san antonio, you're not so bad...

one way i can tell that i'm getting older and wiser is that it takes me about 2 weeks or so to process information, think about what i'll be blogging about and actually post the blog. i used to be able to do this on a day-to-day basis... no guarantees on the content of my blog (or whether or not my writing's getting any better), i'm just writing what comes into my head and what i feel in my heart... hope it makes sense and is worthwhile for you to read.

i've been making a lot of confessions lately in my last blog entries, and this one is no different. except, this time i'm confessing memories of relationships past which have kept me from visiting family and friends in a nearby city. makes no sense when i write it out like that...

i have been avoiding san antonio for about 4 years now, not wanting to face the familiarity of the streets and neighborhoods and fiestas and the haunting memories of the broken person i used to be when i was in said relationship. or the fact that i could literally run into someone who i don't really care to see when i'm in that city. or the worry that at any turn i would be confronted with a memory that would stir heartache, loneliness or anger in my heart. things i don't have any room for in my life now... perhaps you can see why i haven't really warmed up to the place in the past few years?

the funny thing about facing my fears it that logically, i know that fear is not of God. anxiety is not of God. anything that takes the focus off of God and redirects it back on me is not of God. i think pope benedict said it best in an address he gave to the pilgrims in st. peter's square last week--"those who believe need not fear anything, since all things are in the hands of God, who does not allow evil and what is irrational to have to the last word." i have endured much worse in this life already and God delivered me from that, so why would i--a fairly normal, rational, 30-year-old woman--be so afraid to face my fears of going to a certain city?!

really, the more i write, the more silly it sounds... ay ay ay.

well, i thought about it and prayed for courage long enough that i decided to do something about it... my aunt has been inviting me to visit her for years now and i decided that memorial day weekend i'd drive over, spend some time with her and my cousin and my cousin's kids... if i had time i'd swing by this singles convention i heard about and hopefully get to visit another cousin and a good friend while i was there. i hit the road saturday evening and got to san antonio just in time to see the hoardes of tourists who had descended on the river walk. my aunt lives really close to the river walk so i walked over and took in the sights & sounds... i walked around the west end (not sure what you san antonians call it) but i recognized some places and remembered some things from years past and was surprised that i didn't feel a thing. i am literally a million miles away from who/where i was years ago... what an amazing feeling.

on sunday i took my cousin and her kids to lunch and we got to spend some time catching up... i was truly humbled by the insights my cousin had on how our family has evolved since the passing of my grandparents and our aunt eva... the three of them were the nucleus of our family--the proverbial glue keeping everything together--so when they all passed suddenly some years ago, the traditions in our family quickly dissolved... by simply talking with my cousin about her perspective about what happened in our family, i was reminded at how essential forgiveness is in every person's life. we must start with our own family, and allow that forgiveness to pervade our relationships with our extended family, with our coworkers, with acquaintances... it should be a ripple effect that eventually touches every person we ever come in contact with.

my cousin made a comment that if you let past hurts go too long without addressing them, clearing the air and hugging it out, it gets more difficult as time passes to get the guts to do so later on. pretty soon, a once-strong relationship between brother-sister, mother-son, niece-uncle, cousin-cousin, and so on, crumbles into acquaintance status... isn't this true with our relationship with God, too? the longer we go without talking with Him in prayer, or visiting Him in Adoration, or reconciling ourselves to Him through confession, or participating in the sacrifice of the Mass, the harder it is for us to bring ourselves to even believe that He is there in our good times and especially our bad times?

i am so glad that i was able to spend some time with my cousin and walk in her shoes for a bit... afterwards, i took my cousin's daughter with me to Mass at Holy Spirit Catholic Church in northern san antonio... i had planned to meet up with another cousin on the other side of the family who lives really far north on 281 and i needed to find a church somewhere between the two places so i wouldn't be late... if you know me, you know the decks were stacked against me to be on time. lol i looked up churches that were halfway between the two places and found Holy Spirit Church had an evening Mass... and made it just in time! [thank God!!!]

