yesterday, the associated press (ap) tweeted that box office ticket sales have reached their lowest point in over 16 years! that's a statistic that just confounds me!
i know several factors have contributed to the decline in ticket sales such as easier access to free media sources like hulu, new developments in technology which make the individual the 'star,' astronomical rates of unemployment, rising cost of staple goods, less disposable income, and so on. but the fact remains that entertainment has always been seen as the escape from reality.
during the great depression, scores of people who didn't have two nickels to rub together would often scrape together what they could to buy a ticket to watch motion pictures depicting a glittery past or forecasting a prosperous future... in war-torn countries, people flock to movie houses which show imported films laden with movie stars in far-off exotic lands adorned with the glitz and glam of fast cars, cutting-edge fashion and modern music. entertainment has been the tonic which temporarily cures us from reality.
what a telling sign of our modern culture that even escaping from reality through entertainment isn't doing the trick anymore. the excess of fancy cars, sex, drugs and rock & roll portrayed on the big screen can't divert our attention away from the millions of people losing their homes every day in suburban america. we can't turn away anymore from the homeless men and women who rattle change in styrofoam cups at crowded intersections. we can no longer ignore the buzz-word of the "unemployed" because our own friends and family members now find themselves without jobs. and there's an anxiety playing out in the political fracas of red vs. blue and left vs. right that just doesn't seem to be getting any better before next year's presidential election.
if not through the time-honored practice of escaping through entertainment, how do we escape from reality these days?
several years ago, God asked me to turn off my tv and follow Him on a path to discovering who i am and what i'm supposed to do with my life... at the time, i was a hot mess in all areas of my life. i was reeling from the heartbreak of my first serious relationship and didn't know how to handle it. so i threw myself into the bar scene to get away from the heartache--i tried to numb my natural feelings with an artificial remedy of alcohol. as a recent college grad, i was struggling to find my place somewhere between being a know-nothing kid and a know-it-all adult. my professional life had become a delicate balancing act between being an advocate in education and being the lowest girl on the totem pole of inter-office politics. and i was learning from the school of hard knocks how to be fiscally responsible with my new, grownup paycheck.
i didn't react well to the changes and i often found myself retreating into the imaginary realm of entertainment. many, many times after getting home from a long day at work i'd plop down on the couch, turn on the tv and vegg out by watching whatever sitcom or celebrity gossip show was on. i'd tell myself, "i'll just watch for a little bit to decompress from my day," but day after day i'd sit down to watch tv for just a second and before i knew it, HOURS had passed since i first sat down. literal hours had ticked away while i consumed what was on tv.
i knew that something was wrong with how easily i could get sucked in to watching what quite honestly was not worth my time... i can't even begin to appreciate what goes on behind the camera (like wardrobe, makeup, lighting or script-writing) but the most amazing technical aspects of a show can't make up for crappy content. for days on end i sat and watched shows which centered around cheating spouses, sexually active teenagers and other blatant attacks on the family.
at some point i snapped and got the message that sitting for hours in front of the tv was not doing me any good. in fact, i realized that it was actually keeping me from feeling what i needed to feel. i needed to register the pain of that heartbreak in the deepest recesses of my heart, i needed that transition time from college student to grownup to come to the awareness that balance and order are good things, i needed my job situation to remind me to stand firm in the ethical and moral standards i had long since set for myself, and i needed some financial mistakes to re-set me on the path towards independence.
God started working on changing my routine by asking me to turn off the tv--and surprise, surprise--this time i actually listened. i bought a journal and started recording my conversations with God. i wrote as He dictated this beautiful plan for getting me out of the mess i had made of my own life. i collected suggestions for spiritual reading and began knocking out some of the most amazing books i've read in my life. one byproduct of all the reading i've done in the few years past is that i discovered my imagination still works--woohoo! i found a spiritual director and found that elusive 'objective' perspective that so many of us desperately need and can't find in our friends or family.
probably the best thing i discovered (or re-discovered, i suppose) was the art of conversation. there is something so invigorating in getting to know a person by uncovering who they are, layer by layer, over a period of time. if you just want to know information, asking a simple yes/no question would do, but in a good conversation you get so much more than information... you get a person's story. you see what values that person holds dear, what experiences shaped them, which people were influential in their life, and so on.
a good conversation is a beautiful exchange of trust.
this morning i had coffee with four young women from my parish's young adults group and it was exactly what i needed! we were so lost in conversation that 3 hours passed like mere minutes and before any of us realized, it was time for noon Mass. we hadn't planned to be at coffee long enough to go to Mass together, but each of us had individual plans of going to daily Mass on her own. the Holy Spirit led us in conversation and getting to know one another so that all the conditions came together perfectly and we went to Mass as a little family. on this Feast of the Holy Family, that moment of clarity showed me that Christ binds all of us together in the Church as one big, happy, universal family. uh-mazing!
i got to thinking about all the blessings in my life that i never would have realized had i not been through that dumb heartache in the first place. i've experienced things i never could have even imagined because those many painful situations were what opened me up to trusting that God would not only meet but exceed my every need.
that brings me back to the point of this blog post--don't be so quick to substitute something else for the reality of your situation, even though you might think it's bad. God has a purpose for the suffering you are going through. as sure as the night turns to day, your sadness will turn into joy. take the time, as difficult as it may be to do so, to register what you're feeling and just sit with it. ask God what you should do with what you're feeling. and listen to Him when He gives you direction.
you'll see, just as i have, that the Truth is actually the 'escape' from reality.
pax et bonum,
crystal
Friday, December 30, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
charity in truth
first and foremost, i hope yall had a wonderful 2nd week of Advent! this week was pretty phenomenal for me even though i didn't sleep much, took 2-out-of-my-3 finals, have pretty much been stressing about finances over the holidays and am on the precipice of un-friending an old college acquaintance... wha? more on that in a sec...
here's a quick break-down of my week: on monday i had my last class in my favorite class, "faith in hispanic cultures," at my professor's house with my classmates... his wife cooked us dinner and we had a great time talking about nerdy catholic ministry topics and socializing... on tuesday, i spent an hour in adoration with my young adults group from my parish and afterwards we went to dinner and just hung out for a while. wednesday evening was my first final, which was difficult but did not leave me wanting to pull out my hair or cry by the time i finished the exam. on thursday evening i took my second exam and was surprised at how much information i was able to discuss different heresies in the early Church, the several ecumenical councils who helped define or develop doctrine to refute the heresies and also discuss the theology behind the nicean and constantinopolitan creeds. yay me! after my exam i went over to one of my good friend's houses and ate dinner, talked about our faith lives and prayed a meditation for Advent. today, after work, i went to dinner with two of my favorite sister-friends ever in life and just spent some time catching up and being silly. just what i needed after a month of being sick and stressed out...
see? told you my week was pretty phenomenal. :)
so what's with that blip i mentioned about un-friending someone??? uhhhhhh yeahhhhhh, it's actually not a new situation, it's one that i've been dealing with for some months now and if you're my friend on facebook you have probably read the vicious [and cowardly] posts this 'friend' has been posting on my wall accusing the Catholic Church of creating or starting everything from the holocaust to pedophilia to natural disasters to the financial crisis to the aids epidemic. yes, apparently the Church is culpable for everything. o_O [yeah, i don't get it, either!]
so, i think the general practice on facebook is that people post things in their status that they are either doing, thinking or find interesting/shocking/thought-provoking/meaningful to them. i am opinionated, i have thoughts and feelings and i am passionate about a lot of things, the most important of which [to me] is my faith. so, yes, i post a lot of stuff in my status about my faith--different links to videos or programs with information about the faith, articles or lectures offering opportunities for catechesis, even prayer intentions and requests. i know this can get annoying because i have friends who post ALL THE TIME about honing their craft as a club dee-jay or about their obsession with high-heeled shoes or how insanely boring their job is or how they're broke all the time. i get it. it can get annoying... but i also know that my friendship with them is a result of getting to know them and getting to know what's important to them and relevant in their lives, even if it's not important or relevant to me.
we all know that i love twitter wayyyyy more than i love facebook [and if you're on twitter, you can follow me at @girl_on_the_run--say hi & i'll tweet back and follow you, too!] for many, many reasons but one of the things that i do love about facebook is that you can 'subscribe' or 'unsubscribe' to your friend's statuses... perfect. so if i don't like the cuss words you keep posting or i don't care to hear about your latest exploits or see the raunchy pictures you post to your friends, i can unsubscribe from your updates and *boom* problem solved. this also works the other way around. if someone doesn't like my posts or ramblings about the Church or my spiritual growth, then they are welcome to unsubscribe from my updates. plain and simple.
so imagine my surprise when this 'friend' who i got to know during college started doing the equivalent of a virtual harrassment drive-by when he repeatedly posted things on my wall about the "occupy wall street" movement on my wall... i would get p.o.'ed because he would post things claiming that the movement represented me as one of the "99%" of americans on the bottom part of the earnings brackets... well, in my opinion, while i may be one of the bottom 99% of earners, the "occupy" movement doesn't represent me. i do not see any clear sense of purpose, demands for change or solutions to any problems. from what i've seen, the movements seem to be a bunch of over-grown children huffing and puffing around while stomping their feet and holding their breath. don't get me wrong--i'm not against helping the poor. in fact, that's one of the very tangible and actionable beliefs in my religion and the Church takes social justice seriously... but when the "occupy" movement (or perhaps just my 'friend') started hijacking religious language and supporting it with bible verses, it really ticked me off. and since he posted on my wall i felt that i needed to respond to set the record straight... so we argued back and forth for a while until i realized that he was the epitome of the "one-sided, Fox News-loving, religious right zealot" that he was accusing "occupy" detractors of being. he didn't want to hear an opposing side to his argument, nor did he want to be corrected by me putting the verses he quoted in their correct context. he would not stand for that. and for some reason he stopped posting on my wall for a time. i thought that was the end of his attacks...
