake in search of You...
But try as I might, I just can't catch You.
But I want to, oh 'cause I need You, yes, I need You.
Oh, I can't catch You but I want to.

How long, how long until I'm home?
'Cause I'm so tired, so tired of running.
Ooh how long until You come for me?
'Cause I'm so tired, so tired of running.

How long, how long until I'm home?
I'm so tired, so tired of running.
How long until You come for me?
'Cause I'm so tired, so tired of running.

I'm so tired, so tired of running...
Yeah, I'm so tired, so tired of running...
I'm so tired, so tired of running...

random update

i've been meaning to post for sometime but keep getting sidetracked every time... either by mental block or actual interruptions while posting... so, i'm going to try to get this one down superfast...

i'm kind of overwhelmed by all the decisions i've got to make in the next few months...

profession and vocation seem to keep running together, so i think i'm on the right track there... mission work seems to be in abundance so i'm going to explore a couple of options here in houston, elsewhere in the US and also abroad. so that's kind of daunting.

for the first time in a long time, i've begun getting to know someone in a personal, romantic-sort of way and i'm scared sh*tless. (um, pardon my french.) honestly, i just want to do whatever God asks of me and i'm trying to figure out where this new experience fits into His plan for me. i keep hearing His voice reassuring me, telling me that He wouldn't lead me down a path where i could get hurt again, but also asking me to give this guy a fair shot. let my guard down. open up my heart. let him in to get to know me. that's difficult to do when i've built up all of these impenetrable defenses to prevent that very thing... pray for me that i'm able to listen to God's voice instead of my own fears and insecurities...

i have an inextinguishable desire to travel... i'm trying to figure out how i can get back to brasil (ahhhh, brasil! que saudade!) and somehow work with the world youth day program... so... uh... anyone out there have any contacts for me to call and offer my labor, knowledge and language skills to in rio/sao paolo/belo??? :)

the living situation is still going okay, the retired couple comes to visit every couple of months but other than that it's just me in their big townhome in the museum district... wayyyy nicer place than i could ever fathom to live in... after may, who knows where i'll be...

the job is going well, too... yes, it's monotonous and the kids drive me bonkers sometimes, but, it's paying the bills so far and affords me the time i need to stay on top of my reading... school is getting tougher with projects and papers and exams, and the internship is coming along slowly but surely. i know i will reap the majority of the blessings of working with the team at adore... super-stoked about that. :)

pray for me as i pray for you...

pax et bonum,
crystal