before i get into describing the church, let me start by saying that i like to take pictures of the sanctuaries of the churches i visit... there is a familiarity, a homeliness, in every church that is so comforting to me... wouldn't you know it, but i left my phone in my car so it wouldn't accidentally go off during Mass and i didn't get a pic of the sanctuary?! argh... guess that means that i'll have to go back for a pic! :)

anyway, the church itself looked fairly new and rather large from the outside and on the inside it had a great, big baptismal font in the narthex and the beautiful pipe organ that lined one of the walls of the sanctuary... i love that when you walk into a Catholic church, the architecture of the building naturally flows towards the focus of the gathering space, the altar... it was just a beautiful church--modern, but beautiful.

as the Mass progressed, i felt something--an inner peace--that i haven't felt in a long time... i've had final papers and financial deadlines for world youth day and committee meetings and all kinds of things to divert my attention from spending time in prayer and i was reminded that i need to refocus my efforts...

the most beautiful part of the Mass was when the priest began to sing the liturgy of the Eucharist... i have been to only one other Mass celebrated that way and it gave me goosebumps... sure enough, as the priest began to sing, every hair on my body stood straight up and my cheeks and ears got warm... i closed my eyes and bowed my head and prayed along... at the sanctus i heard the congregation erupt in the most heavenly "holy, holy, holy Lord, God of power, God of might!" it literally sounded like a chorus of angels singing and i felt, just for a second, what it must feel like to be in heaven. i can't even describe the feeling... it was just an amazing celebration of the Mass, i felt so blessed to have stumbled upon that parish.

after Mass, i visited my cousin on my mom's side of the family and her husband and two, beautiful daughters... i handn't seen her in about 6 years so i was really thankful that they were available and willing to have us over for dinner... as my cousin and her husband and i settled in at the kitchen island to catch up, the more we talked the more i saw an example of a husband and wife who love each other, their daughters, their family and their faith community... i had no idea they volunteered as much as they do in their parish and was excited to hear that they will be catechists next year for elementary-age kiddos... the Church needs more people like them to pass on the faith! we talked about my grad program at UST, my discernment of my vocation and my upcoming trip to spain for world youth day... when i explained that within a week of praying that God would make His plans known to me whether or not i would be going to wyd i had all but $500 in hand for the trip, my cousin teared up. she said that the trip would change my life and she and her husband promised to pray for my safety and that of my group and that we would all open our hearts to God's will in our lives.

the next day, my aunt, my cousin's daughter and i had an early breakfast at the historic guenther house... i am a history nerd so i loved walking around the old wood floors and hearing them creak, seeing the architecture and imagining what the people who grew up in the house must have been like... i wondered what life events were celebrated in that old house... [like i said, i am a nerd.]

i am so blessed to spend any amount of time with my aunt, she always has a way of looking at things in a different way than i do... and nearly every time we get together our conversation always ends up at forgiveness... just talking with my aunt about her struggles for a short while helped me realize a need for and the want to give forgiveness in many situations in my life... i know she must be trying to figure out things in her own life but she very clearly and specifically recognizes the importance of family and forgiveness and starting anew. we talked about my trip to spain and i told her about how God literally made a way for me to go in less than a week's time and she teared up, too... she said that she felt that i was doing the right thing in following wherever God was leading me, no matter how crazy it might look to people on the outside... i am comforted by the fact that so many of my family members and friends are praying for me and supporting me on my faith journey...

after our breakfast i met with an administrator from the mexican american catholic college, next to assumption seminary, about a program i'm interested in doing after i graduate from UST... i will post more on the visit once i have figured out what i feel about it... but i just wanted to say that there are amazing things going on at MACC and i hope to be a part of their campus someday in the near future!

when it all comes down to it, the big lessons i learned from my trip to san antonio were about transparency, redemption, trust, forgiveness and patience. i keep thinking about that old adage that says, "time heals all wounds," except i'd change it to say, "God's time heals all wounds."

turns out, after all these years of avoiding san antonio at all costs, it's actually a pretty cool place to visit! go figure.