well, i was wrong. turns out the silence was short-lived and vicious attacks started up again--only this time their target was not the political structure or economic turmoil in our country... his attacks now turned to my Church. and so the malicious and false attacks on the Catholic Church started when he posted a youtube video on my facebook wall. if you've ever heard of that crazy so-called 'christian' church which protests military funerals and is flagrantly hostile against homosexuals, minorities and many others, i'm sure, you kind of get the idea of the vitriol that his youtube clip contained... except the video was all the reasons anyone who had a brain would be against the Catholic Church. >:(
so... suffice to say that i was uber-p.o.'ed this time. political theories and economic policies are one thing, but to slander and outright attack my Church--the Bride of Christ himself--it got my blood boiling really quickly! every time he posted, i would write out a LONG response and then count to ten, delete it and go back and try to respond back rationally and with love to his accusations... sometimes my anger got the best of me, other times love won out...
after posting back and forth several times i realized that his issues with the Church have nothing to do with me or the actual Church herself... but they have everything to do with him and his spiritual journey. so while i can't change his mind or get him to see the err of his ways, i can pray for him and not allow myself to be goaded into a 'fight fire with fire' argument. and trust me, that is SO difficult not to do knowing what i know about him and his views on life.
the best thing i could think to do was write him a message to respectfully ask him to stop posting on my wall and that if he wanted to dialogue about the issues he has with the Church, i'd be happy to do so via email or by phone. i also had to say that if he didn't respect my boundaries, then i'd have to delete him from my friends list, which i don't take lightly. i'm not one of those people who add friends of friends of friends i've met here or there or add celebrities and other randoms to my friends list. the people i 'know' on facebook are people i actually know in real life. so yes, deleting someone from facebook is deleting them out of my life.
i prayed before i typed out that message and knew that the Holy Spirit would guide and guard my words from misinterpretation or escalating the problem. he chose to respond [not very politely, i might add] that he would continue posting things to my wall because i needed to know the 'truth' about my Church and others needed to know it, too. he said he didn't care if i deleted him because i would be just another Catholic who blindly follows the hierarchy and sticks her head in the sand about the 'realities' of my dying religion. his words were unwarranted, acidic, hateful and full of anger.
in all seriousness, please pray for him.
the reason i posted this blog is because i have come to some realizations in my interactions with this 'friend' who i thought i knew... he has always been rough around the edges, kind of like a bull in a china shop, and didn't really care to try to be respectful of others' feelings about anything. he liked to "tell it like it is" and didn't sugarcoat things. and in some ways, i appreciated that about him. i figured, "at least he's himself 24/7 and he doesn't try to pretend he's someone that he's not when it would be advantagious or convenient." during college, we'd get into raucous debates about dems versus republicans, right versus left, crazy liberals versus stiff-lipped conservatives. it was fun and i thought that it was all in good spirit. at the end of the day, we both knew we had done nothing to enlighten the other's perspective and enjoyed the sport of dialogue. at least that's what i thought.
so in light of the events that transpired over facebook, i realized that i am not as slow to anger as i hoped that i was. nor have i perfected the 'turn the other cheek' tactic which Jesus asks of us when we come under attack. it was also incredibly hard for me not to go for the jugular and hit him where it would hurt [if you get my drift]... there are things which he holds near and dear that i know i could have exploited to make my point, to make him feel the hurt and disgust he inflicted on me by insulting my Church and my Savior.
the phrase i kept hearing in my head when i'd get ready to hit the 'send' button was, "love is God's greatest gift to humanity," from Pope Benedict's encyclical, "Caritas in Veritate," or in english, "Charity in Truth."
though B16 actually talks a lot about economic issues and seeking the common good in this letter, he still expounds on the rich mandate from Jesus to "love thy neighbor." i took this prompting from the Holy Spirit to mean that in refuting the claims and accusations my 'friend' made against the Church, i still need to be mindful of his dignity as a person and to treat him with love and respect even if he doesn't treat me that way. and i needed to remember that my actions as a professed Catholic Christian do represent my identity in Christ. so i couldn't--and shouldn't--fight fire with fire. that pretty much took the wind out of my sails to continue dialogue with him.
something else i learned [that i'm not so proud of] is that the kind of company i kept when i was in college was keeping me from the path to righteousness... it's sad to say that many times i was the ringleader who was taking groups of people down in flames with me... i don't know how many people i led to sin or put them in situations or places they shouldn't have been... and i am truly sorry. through it all, i had many, many friends and family members who, like st. monica did for 20 years for st. augustine, prayed for my reversion to the faith... i just couldn't see it when i was lost during that time... but i am SO THANKFUL that they never ceased praying for me and hoping that i would turn from the life i was living and come back to the Church. by the grace of God i did, and i'm so happy that i did, but now i realize that literally hundreds of people i know from college know the 'old' me and maybe they're not ready for the 'new' me i've become in Christ...
so this situation with my 'friend' from college has caused me to reflect about who i was back then, who i am now and who i hope to become... what words of wisdom would i share with a group of captive teenagers who will in a few years go off to college and be left to fend for themselves in the real world? this is a very real opportunity i have when i teach my confirmation class so i should make use of the opportunity, right?
i guess lastly i will say that i have been fortified by several friends who have messaged or texted me to say that they were proud of me or happy for me [even though they don't share my beliefs] for sticking up for myself and my beliefs to this 'friend.' just when you think you're fighting the battle alone, reinforcements come in... :)
well, please pray for the situation if you don't mind because as of yet i haven't deleted the guy... at the very next instance of posting negative things on my wall he is a goner, so i'm hopeful that he respects me as a person enough to either unsubscribe from my posts so he's not reminded of my Catholic-zeal every time i update my status or that he just stops being a jerkface and posting things on my wall.
at the end of it all i have to say that i am thankful for the opportunity to love even when i am hated and for the reminder to speak truth in charity and charity in truth.
hope this helps you the next time your faith is challenged in some way... have a great weekend!
pax et bonum,
crystal
here's a quick break-down of my week: on monday i had my last class in my favorite class, "faith in hispanic cultures," at my professor's house with my classmates... his wife cooked us dinner and we had a great time talking about nerdy catholic ministry topics and socializing... on tuesday, i spent an hour in adoration with my young adults group from my parish and afterwards we went to dinner and just hung out for a while. wednesday evening was my first final, which was difficult but did not leave me wanting to pull out my hair or cry by the time i finished the exam. on thursday evening i took my second exam and was surprised at how much information i was able to discuss different heresies in the early Church, the several ecumenical councils who helped define or develop doctrine to refute the heresies and also discuss the theology behind the nicean and constantinopolitan creeds. yay me! after my exam i went over to one of my good friend's houses and ate dinner, talked about our faith lives and prayed a meditation for Advent. today, after work, i went to dinner with two of my favorite sister-friends ever in life and just spent some time catching up and being silly. just what i needed after a month of being sick and stressed out...
see? told you my week was pretty phenomenal. :)
so what's with that blip i mentioned about un-friending someone??? uhhhhhh yeahhhhhh, it's actually not a new situation, it's one that i've been dealing with for some months now and if you're my friend on facebook you have probably read the vicious [and cowardly] posts this 'friend' has been posting on my wall accusing the Catholic Church of creating or starting everything from the holocaust to pedophilia to natural disasters to the financial crisis to the aids epidemic. yes, apparently the Church is culpable for everything. o_O [yeah, i don't get it, either!]
so, i think the general practice on facebook is that people post things in their status that they are either doing, thinking or find interesting/shocking/thought-provoking/meaningful to them. i am opinionated, i have thoughts and feelings and i am passionate about a lot of things, the most important of which [to me] is my faith. so, yes, i post a lot of stuff in my status about my faith--different links to videos or programs with information about the faith, articles or lectures offering opportunities for catechesis, even prayer intentions and requests. i know this can get annoying because i have friends who post ALL THE TIME about honing their craft as a club dee-jay or about their obsession with high-heeled shoes or how insanely boring their job is or how they're broke all the time. i get it. it can get annoying... but i also know that my friendship with them is a result of getting to know them and getting to know what's important to them and relevant in their lives, even if it's not important or relevant to me.
we all know that i love twitter wayyyyy more than i love facebook [and if you're on twitter, you can follow me at @girl_on_the_run--say hi & i'll tweet back and follow you, too!] for many, many reasons but one of the things that i do love about facebook is that you can 'subscribe' or 'unsubscribe' to your friend's statuses... perfect. so if i don't like the cuss words you keep posting or i don't care to hear about your latest exploits or see the raunchy pictures you post to your friends, i can unsubscribe from your updates and *boom* problem solved. this also works the other way around. if someone doesn't like my posts or ramblings about the Church or my spiritual growth, then they are welcome to unsubscribe from my updates. plain and simple.
so imagine my surprise when this 'friend' who i got to know during college started doing the equivalent of a virtual harrassment drive-by when he repeatedly posted things on my wall about the "occupy wall street" movement on my wall... i would get p.o.'ed because he would post things claiming that the movement represented me as one of the "99%" of americans on the bottom part of the earnings brackets... well, in my opinion, while i may be one of the bottom 99% of earners, the "occupy" movement doesn't represent me. i do not see any clear sense of purpose, demands for change or solutions to any problems. from what i've seen, the movements seem to be a bunch of over-grown children huffing and puffing around while stomping their feet and holding their breath. don't get me wrong--i'm not against helping the poor. in fact, that's one of the very tangible and actionable beliefs in my religion and the Church takes social justice seriously... but when the "occupy" movement (or perhaps just my 'friend') started hijacking religious language and supporting it with bible verses, it really ticked me off. and since he posted on my wall i felt that i needed to respond to set the record straight... so we argued back and forth for a while until i realized that he was the epitome of the "one-sided, Fox News-loving, religious right zealot" that he was accusing "occupy" detractors of being. he didn't want to hear an opposing side to his argument, nor did he want to be corrected by me putting the verses he quoted in their correct context. he would not stand for that. and for some reason he stopped posting on my wall for a time. i thought that was the end of his attacks...
