real talk.

i finally decided to take a sec to update the blog because, well, i am at my breaking point and need to vent. i have to start by saying that as i organize my thoughts, i think i sound like a big, whiny baby. and that annoys me. :/ 2012 has been the year of expensive auto repairs. i am beyond frustrated with my old pathfinder because i've had at least one significant breakdown every single month this year. and i mean lots and lots of moola. every single month. :| i haven't seen my bank account this low since i was "living the life" in college, charging up a storm on the credit cards i'd signed up for to get the free (crappy) t-shirts. dave ramsey and his debt snowball wouldn't enter my life for about another 5 years from that point and i'd continue making financial mistakes right and left during this time. now that i know what a budget is and why i should have one (YOU should, too!), it sucks to feel like my finances are out of control. it's such a helpless feeling. i think i'm mostly annoyed that it took me such a long time to save up that money and that it was spent so quickly. when you earn peanuts like i do and spend $75 a week on gas for your vehicle, every penny counts. it hurts to see my bank account completely drained and still be no closer to having reliable transportation than i was on day one. so last tuesday my car broke down and i had an emotional breakdown. it was fun. and by fun i mean not fun at all. it was actually the worst feeling ever. in my crisis, i started trying to figure out why God had abandoned me. i reasoned that God didn't love me enough to meet my needs. i started trying to figure out how to solve the problem on my own, without God's help. clearly He wasn't helping much anyway. i made plans to call up and make amends with my last boyfriend. we didn't part on the most friendly terms but he is wealthy, professionally established and ready to get married yesterday. i figured i could fix the things he said were wrong with me and i would let him buy me new cars and stuff. <---clearly not a well thought out plan i also thought about finding a high-paying job doing something in the secular market. i figured that with my new career in anything other than ministry, i'd be able to afford that new car payment and a mortgage and buy all the stuff that would make me a success in the world's eyes. but where could i buy happiness and fulfillment? <---clearly another ill-conceived plan i even got mad at God for doing this to me. i couldn't believe that He would treat me like this, especially after i've changed my whole life and am trying to discern His will for my life. <---also not a way to deal with anything i don't know what i'm feeling now but i've decided not to call the old boyfriend, not to search for jobs outside of lay ministry and not to be mad at God. that's as far as i've gotten. i still feel defeated and helpless. but i guess i have figured out that being mad at God doesn't help anything, nor does trying to fix things on my own. i am having a rough time focusing on my school work and really just need prayer to help me wrap up my semester on a good note. i spoke to my parents tonight and my mom isn't going to be able to come to my graduation because of my stupid car. she has a flight to chicago out of lubbock on monday morning and she and my dad were going to drive in on friday and leave on sunday so they could come to houston and be back in time for her trip. but since my car is being a jerk, my dad is driving by himself and won't be here until friday night sometime and will work on my car on sunday and monday. he won't be able to drive my mom back up to lubbock in time to make her flight and if he can't fix it, we'll have to come up with another plan so that i'll have transportation when he leaves. i am just stressed with the end-of-semester school work, next-to-nothing finances and never-ending car issues. now my mom can't come to my graduation because of my car. :( le sigh. please pray for peace for me. i'm having trouble trusting that this is what God wants for me. and also that i won't be able to do a better job with the situation than God could. and that there's a reason i should continue with my discernment. -crystal