well, i was wrong. turns out the silence was short-lived and vicious attacks started up again--only this time their target was not the political structure or economic turmoil in our country... his attacks now turned to my Church. and so the malicious and false attacks on the Catholic Church started when he posted a youtube video on my facebook wall. if you've ever heard of that crazy so-called 'christian' church which protests military funerals and is flagrantly hostile against homosexuals, minorities and many others, i'm sure, you kind of get the idea of the vitriol that his youtube clip contained... except the video was all the reasons anyone who had a brain would be against the Catholic Church. >:(
so... suffice to say that i was uber-p.o.'ed this time. political theories and economic policies are one thing, but to slander and outright attack my Church--the Bride of Christ himself--it got my blood boiling really quickly! every time he posted, i would write out a LONG response and then count to ten, delete it and go back and try to respond back rationally and with love to his accusations... sometimes my anger got the best of me, other times love won out...
after posting back and forth several times i realized that his issues with the Church have nothing to do with me or the actual Church herself... but they have everything to do with him and his spiritual journey. so while i can't change his mind or get him to see the err of his ways, i can pray for him and not allow myself to be goaded into a 'fight fire with fire' argument. and trust me, that is SO difficult not to do knowing what i know about him and his views on life.
the best thing i could think to do was write him a message to respectfully ask him to stop posting on my wall and that if he wanted to dialogue about the issues he has with the Church, i'd be happy to do so via email or by phone. i also had to say that if he didn't respect my boundaries, then i'd have to delete him from my friends list, which i don't take lightly. i'm not one of those people who add friends of friends of friends i've met here or there or add celebrities and other randoms to my friends list. the people i 'know' on facebook are people i actually know in real life. so yes, deleting someone from facebook is deleting them out of my life.
i prayed before i typed out that message and knew that the Holy Spirit would guide and guard my words from misinterpretation or escalating the problem. he chose to respond [not very politely, i might add] that he would continue posting things to my wall because i needed to know the 'truth' about my Church and others needed to know it, too. he said he didn't care if i deleted him because i would be just another Catholic who blindly follows the hierarchy and sticks her head in the sand about the 'realities' of my dying religion. his words were unwarranted, acidic, hateful and full of anger.
in all seriousness, please pray for him.
the reason i posted this blog is because i have come to some realizations in my interactions with this 'friend' who i thought i knew... he has always been rough around the edges, kind of like a bull in a china shop, and didn't really care to try to be respectful of others' feelings about anything. he liked to "tell it like it is" and didn't sugarcoat things. and in some ways, i appreciated that about him. i figured, "at least he's himself 24/7 and he doesn't try to pretend he's someone that he's not when it would be advantagious or convenient." during college, we'd get into raucous debates about dems versus republicans, right versus left, crazy liberals versus stiff-lipped conservatives. it was fun and i thought that it was all in good spirit. at the end of the day, we both knew we had done nothing to enlighten the other's perspective and enjoyed the sport of dialogue. at least that's what i thought.
so in light of the events that transpired over facebook, i realized that i am not as slow to anger as i hoped that i was. nor have i perfected the 'turn the other cheek' tactic which Jesus asks of us when we come under attack. it was also incredibly hard for me not to go for the jugular and hit him where it would hurt [if you get my drift]... there are things which he holds near and dear that i know i could have exploited to make my point, to make him feel the hurt and disgust he inflicted on me by insulting my Church and my Savior.
the phrase i kept hearing in my head when i'd get ready to hit the 'send' button was, "love is God's greatest gift to humanity," from Pope Benedict's encyclical, "Caritas in Veritate," or in english, "Charity in Truth."
though B16 actually talks a lot about economic issues and seeking the common good in this letter, he still expounds on the rich mandate from Jesus to "love thy neighbor." i took this prompting from the Holy Spirit to mean that in refuting the claims and accusations my 'friend' made against the Church, i still need to be mindful of his dignity as a person and to treat him with love and respect even if he doesn't treat me that way. and i needed to remember that my actions as a professed Catholic Christian do represent my identity in Christ. so i couldn't--and shouldn't--fight fire with fire. that pretty much took the wind out of my sails to continue dialogue with him.
something else i learned [that i'm not so proud of] is that the kind of company i kept when i was in college was keeping me from the path to righteousness... it's sad to say that many times i was the ringleader who was taking groups of people down in flames with me... i don't know how many people i led to sin or put them in situations or places they shouldn't have been... and i am truly sorry. through it all, i had many, many friends and family members who, like st. monica did for 20 years for st. augustine, prayed for my reversion to the faith... i just couldn't see it when i was lost during that time... but i am SO THANKFUL that they never ceased praying for me and hoping that i would turn from the life i was living and come back to the Church. by the grace of God i did, and i'm so happy that i did, but now i realize that literally hundreds of people i know from college know the 'old' me and maybe they're not ready for the 'new' me i've become in Christ...
so this situation with my 'friend' from college has caused me to reflect about who i was back then, who i am now and who i hope to become... what words of wisdom would i share with a group of captive teenagers who will in a few years go off to college and be left to fend for themselves in the real world? this is a very real opportunity i have when i teach my confirmation class so i should make use of the opportunity, right?
i guess lastly i will say that i have been fortified by several friends who have messaged or texted me to say that they were proud of me or happy for me [even though they don't share my beliefs] for sticking up for myself and my beliefs to this 'friend.' just when you think you're fighting the battle alone, reinforcements come in... :)
well, please pray for the situation if you don't mind because as of yet i haven't deleted the guy... at the very next instance of posting negative things on my wall he is a goner, so i'm hopeful that he respects me as a person enough to either unsubscribe from my posts so he's not reminded of my Catholic-zeal every time i update my status or that he just stops being a jerkface and posting things on my wall.
at the end of it all i have to say that i am thankful for the opportunity to love even when i am hated and for the reminder to speak truth in charity and charity in truth.
hope this helps you the next time your faith is challenged in some way... have a great weekend!
pax et bonum,
crystal
Sunday, November 20, 2011
things i've realized about being non-committal...
submitting yourself to the will of God is a very dangerous thing; it is also one of the most liberating things you could ever do in your life.
once you commit yourself to doing whatever God asks of you, you have to do it. there's no backing out of it. you've already said "yes" to God... how can you say, "woops, my bad, God. i was just kidding!" what are you going to tell God--that you weren't thinking straight or had a momentary lapse of sanity? how can you un-commit yourself to following God's will?
see, commitment is a tough concept for me to 'get' because i've been non-committal for as long as i can remember. i actually think i learned to be non-committal as a coping mechanism for dealing with my mom's death as a child. as a 5 year-old, i didn't know why she would ever want to leave us alone. in some way, i guess i thought she chose death to escape her cancer, rather than choosing to stay with us on earth and suffering through her illness. yes, i know it's a completely illogical and irrational thought process, but i wasn't logical or rational at 5 years of age. and i never talked to anyone about it so i never learned the purpose of suffering--how we can be sanctified through our suffering depending on how we deal with things we're dealt--or why people even die.
a couple of years later as a tween, with everything about my mom's death bottled up inside of me, i remember hoping that i never got married because then i'd turn into a mom and might have to leave my children alone one day the way my mom did me and my siblings. i never wanted my children to experience that. what a tragic outcome on my part in dealing with my mother's death...
fast forward to life in my late teens and early 20's... as long as i can remember, i've been non-committal. in college, my friends used to tease me because i seemed to have a revolving door of guys i was dating for a couple of weeks at a time and then they'd be gone. sometimes i'd even date two of them at the same time... i'd date them, then decide that we weren't "right for each other." or i'd say that i wasn't "at that stage" yet where i'd want to settle down and get married, even if they did. or, i'd get bored and i'd lose interest and move on, plain and simple.
23 years would pass before i'd come to understand that my 5-year old sensabilities about life, death and leaving-before-they-left-me had become an impassible hurdle in my life... during my reversion to the Faith, when i reconciled what i had done with God through the Church, i worked with a wonderful spiritual director at my parish in houston and by talking things out with her and praying about them, i was able to see God's hand in every aspect of my life--good and bad--through the years. my non-committal attitude was my youthful(read: immature) way of putting up barricades around my very fragile heart which had never healed from losing my mother at so young an age.
somewhere in my brain, i reasoned that if i didn't commit to any one guy, then i was able to control the circumstances which made my heart vulnerable and could keep my heart safe. i got to call the shots and be in, or out, of a relationship as i pleased.
clearly, this is not the how relationships should function according to Church teaching. in fact, the secular definition of 'relationship' means that two things are found to have an association with one another or even a natural connection. in the Catholic understanding of relationship, it is only by relating with and to others that we become aware of our individuality. as we discover our individuality, we realize that we are naturally wired for community, for relationship with others. what a beautiful paradox, eh? [the Church has much to say about the specific relationship between a man and a woman, in courting and in marriage, and the purpose of the perfect, complementary nature of this relationship. if you are interested in knowing more about this topic, i sincerely hope you will check out john paul the great's theological work, "man and woman He created them: a theology of the body." there is so much to unpack in this work, so much more than just sex, it will leave you with your jaw open!]
so what's the point, you might be asking?
well, i realize now that i'm not non-committal like i thought all these years. i can see how irrational my understanding of why people leave (or die) was and what the end purpose of dating is. i realize that death is actually one of the best things that can happen to a person... in my mom's case, dying released her from the temporal pain she was suffering through since finding out she had cancer a few years prior. and because my mom was a devout Catholic, i know that she believed she would be reunited with our Creator when she left this earth. she knew that this life on earth was not, in fact, the end--it was just a jumping off point to the real beginning of spending eternity in heaven.
i also realize that dating is not merely for recreation, as was my approach throughout college, but it is about seeking out a partner who will help you get to heaven. there is a definite difference between dating and courtship, and hopefully dating leads to courtship, but more often than not, in our modern american culture it doesn't. the purpose of dating in our culture is to have someone to take you out to dinner and a movie, to buy you drinks at the bar, to flirt with you and tell you nice things, to spend the night with to make you feel like your physical needs are being met, to temporarily take your mind off of things that are too uncomfortable to sit with in silence. in my case, all of those things blinded me to the fact that i never dealt with my mom's death. the problem with that approach is that it's temporary, it's not permanent. and if we understand marriage the way the Church teaches--and that should be the ultimate end to dating and courtship--then we should share a unique marriage relationship with one person who knows us inside and out and can support us in tough times and kick our butt into gear when we need it. kinda hard to find a person to help you get to heaven when you're just thinking about when the next person will come along.
now, what does all this have to do with committing to following God's will? well, i've been doing a lot of directed reading, guided prayer, dialogue with people that i trust about what my vocation is, and i believe that i know what God is calling me to. i don't know when it will happen, but i believe that God has been preparing me for marriage. and trust me, it is difficult feeling that God wants me to be a wife and mother and see no prospects in sight. it is too easy to think that i will never find someone at my age and that i should just give up. i have plenty of good-intentioned people offering words of advice and offering to set me up so that i can find someone, anyone as soon as possible. and it would be really easy to get mad, get sad, or get desperately lonely. but, i have committed (for the first time in my life) to following God's will, being patient in His plan for me and seeing my friends' and families' offers to help as longings to see me happy.
i will not give up on my committment to following God's will for me, i will not lose hope that God has been working on someone who is going to be what i need to get me to heaven and that He will reveal this person at the right time.
so this is what committment feels like... i have to admit, it feels pretty peaceful!
pax et bonum,
crystal
once you commit yourself to doing whatever God asks of you, you have to do it. there's no backing out of it. you've already said "yes" to God... how can you say, "woops, my bad, God. i was just kidding!" what are you going to tell God--that you weren't thinking straight or had a momentary lapse of sanity? how can you un-commit yourself to following God's will?
see, commitment is a tough concept for me to 'get' because i've been non-committal for as long as i can remember. i actually think i learned to be non-committal as a coping mechanism for dealing with my mom's death as a child. as a 5 year-old, i didn't know why she would ever want to leave us alone. in some way, i guess i thought she chose death to escape her cancer, rather than choosing to stay with us on earth and suffering through her illness. yes, i know it's a completely illogical and irrational thought process, but i wasn't logical or rational at 5 years of age. and i never talked to anyone about it so i never learned the purpose of suffering--how we can be sanctified through our suffering depending on how we deal with things we're dealt--or why people even die.
a couple of years later as a tween, with everything about my mom's death bottled up inside of me, i remember hoping that i never got married because then i'd turn into a mom and might have to leave my children alone one day the way my mom did me and my siblings. i never wanted my children to experience that. what a tragic outcome on my part in dealing with my mother's death...
fast forward to life in my late teens and early 20's... as long as i can remember, i've been non-committal. in college, my friends used to tease me because i seemed to have a revolving door of guys i was dating for a couple of weeks at a time and then they'd be gone. sometimes i'd even date two of them at the same time... i'd date them, then decide that we weren't "right for each other." or i'd say that i wasn't "at that stage" yet where i'd want to settle down and get married, even if they did. or, i'd get bored and i'd lose interest and move on, plain and simple.
23 years would pass before i'd come to understand that my 5-year old sensabilities about life, death and leaving-before-they-left-me had become an impassible hurdle in my life... during my reversion to the Faith, when i reconciled what i had done with God through the Church, i worked with a wonderful spiritual director at my parish in houston and by talking things out with her and praying about them, i was able to see God's hand in every aspect of my life--good and bad--through the years. my non-committal attitude was my youthful(read: immature) way of putting up barricades around my very fragile heart which had never healed from losing my mother at so young an age.
somewhere in my brain, i reasoned that if i didn't commit to any one guy, then i was able to control the circumstances which made my heart vulnerable and could keep my heart safe. i got to call the shots and be in, or out, of a relationship as i pleased.
clearly, this is not the how relationships should function according to Church teaching. in fact, the secular definition of 'relationship' means that two things are found to have an association with one another or even a natural connection. in the Catholic understanding of relationship, it is only by relating with and to others that we become aware of our individuality. as we discover our individuality, we realize that we are naturally wired for community, for relationship with others. what a beautiful paradox, eh? [the Church has much to say about the specific relationship between a man and a woman, in courting and in marriage, and the purpose of the perfect, complementary nature of this relationship. if you are interested in knowing more about this topic, i sincerely hope you will check out john paul the great's theological work, "man and woman He created them: a theology of the body." there is so much to unpack in this work, so much more than just sex, it will leave you with your jaw open!]
so what's the point, you might be asking?
well, i realize now that i'm not non-committal like i thought all these years. i can see how irrational my understanding of why people leave (or die) was and what the end purpose of dating is. i realize that death is actually one of the best things that can happen to a person... in my mom's case, dying released her from the temporal pain she was suffering through since finding out she had cancer a few years prior. and because my mom was a devout Catholic, i know that she believed she would be reunited with our Creator when she left this earth. she knew that this life on earth was not, in fact, the end--it was just a jumping off point to the real beginning of spending eternity in heaven.
i also realize that dating is not merely for recreation, as was my approach throughout college, but it is about seeking out a partner who will help you get to heaven. there is a definite difference between dating and courtship, and hopefully dating leads to courtship, but more often than not, in our modern american culture it doesn't. the purpose of dating in our culture is to have someone to take you out to dinner and a movie, to buy you drinks at the bar, to flirt with you and tell you nice things, to spend the night with to make you feel like your physical needs are being met, to temporarily take your mind off of things that are too uncomfortable to sit with in silence. in my case, all of those things blinded me to the fact that i never dealt with my mom's death. the problem with that approach is that it's temporary, it's not permanent. and if we understand marriage the way the Church teaches--and that should be the ultimate end to dating and courtship--then we should share a unique marriage relationship with one person who knows us inside and out and can support us in tough times and kick our butt into gear when we need it. kinda hard to find a person to help you get to heaven when you're just thinking about when the next person will come along.
now, what does all this have to do with committing to following God's will? well, i've been doing a lot of directed reading, guided prayer, dialogue with people that i trust about what my vocation is, and i believe that i know what God is calling me to. i don't know when it will happen, but i believe that God has been preparing me for marriage. and trust me, it is difficult feeling that God wants me to be a wife and mother and see no prospects in sight. it is too easy to think that i will never find someone at my age and that i should just give up. i have plenty of good-intentioned people offering words of advice and offering to set me up so that i can find someone, anyone as soon as possible. and it would be really easy to get mad, get sad, or get desperately lonely. but, i have committed (for the first time in my life) to following God's will, being patient in His plan for me and seeing my friends' and families' offers to help as longings to see me happy.
i will not give up on my committment to following God's will for me, i will not lose hope that God has been working on someone who is going to be what i need to get me to heaven and that He will reveal this person at the right time.
so this is what committment feels like... i have to admit, it feels pretty peaceful!
pax et bonum,
crystal
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
you're a human being...
not a human doing.
i've been mulling over this thought for a couple of days now since father james martin, s.j., tweeted it (@jamesmartinsj). there are so many reasons why i love twitter (way simpler than fbook, for one thing!), but mainly because it's fun to 'see' the thoughts of holy men and women and their insights on Scripture, the Faith and living a christian witness...
anyway, this quip spoke to me for several reasons, the most apparent being that i am in a constant battle against the clock! no matter how much stuff i cut out from my schedule, i always seem to have more things to fill my time with... i always justify putting more things on my schedule than i can handle by saying, "volunteering and building community aren't bad things, so it can't be wrong for me to add this to my schedule..." and boom. just like that, i've over-committed myself to doing more than i have time for. again.
btw, would you pray for me that i learn how to say, "no," at some point in my life? :S
i know i haven't written much since coming back from spain and the brief time i spent in samos with the benedictines, so you may not really know how transformative of an experience it was for me. only a few people really know the depths of loneliness and desolation in prayer that i was experiencing prior to leaving for spain. it was heart-wrenching to go through but thankfully, our good Lord sent me the right people at the right time to speak hope into my situation. to those that helped me through that time of spiritual dryness--thank you. i am forever indebted!
when i arrived in spain, i was completely disoriented by my inability to tell what time it was because i forgot to pack a wristwatch and i was too scared to turn on my cell phone because of the astronomical cost of sprint's international data charges. for someone like me who is constantly running from place to place, it was a very unnerving feeling to have no clue what time it was without hunting down a wall clock (which the benedictines didn't have) or asking someone what time it was (gasp! me? ask for help? never!). in hindsight, though it was infinitely frustrating at the time, i am so thankful for that built-in schedule which allowed me to just be and not have to do anything.
in samos, i also experienced for the first time praying the liturgy of the hours. on the plane ride over from the states, i had the pleasure of meeting 3 great guys from auburn university, and they taught me by example how to better live out my faith. usually, i'd see one of them with their nose in a prayer book or silently praying the rosary or something, yet they were the most friendly, joyful, humorous guys i've been around in a long time. they reminded me that this Christian walk, though full of suffering at times, is a joyful walk, too! we are people of the light and of hope and our joy should be shared with everyone we come in contact with! man, did i need that reminder... [this was also a great lesson to learn before we landed in spain because upon arriving in madrid, we heard about the protestors who were antagonizing the WYD participants by shouting at them or throwing things at them... local tv stations covered the incidents and illustrated the differences between them and the WYD participants--it was easy to see on their faces alone! would you prefer to be angry? or happy? it was that simple to see...]
anyway, it was during that week in samos that i walked through the psalter with another FOCUS participant for the first time and talked about what experiencing lauds with the monks was like. every morning we'd gather in their chapel and had the opportunity to pray along (which i was able to do for some of the parts i could understand in spanish, sung in gregorian chant style) or just sit in silence and take in the sounds of the prayers. even now, every couple of nights, i find myself awake at 3 a.m. and feel drawn to join the Church in prayer. amazing...
much of the FOCUS retreat was about building fellowship and living our faith in community, being built up and building up one another by our Christian witness. sometimes, though, i'd go off on my own to walk the neighborhood around the monastery or to just sit in the spanish sun on a bench made of seashells, watching the tourists and townspeople scurry about or i'd read a book or write in my journal.
i relish in the thought of my time spent in samos...
back home in houston, in many of my classes this semester we've talked about the inadequacy of human analogies in describing the glory of God. the most beautiful man-made phrases crafted from expansive vocabularies are, in the end, limited by our humanity and vocabulary. so how do i begin to convey my experience with God?
i guess i can just say that i felt an enveloping peace inside the walls of that monastery. the foam-padded plywood bunks felt like a bed of feathers, put there with the express intention of giving my burdened bones rest for the week. the drafty chapel, cold while still being bathed in sunlight, illumined the lives of the saints, past and present, who accompany me on my walk of faith. and the simplicity of my day, centered around prayer, ordered the chaos in my life.
i think it's so easy to lose focus on the important things in a fast-paced, modern world such as ours... what's funny is the more you experience God, the more you get to know Him, the more you hope and pray that the spiritual encounters continue to happen. but little things get in the way--things like running, school, friends or family, money and job issues--and they rob you of the stillness and quiet that is needed to hear God's voice. it's hard to maintain a balance in life that fulfills our human needs to be social and needed and helpful, while respecting the space and silence that is required to unwind and be at rest in God's presence.
i'm 31 and i'm still trying to find that balance. and i'm still learning how to ask for help. in fact, the only reason i have the time to write this blog is because i was sent home from work for being sick. were it not for this ill-timed sickness, i probably wouldn't have checked-in until thanksgiving break... there is something really wrong with this picture. especially if i believe that God is using me through writing this blog to minister to someone 'out there' in some way. i need to check-in more often...
when i read fr. martin's comment, "you're a human being, not a human doing", it made me stop and think about how i got to this point of busy-ness in my life again. one of the things i'm learning to do is ask for help before i get overwhelmed... so, i humbly ask all of yall out there, would you please pray for me that i a) learn to say "no" things i don't have time to do, b) that i plan my waking hours to include time to rest in and be with God in prayer, and c) that i listen to where God is leading me, specifically in discernment of my vocation, whatever it may be...
pax et bonum,
crystal
i've been mulling over this thought for a couple of days now since father james martin, s.j., tweeted it (@jamesmartinsj). there are so many reasons why i love twitter (way simpler than fbook, for one thing!), but mainly because it's fun to 'see' the thoughts of holy men and women and their insights on Scripture, the Faith and living a christian witness...
anyway, this quip spoke to me for several reasons, the most apparent being that i am in a constant battle against the clock! no matter how much stuff i cut out from my schedule, i always seem to have more things to fill my time with... i always justify putting more things on my schedule than i can handle by saying, "volunteering and building community aren't bad things, so it can't be wrong for me to add this to my schedule..." and boom. just like that, i've over-committed myself to doing more than i have time for. again.
btw, would you pray for me that i learn how to say, "no," at some point in my life? :S
i know i haven't written much since coming back from spain and the brief time i spent in samos with the benedictines, so you may not really know how transformative of an experience it was for me. only a few people really know the depths of loneliness and desolation in prayer that i was experiencing prior to leaving for spain. it was heart-wrenching to go through but thankfully, our good Lord sent me the right people at the right time to speak hope into my situation. to those that helped me through that time of spiritual dryness--thank you. i am forever indebted!
when i arrived in spain, i was completely disoriented by my inability to tell what time it was because i forgot to pack a wristwatch and i was too scared to turn on my cell phone because of the astronomical cost of sprint's international data charges. for someone like me who is constantly running from place to place, it was a very unnerving feeling to have no clue what time it was without hunting down a wall clock (which the benedictines didn't have) or asking someone what time it was (gasp! me? ask for help? never!). in hindsight, though it was infinitely frustrating at the time, i am so thankful for that built-in schedule which allowed me to just be and not have to do anything.
in samos, i also experienced for the first time praying the liturgy of the hours. on the plane ride over from the states, i had the pleasure of meeting 3 great guys from auburn university, and they taught me by example how to better live out my faith. usually, i'd see one of them with their nose in a prayer book or silently praying the rosary or something, yet they were the most friendly, joyful, humorous guys i've been around in a long time. they reminded me that this Christian walk, though full of suffering at times, is a joyful walk, too! we are people of the light and of hope and our joy should be shared with everyone we come in contact with! man, did i need that reminder... [this was also a great lesson to learn before we landed in spain because upon arriving in madrid, we heard about the protestors who were antagonizing the WYD participants by shouting at them or throwing things at them... local tv stations covered the incidents and illustrated the differences between them and the WYD participants--it was easy to see on their faces alone! would you prefer to be angry? or happy? it was that simple to see...]
anyway, it was during that week in samos that i walked through the psalter with another FOCUS participant for the first time and talked about what experiencing lauds with the monks was like. every morning we'd gather in their chapel and had the opportunity to pray along (which i was able to do for some of the parts i could understand in spanish, sung in gregorian chant style) or just sit in silence and take in the sounds of the prayers. even now, every couple of nights, i find myself awake at 3 a.m. and feel drawn to join the Church in prayer. amazing...
much of the FOCUS retreat was about building fellowship and living our faith in community, being built up and building up one another by our Christian witness. sometimes, though, i'd go off on my own to walk the neighborhood around the monastery or to just sit in the spanish sun on a bench made of seashells, watching the tourists and townspeople scurry about or i'd read a book or write in my journal.
i relish in the thought of my time spent in samos...
back home in houston, in many of my classes this semester we've talked about the inadequacy of human analogies in describing the glory of God. the most beautiful man-made phrases crafted from expansive vocabularies are, in the end, limited by our humanity and vocabulary. so how do i begin to convey my experience with God?
i guess i can just say that i felt an enveloping peace inside the walls of that monastery. the foam-padded plywood bunks felt like a bed of feathers, put there with the express intention of giving my burdened bones rest for the week. the drafty chapel, cold while still being bathed in sunlight, illumined the lives of the saints, past and present, who accompany me on my walk of faith. and the simplicity of my day, centered around prayer, ordered the chaos in my life.
i think it's so easy to lose focus on the important things in a fast-paced, modern world such as ours... what's funny is the more you experience God, the more you get to know Him, the more you hope and pray that the spiritual encounters continue to happen. but little things get in the way--things like running, school, friends or family, money and job issues--and they rob you of the stillness and quiet that is needed to hear God's voice. it's hard to maintain a balance in life that fulfills our human needs to be social and needed and helpful, while respecting the space and silence that is required to unwind and be at rest in God's presence.
i'm 31 and i'm still trying to find that balance. and i'm still learning how to ask for help. in fact, the only reason i have the time to write this blog is because i was sent home from work for being sick. were it not for this ill-timed sickness, i probably wouldn't have checked-in until thanksgiving break... there is something really wrong with this picture. especially if i believe that God is using me through writing this blog to minister to someone 'out there' in some way. i need to check-in more often...
when i read fr. martin's comment, "you're a human being, not a human doing", it made me stop and think about how i got to this point of busy-ness in my life again. one of the things i'm learning to do is ask for help before i get overwhelmed... so, i humbly ask all of yall out there, would you please pray for me that i a) learn to say "no" things i don't have time to do, b) that i plan my waking hours to include time to rest in and be with God in prayer, and c) that i listen to where God is leading me, specifically in discernment of my vocation, whatever it may be...
pax et bonum,
crystal
Sunday, October 2, 2011
sing it...
okay, so it's been a while since i've checked in with everyone... things got crazy, i got behind with school work, work as a nanny has been hectic, yada yada yada.
sorry for the excuses. :| plain and simple, i haven't made the time to check in. please, accept my apology.
are we friends again? :)
in all honesty, all those things really did happen! i got back to school a week late from spain (which i wouldn't trade the experiences that i had at FOCUS conference or at WYD) but it has taken a while to recover from missing lectures and assignments... especially without any books! (another story, another time. ay yi yi!) also, i had problems with getting my schedule settled since some adjustments were made to my school schedule while i was gone, classes didn't make and some classes were combined, and the new classes didn't fit with my graduation plan or work schedule. so... it was a frenzied and aggravating 3 weeks getting everything situated but it finally got taken care of. my job has been a little crazy because the schedule is different than it was last year. i used to have my mornings to myself until 11:30 a.m. so i could get up when i wanted, do my chores or errands, read for school and then go to work. unfortunately, now i'm going to work in the morning and i have a chunk of time in the afternoon when both kids are at school. sounds like a good deal except since i have to wake up early in the morning to make it to work on time, i am usually dragging all day. then, considering i don't get out of class until 10 p.m. on alternating days, i just never recover from the lack of sleep. grrrr. trying to figure out how to make use of my time in a better way that doesn't involve a mid-day rally nap or not reading for school. suggestions?
i've also started running again to train for the houston marathon in january! so that has certainly added to my exhaustion but i know in the long run getting in shape will benefit me by having more energy, getting back into my "skinny" clothes (hellooooooo, saving money!) and feeling better about myself... not to mention, hitting another personal goal of mine which is to continue running marathons... internationally!
so much has happened in the past month that it's been hard to take the time i need to reflect over my experiences and really 'feel' what happened over those 2 1/2 glorious weeks in spain. the funny thing is, nearly every day i'm reminded of my fellow conference participants during our week in samos or later, when we were in madrid among the myriad of pilgrims at the world youth day events.
i find that my sharpest, clearest memories occur when i'm in Mass, specifically during the consecration. it's the most peculiar thing; it's like a collective album of photos of the insides of all the churches that have impacted my spiritual journey, and the priests who have celebrated Mass in my life flash through my mind as they are holding up the most precious body and blood of our Lord on the altar. it's a beautiful sight in my mind's eye. this past tuesday, i was able to participate in daily Mass with my young adult community at my church and it was very moving. first, there's about 30 young people or so who came to Mass and it was great to see how things have changed since i last attended Mass on tuesday. there are about 4 people who have dedicated themselves to picking out and leading the music for the liturgy, including a guitar player--which is great! i also noticed that we had a sacristan and a lector. i think when i was last there for tuesday Mass, we had neither. it was basically the priest who was 'doing' everything. seeing the young adults participate more in the Mass was great, it helps us be more involved in Mass rather than just be spectators and also allows the priest to focus more on the Eucharistic liturgy. anyway, as he was elevating the Eucharist, the choir sang the Agnus and suddenly i was transported back to samos, in the sanctuary of the benedictine monastery, among the history and the martyrs of the Church. i was able to close my eyes for just a second to listen to the sounds of the choir echo in the sanctuary and the people around me sang out and i realized that i could have been anywhere in the world at that time, participating in Mass. it was beautiful.
there's so much more i want to say but i just don't quite have the time at the moment. i promise i'll make more of an effort to blog about my experiences and my reflections and what i'm learning in class. it occured to me that somewhere out there, someone may need to read the words i write, not for my glory but for God's. to know the Truth and to know that they are loved. so i will obey what God is asking me to do and write.
ireally quickly--it was my birthday this past week and i'm now officially in my "early 30's." whoah. the one fun thing i did for my birthday was buy myself some new cd's from the christian artists that i love, such as matt maher (i've been waiting for this one since the day i purchased his last album--HE'S THAT GOOD!!!), gungor and josh wilson. one of the songs on josh wilson's cd struck a chord with me, so i hope you will check it out on itunes or youtube it to hear it. this is just a line from the song:
"You've placed this song inside my heart and all i know to do for You is sing it... no, it's not much, but it's what i've got, and all i know to do for You is sing it." -"Sing It" by Josh Wilson
i hope you have a blessed day wherever you are. please know that i am praying for you!!!
pax et bonum,
crystal
Sunday, August 21, 2011
all that & a bag of chips!
hello all!
i had hoped to write before we had WYD Mass in cuatro vientos but i didn´t know that we´d need to be packed up and at the local parish at 11 am on saturday to get to the airport!
the overnight campout was a lot of fun but it was a LOT of waiting. in the heat. with very warm drinking water. and more heat... turned out great, so it wasn´t too bad. :)
fortunately, the heat died down some when clouds rolled in around 7 p.m. the sky just started looking gray and you could tell some number of miles down the way they must have been getting some rain. eventually, the rain did hit us around 9 p.m. while the Holy Father was addressing the crowd. while we all covered up in our rain ponchos and umbrellas, the Holy Father was on the wide open stage getting pelted with rain and wind. the cutest thing ever was hearing him giggle over the loudspeaker and say, ¨what a storm!¨ there was a small delay in the program but when the wind died down he came back on stage. best line was when he said that we were all in this adventure together! the crowd cheered and you could sense the unity among the faithful. it was amazing...
what was absolutely astonishing to me was when we had Eucharistic Adoration on saturday night. 1.5 million people fell silent and worshipped Christ present in the Eucharist. you could literally hear a pin drop! i have never witnessed anything like it before, you could feel a peace wash over the crowd. we were all kind of worked up, especially after such crazy weather earlier in the day. no one seemed to mind what it took to get us to that moment because Jesus was SO worth it.
shortly afterwards, the Holy Father left and promised he´d return to celebrate Mass with us in the morning, God willing. sure enough, he arrived and we had Mass in the warm morning sun. we learned right before Mass that the storms had knocked over some of the chapels where people would be able to go to and pray before the Sacrament throughout the night. so we were not able to receive communion at WYD. it was sad not to recieve there but at the same time, another opportunity to go to Mass at our local parish.
we all got home after an hour or so on the crammed subways and then passed out at our host family´s house. i´m off to get ready for Mass at 7 and then to dinner with some FOCUS people. wanted to give yall an update from madrid before i left. i will be home on the 23rd!
just wanted to let you all know that i have been praying for your intentions daily and took them with me to Mass with the Pope today.
pax et bonum,
crystal
i had hoped to write before we had WYD Mass in cuatro vientos but i didn´t know that we´d need to be packed up and at the local parish at 11 am on saturday to get to the airport!
the overnight campout was a lot of fun but it was a LOT of waiting. in the heat. with very warm drinking water. and more heat... turned out great, so it wasn´t too bad. :)
fortunately, the heat died down some when clouds rolled in around 7 p.m. the sky just started looking gray and you could tell some number of miles down the way they must have been getting some rain. eventually, the rain did hit us around 9 p.m. while the Holy Father was addressing the crowd. while we all covered up in our rain ponchos and umbrellas, the Holy Father was on the wide open stage getting pelted with rain and wind. the cutest thing ever was hearing him giggle over the loudspeaker and say, ¨what a storm!¨ there was a small delay in the program but when the wind died down he came back on stage. best line was when he said that we were all in this adventure together! the crowd cheered and you could sense the unity among the faithful. it was amazing...
what was absolutely astonishing to me was when we had Eucharistic Adoration on saturday night. 1.5 million people fell silent and worshipped Christ present in the Eucharist. you could literally hear a pin drop! i have never witnessed anything like it before, you could feel a peace wash over the crowd. we were all kind of worked up, especially after such crazy weather earlier in the day. no one seemed to mind what it took to get us to that moment because Jesus was SO worth it.
shortly afterwards, the Holy Father left and promised he´d return to celebrate Mass with us in the morning, God willing. sure enough, he arrived and we had Mass in the warm morning sun. we learned right before Mass that the storms had knocked over some of the chapels where people would be able to go to and pray before the Sacrament throughout the night. so we were not able to receive communion at WYD. it was sad not to recieve there but at the same time, another opportunity to go to Mass at our local parish.
we all got home after an hour or so on the crammed subways and then passed out at our host family´s house. i´m off to get ready for Mass at 7 and then to dinner with some FOCUS people. wanted to give yall an update from madrid before i left. i will be home on the 23rd!
just wanted to let you all know that i have been praying for your intentions daily and took them with me to Mass with the Pope today.
pax et bonum,
crystal
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
ben-e-dicto! (clap clap clap clap clap)
just found out my host family has the internets!!! hooray!
wanted to tell you about a panel discussion session i went to today about the media and the Catholic Church... there were a few panelists that spoke today, namely archbishop chaput, the head honcho from the knights of columbus, the priest who was in charge of organizing wyd in toronto in 2002 (forgot his name!), a law professor and expert on women´s rights and family from catholic university of america and a catholic movie director who just produced a film called, ´¨cristiada.´¨ it was amazing to hear their perspectives about the attention the Church gets--both good and bad--and what they think we as a generation can do to fight secularism in our countries. mainly, authenticity in our Christian witness was the antidote. brings to mind one of my favorite verses which tells us Christians to always be ready to tell people the reason behind our hope in Christ.
i have just a few minutes left here but wanted to share some revelations that i´ve had while taking part in the festivities surrounding world youth day:
1) the Church truly is universal. perhaps this is not a new concept to all of you, so if you have heard this before, please bear with me... but i have always wondered why the Church continues to use latin when celebrating parts of the Mass, particularly the Liturgy of the Eucharist. well, as it turns out, when you get a ton of people together from all sorts of countries, ethnicities and languages together, it can be quite hard to communicate with one another. the beauty of the Catholic Church is that she makes use of a language that all people can understand and participate in, regardless of their native tongue. it all makes sense to me now. all 175+ of us from FOCUS went to the opening Mass for wyd yesterday and while we were in the nosebleeds-of-the-nosebleed section (and were half a mile away from the altar), we could still hear what was going on over the loudspeakers in latin and were able to participate in the Mass. it was an overwhelming feeling to be in the midst of a crowd of that size while praying the Mass in each person´s own native language. we heard german, french, portuguese, spanish and so many other languages all mixing together... and yet, we all said or sung particular parts of the Mass in latin in unison. kind of a real-life experience of what pentecost must have been like! truly mind-blowing how the Church is always changing, yet is ever the same!
2) the entire world is truly represented at wyd! i knew there was a small contingency of youth from my home diocese in lubbock, texas, here at wyd but i had no idea that i´d actually run into some of them! lo and behold, while standing in line during a bathroom break i actually met two young ladies from my hometown! they were superexcited to meet another west texan in spain... it was pretty surreal. then, later on today i was walking down the street to get to an event and someone shouted out ´´hey, texas tech! guns up!´´ a group of teenage boys saw my backpack and they all gave me their guns up! i didn´t have my camera with me but my backpack and i took a picture with them and we exchanged information. i hope they send me the picture, it was pretty amazing to have people from around the world cheering at me about my alma mater...
3) while i love to travel, i am not a big fan of tourists or touristy areas. the myriads of people, the badly coordinated travel outfits, the overpriced ´touristy´ food. yuck. one of the few drawbacks of gathering so many people together in one place.
ok, enough random things... Pope Benedict XVI arrives in madrid tomorrow and we are all so excited! gotta turn in so i can get up early and take the metro in to the city. our host family´s home is about a 40 min subway ride away so i´ve gotta take that into account.
i wish you could all be here! the Church is excited, on fire and ready to be sent out to the world, you can see it on all of the young people´s faces!! whenever there´s a group gathered, it´s common for people to burst into cheers of ¨santo subito!¨ or ¨ben-e-dicto!¨ it´s glorious. :)
i hope to write more later this week before we spend the overnight at quatro vientos airport to celebrate Mass with the Pope on sunday. no promises, but i´ll try. you´re in my prayers... please remember to add the priests, religious, laity and of course the Holy Father in your prayers!
pax et bonum!
-crystal
wanted to tell you about a panel discussion session i went to today about the media and the Catholic Church... there were a few panelists that spoke today, namely archbishop chaput, the head honcho from the knights of columbus, the priest who was in charge of organizing wyd in toronto in 2002 (forgot his name!), a law professor and expert on women´s rights and family from catholic university of america and a catholic movie director who just produced a film called, ´¨cristiada.´¨ it was amazing to hear their perspectives about the attention the Church gets--both good and bad--and what they think we as a generation can do to fight secularism in our countries. mainly, authenticity in our Christian witness was the antidote. brings to mind one of my favorite verses which tells us Christians to always be ready to tell people the reason behind our hope in Christ.
i have just a few minutes left here but wanted to share some revelations that i´ve had while taking part in the festivities surrounding world youth day:
1) the Church truly is universal. perhaps this is not a new concept to all of you, so if you have heard this before, please bear with me... but i have always wondered why the Church continues to use latin when celebrating parts of the Mass, particularly the Liturgy of the Eucharist. well, as it turns out, when you get a ton of people together from all sorts of countries, ethnicities and languages together, it can be quite hard to communicate with one another. the beauty of the Catholic Church is that she makes use of a language that all people can understand and participate in, regardless of their native tongue. it all makes sense to me now. all 175+ of us from FOCUS went to the opening Mass for wyd yesterday and while we were in the nosebleeds-of-the-nosebleed section (and were half a mile away from the altar), we could still hear what was going on over the loudspeakers in latin and were able to participate in the Mass. it was an overwhelming feeling to be in the midst of a crowd of that size while praying the Mass in each person´s own native language. we heard german, french, portuguese, spanish and so many other languages all mixing together... and yet, we all said or sung particular parts of the Mass in latin in unison. kind of a real-life experience of what pentecost must have been like! truly mind-blowing how the Church is always changing, yet is ever the same!
2) the entire world is truly represented at wyd! i knew there was a small contingency of youth from my home diocese in lubbock, texas, here at wyd but i had no idea that i´d actually run into some of them! lo and behold, while standing in line during a bathroom break i actually met two young ladies from my hometown! they were superexcited to meet another west texan in spain... it was pretty surreal. then, later on today i was walking down the street to get to an event and someone shouted out ´´hey, texas tech! guns up!´´ a group of teenage boys saw my backpack and they all gave me their guns up! i didn´t have my camera with me but my backpack and i took a picture with them and we exchanged information. i hope they send me the picture, it was pretty amazing to have people from around the world cheering at me about my alma mater...
3) while i love to travel, i am not a big fan of tourists or touristy areas. the myriads of people, the badly coordinated travel outfits, the overpriced ´touristy´ food. yuck. one of the few drawbacks of gathering so many people together in one place.
ok, enough random things... Pope Benedict XVI arrives in madrid tomorrow and we are all so excited! gotta turn in so i can get up early and take the metro in to the city. our host family´s home is about a 40 min subway ride away so i´ve gotta take that into account.
i wish you could all be here! the Church is excited, on fire and ready to be sent out to the world, you can see it on all of the young people´s faces!! whenever there´s a group gathered, it´s common for people to burst into cheers of ¨santo subito!¨ or ¨ben-e-dicto!¨ it´s glorious. :)
i hope to write more later this week before we spend the overnight at quatro vientos airport to celebrate Mass with the Pope on sunday. no promises, but i´ll try. you´re in my prayers... please remember to add the priests, religious, laity and of course the Holy Father in your prayers!
pax et bonum!
-crystal
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
que viva espana!
made it to madrid last night! have to write superquick, i´m currently in the middle of a department store waiting for the personnel to kick me off the comp.
had an amazing experience in avila yesterday after we left the benedictines at 7 a.m. from samos. took a 4 hour bus ride to avila, then spent the afternoon exploring the churches, monasteries and plazas. took your prayer intentions with me to st. teresa´s chapel!
got back to madrid after a 6 hour bus ride and then got assigned to different families. my family has 8 children all under the age of 10! they each wanted their own american! super cute! they are uber-catholic and have already taught us a thing or two about loving your neighbor like Christ.
only thing about madrid--it´s super hot!!! i woke up in a night-sweat twice last night... hmmm, how to fix that... no clue.
went to the love & life center for english-speaking pilgrims today... very hot outside and tons of people from canada, australia, malaysia and of course, the states. tons and tons of priests and religious around joking and talking with teens... great sight to see.
please leave comments or prayer intentions if you have them! i´m thinking of you all...
pax et bonum!
-crystal
had an amazing experience in avila yesterday after we left the benedictines at 7 a.m. from samos. took a 4 hour bus ride to avila, then spent the afternoon exploring the churches, monasteries and plazas. took your prayer intentions with me to st. teresa´s chapel!
got back to madrid after a 6 hour bus ride and then got assigned to different families. my family has 8 children all under the age of 10! they each wanted their own american! super cute! they are uber-catholic and have already taught us a thing or two about loving your neighbor like Christ.
only thing about madrid--it´s super hot!!! i woke up in a night-sweat twice last night... hmmm, how to fix that... no clue.
went to the love & life center for english-speaking pilgrims today... very hot outside and tons of people from canada, australia, malaysia and of course, the states. tons and tons of priests and religious around joking and talking with teens... great sight to see.
please leave comments or prayer intentions if you have them! i´m thinking of you all...
pax et bonum!
-crystal
Friday, August 12, 2011
so much to say, so little time...
hello friends & family! i am going to try to be brief as the doors to the monastery shut for the night in just 15 minutes...
quick recap--i made it to spain on tuesday after a short layover in charlotte, nc, usa and landed in madrid´s barajas airport... landing in madrid actually looked really similar to el paso, tx--dry & mountainous. it was beautiful, too...
immediately i could sense the excitement in the air, almost like an electricity that you could cut with a knife! in the airport alone we met germans, japanese, peruvians, africans... literally, the world Church is coming together to celebrate this joyous occasion!
we took a quick trip to check in to the monastery where we met the other participants of the FOCUS (Fellowship of Catholic University Students) international conference. austrians, italians, brits, americans, germans, french and of course, an american contingent... all of us youth in age yet maturing in our faith. such a beautiful sight to see the Church in action...
we have been blessed by the staff of FOCUS to have developed this wonderful schedule for the week. we have morning lauds (morning prayer) with the benedictine monks, then an hour of silent prayer, followed by a morning talk, followed by tea time, two more afternoon session-like workshops, then a lunch with siesta (woohoo!), followed by another talk with small group discussion and daily Mass. i seriously could not have chosen a better retreat experience... i almost feel guilty because we have 2 priests here with us to hear confessions any time and to celebrate daily Mass! im'reminded that in many parts of the world, people wait for weeks and months for a traveling priest to visit and bring them the Sacraments... pray for an increase in discernment of vocations!
thatś another thing: iḿ understanding more and more that to discern oneś vocation doesnt necesarily mean that that person will become a priest, nun or religious. part of undertstanding our vocation (calling from God) is figuring out how we can love others the best. for some, it may be the priesthood or religious life. for others, it may be marriage of life as a single person. but, to figure that out we have to spend time getting to know God so that we can hear His voice, guiding us and directing us where to go. i asked friends and family back home for prayer intentions to take with me to world youth day and so many of you asked me to pray for the youth, for increased discernment by our young people and for an increase of vocations... trust me, my friends and i are praying for these intentions daily!
i have been humbled by your willingness to send me your prayer intentions! truly, i know we are called into relationship with one another so that we can better live out our faith--what better example of perfect relationship do we have than the Holy Trinity, God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, right?--and i am beyond moved that you would take the time to ask me to pray for you and your intentions. the whole Church joins me here in madrid in lifting up you and your loved ones and covering you in Godś grace!
one final thought, especially for the young people back home in the states: i know it is difficult to live a life of virtue, to take the harder road, the one less traveled. i know itś hard to go into our schools, workplaces, and circles of friends and profess our faith. i know itś not popular to have moral certitude based on our belief in Christ. the big, huge, monumental thing i have learned is that WE ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS STRUGGLE! our brothers and sisters all over the world pray the sign of the cross, genuflect before Christ present in the Eucharist and participate in the Sacraments, too. they struggle to turn the tide of culture in their countries, too. but they are keeping up the good fight and so should we! let us be built up in our faith and resolve to be imitators of Christ especially when itś not popular. we are not alone. =)
we leave tomorrow for a side-trip to walk part of the camino de santiago where weĺl be on silent hours for the day. your prayer intentions will be with me on my journey... please keep me in your prayers, i would so much appreciate it!
iĺl do my best to check-in again once we return to madrid to be with our host families sometime on sunday or monday. til then, please pray for the pilgrims from around the world who are descending on madrid... spanish tv reports estimate that there will be nearly 4 million youth present for this celebration of the faith! pray for safety, pray for conversion and pray for unity.
pax et bonum,
crystal
quick recap--i made it to spain on tuesday after a short layover in charlotte, nc, usa and landed in madrid´s barajas airport... landing in madrid actually looked really similar to el paso, tx--dry & mountainous. it was beautiful, too...
immediately i could sense the excitement in the air, almost like an electricity that you could cut with a knife! in the airport alone we met germans, japanese, peruvians, africans... literally, the world Church is coming together to celebrate this joyous occasion!
we took a quick trip to check in to the monastery where we met the other participants of the FOCUS (Fellowship of Catholic University Students) international conference. austrians, italians, brits, americans, germans, french and of course, an american contingent... all of us youth in age yet maturing in our faith. such a beautiful sight to see the Church in action...
we have been blessed by the staff of FOCUS to have developed this wonderful schedule for the week. we have morning lauds (morning prayer) with the benedictine monks, then an hour of silent prayer, followed by a morning talk, followed by tea time, two more afternoon session-like workshops, then a lunch with siesta (woohoo!), followed by another talk with small group discussion and daily Mass. i seriously could not have chosen a better retreat experience... i almost feel guilty because we have 2 priests here with us to hear confessions any time and to celebrate daily Mass! im'reminded that in many parts of the world, people wait for weeks and months for a traveling priest to visit and bring them the Sacraments... pray for an increase in discernment of vocations!
thatś another thing: iḿ understanding more and more that to discern oneś vocation doesnt necesarily mean that that person will become a priest, nun or religious. part of undertstanding our vocation (calling from God) is figuring out how we can love others the best. for some, it may be the priesthood or religious life. for others, it may be marriage of life as a single person. but, to figure that out we have to spend time getting to know God so that we can hear His voice, guiding us and directing us where to go. i asked friends and family back home for prayer intentions to take with me to world youth day and so many of you asked me to pray for the youth, for increased discernment by our young people and for an increase of vocations... trust me, my friends and i are praying for these intentions daily!
i have been humbled by your willingness to send me your prayer intentions! truly, i know we are called into relationship with one another so that we can better live out our faith--what better example of perfect relationship do we have than the Holy Trinity, God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, right?--and i am beyond moved that you would take the time to ask me to pray for you and your intentions. the whole Church joins me here in madrid in lifting up you and your loved ones and covering you in Godś grace!
one final thought, especially for the young people back home in the states: i know it is difficult to live a life of virtue, to take the harder road, the one less traveled. i know itś hard to go into our schools, workplaces, and circles of friends and profess our faith. i know itś not popular to have moral certitude based on our belief in Christ. the big, huge, monumental thing i have learned is that WE ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS STRUGGLE! our brothers and sisters all over the world pray the sign of the cross, genuflect before Christ present in the Eucharist and participate in the Sacraments, too. they struggle to turn the tide of culture in their countries, too. but they are keeping up the good fight and so should we! let us be built up in our faith and resolve to be imitators of Christ especially when itś not popular. we are not alone. =)
we leave tomorrow for a side-trip to walk part of the camino de santiago where weĺl be on silent hours for the day. your prayer intentions will be with me on my journey... please keep me in your prayers, i would so much appreciate it!
iĺl do my best to check-in again once we return to madrid to be with our host families sometime on sunday or monday. til then, please pray for the pilgrims from around the world who are descending on madrid... spanish tv reports estimate that there will be nearly 4 million youth present for this celebration of the faith! pray for safety, pray for conversion and pray for unity.
pax et bonum,
crystal
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
lost in the wilderness...
Chapter 63
A psalm of David, when he was in the wilderness of Judah.
O God, you are my God-- for you I long! For you my body yearns; for you my soul thirsts, Like a land parched, lifeless, and without water.
So I look to you in the sanctuary to see your power and glory.
For your love is better than life; my lips offer you worship!
I will bless you as long as I live; I will lift up my hands, calling on your name.
My soul shall savor the rich banquet of praise, with joyous lips my mouth shall honor you!
have you ever felt like you're going through the motions of life without being conscious of what's going on around you? have you ever spaced out while tying your shoes, making dinner or filling up your gas tank and after-the-fact realize that you've completed your task?
if you've never been an astronaut like that, it may be hard for you to understand what's been going on with me for a while, but for the last few weeks you get where i'm at... actually, i'm not just talking about the mundane yet essential tasks of everyday life but also about my prayer life...
i haven't always been super-dedicated to praying every day but in the past four years or so since moving to houston, my prayer life has really grown... let's be real, my spiritual life grew out of necessity. i took the job in houston because i had been broken up with by a guy i dated for 3 years, and he moved on with his life pretty quickly. i was alone and sad in new mexico... never a good combination. so 600 miles was as much distance as i could put between myself and the situation at the time.
one day i just realized that God was the only one who could help me. i stumbled around for a while--after being away from the Church during college--looking for a way to get back in touch with God. ironically, my love for studying Scripture was borne out of visits to a friend's baptist church. for about a year and a half, friends and family waited patiently for me to discover what it is that i was missing and thankfully, i realized that i was missing the true presence of Christ in the Eucharist. and so i came back into the Church and hit the ground running, so to speak.
ever since then, daily prayer has become part of my routine--reading Scripture, journaling, going to Adoration, participating in daily Mass when possible. i have come to really enjoy and look forward to opportunities to pray.
this past semester was really hard on me mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. i felt like i was being put through the wringer, things were coming at me from every direction. i couldn't make time to complete my reading assignments for school and always felt behind... kind of like in a dream when you feel like someone's chasing you... except in my case, the people chasing me were my professors--two priests and an italian woman! not exactly the people you want chasing you! lol
i guess what i'm trying to say is that my priorities shifted out of a need to get things done for school. i would stay up late to read or write papers, then sleep in a little bit later to make up the difference, instead of waking up to read my bible or pray. i also used to do a 3 a.m. friday morning hour at Adoration, and i had to cut that out, too, because i was just exhausted.
all of this has been in my mind all summer as i've been trying to re-establish a routine to make time for prayer every day.
i had heard of spiritual dryness but had never experienced it... until now. i'm not trying to compare myself to a saint, but i'm learning that the saints really are the best role models for Christians to aspire to... aside from Jesus himself, the saints can offer great examples of sacrifice, endurance, faith, obedience, the list goes on an on... i came across the writings of st. teresa of avila and have been reading about how she, too, experienced desolation in her prayer... for YEARS she prayed and prayed and felt nothing but her own desire to be close to God.
i feel like that right now, like i'm wandering around the wilderness searching for God without a map. like i'm turning over rocks and looking in the bushes for God, and i know He's right there somewhere. a twitter-friend reminded me that what God asks of me is obedience and faithfulness in my prayer life. hmmmm.
even though i feel like i'm going through the motions of prayer without hearing God in my prayers, i know He's there. and like st. teresa of avila, i've got to power-though this dry time in my prayer life... if she can do it, i can do it too, right?
please keep me in your prayers... i really do want to converse with God like i used to... perhaps He is trying to teach me something during this difficult time in prayer? anyway, just pray that i learn whatever He wants me to learn and that i remain obedient and faithful to His calling.
have a great week everyone! :)
~crystal
p.s. - i'm about 3 weeks away from heading out to spain for World Youth Day! please pray for me and the other FOCUS participants... i learned some things about this trip that i'm kinda sad about (mainly, we're not doing the camino after all) and i'm trying to come to terms with that... i'm still incredibly pumped about going to WYD as this has been a dream of mine for about 15 years! thanks for the prayers...
Saturday, July 2, 2011
i will wait for you.
someone i 'follow' on twitter sent this link out last night, so on my way back to the humble from hanging out with some friends in the city and house-/plant-sitting, i pulled it up on youtube and listened to it on my pathfinder's audio while on the road.
my heart started pounding and i had tears in my eyes just listening to this young woman perform at a poetry slam... i don't know where it was or when it was given. but she. is. amazing.
when i first heard it, i thought, "man, i wish i had heard this back in college when i was being a bonehead dating guys that weren't right for me." today, i'm thinking that hearing this probably would have helped me figure out what i should have been looking for in a boyfriend while back in high school!
amazingly enough, i heard it last night after i'd been reflecting on my single-ness and the eureka (!) moment i had after talking with my best friend about discerning one's vocation... she posed the thought-provoking statement that discernment is so important that without faithful people in our lives encouraging us and orienting us towards discernment of our vocation, one might not hear God's quiet call to their life's work--whether as a religious, married or single person. so i resolved not to just pray that God would lead my helpmate to me and me to him, but that he and i would be blessed with people in our lives that would help point us in the right direction, and when the time's right--in God's time--to each other.
i hope you, too, are ready to wait for whatever God has planned for you.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
san antonio, you're not so bad...
one way i can tell that i'm getting older and wiser is that it takes me about 2 weeks or so to process information, think about what i'll be blogging about and actually post the blog. i used to be able to do this on a day-to-day basis... no guarantees on the content of my blog (or whether or not my writing's getting any better), i'm just writing what comes into my head and what i feel in my heart... hope it makes sense and is worthwhile for you to read.
i've been making a lot of confessions lately in my last blog entries, and this one is no different. except, this time i'm confessing memories of relationships past which have kept me from visiting family and friends in a nearby city. makes no sense when i write it out like that...
i have been avoiding san antonio for about 4 years now, not wanting to face the familiarity of the streets and neighborhoods and fiestas and the haunting memories of the broken person i used to be when i was in said relationship. or the fact that i could literally run into someone who i don't really care to see when i'm in that city. or the worry that at any turn i would be confronted with a memory that would stir heartache, loneliness or anger in my heart. things i don't have any room for in my life now... perhaps you can see why i haven't really warmed up to the place in the past few years?
the funny thing about facing my fears it that logically, i know that fear is not of God. anxiety is not of God. anything that takes the focus off of God and redirects it back on me is not of God. i think pope benedict said it best in an address he gave to the pilgrims in st. peter's square last week--"those who believe need not fear anything, since all things are in the hands of God, who does not allow evil and what is irrational to have to the last word." i have endured much worse in this life already and God delivered me from that, so why would i--a fairly normal, rational, 30-year-old woman--be so afraid to face my fears of going to a certain city?!
really, the more i write, the more silly it sounds... ay ay ay.
well, i thought about it and prayed for courage long enough that i decided to do something about it... my aunt has been inviting me to visit her for years now and i decided that memorial day weekend i'd drive over, spend some time with her and my cousin and my cousin's kids... if i had time i'd swing by this singles convention i heard about and hopefully get to visit another cousin and a good friend while i was there. i hit the road saturday evening and got to san antonio just in time to see the hoardes of tourists who had descended on the river walk. my aunt lives really close to the river walk so i walked over and took in the sights & sounds... i walked around the west end (not sure what you san antonians call it) but i recognized some places and remembered some things from years past and was surprised that i didn't feel a thing. i am literally a million miles away from who/where i was years ago... what an amazing feeling.
on sunday i took my cousin and her kids to lunch and we got to spend some time catching up... i was truly humbled by the insights my cousin had on how our family has evolved since the passing of my grandparents and our aunt eva... the three of them were the nucleus of our family--the proverbial glue keeping everything together--so when they all passed suddenly some years ago, the traditions in our family quickly dissolved... by simply talking with my cousin about her perspective about what happened in our family, i was reminded at how essential forgiveness is in every person's life. we must start with our own family, and allow that forgiveness to pervade our relationships with our extended family, with our coworkers, with acquaintances... it should be a ripple effect that eventually touches every person we ever come in contact with.
my cousin made a comment that if you let past hurts go too long without addressing them, clearing the air and hugging it out, it gets more difficult as time passes to get the guts to do so later on. pretty soon, a once-strong relationship between brother-sister, mother-son, niece-uncle, cousin-cousin, and so on, crumbles into acquaintance status... isn't this true with our relationship with God, too? the longer we go without talking with Him in prayer, or visiting Him in Adoration, or reconciling ourselves to Him through confession, or participating in the sacrifice of the Mass, the harder it is for us to bring ourselves to even believe that He is there in our good times and especially our bad times?
i am so glad that i was able to spend some time with my cousin and walk in her shoes for a bit... afterwards, i took my cousin's daughter with me to Mass at Holy Spirit Catholic Church in northern san antonio... i had planned to meet up with another cousin on the other side of the family who lives really far north on 281 and i needed to find a church somewhere between the two places so i wouldn't be late... if you know me, you know the decks were stacked against me to be on time. lol i looked up churches that were halfway between the two places and found Holy Spirit Church had an evening Mass... and made it just in time! [thank God!!!]
before i get into describing the church, let me start by saying that i like to take pictures of the sanctuaries of the churches i visit... there is a familiarity, a homeliness, in every church that is so comforting to me... wouldn't you know it, but i left my phone in my car so it wouldn't accidentally go off during Mass and i didn't get a pic of the sanctuary?! argh... guess that means that i'll have to go back for a pic! :)
anyway, the church itself looked fairly new and rather large from the outside and on the inside it had a great, big baptismal font in the narthex and the beautiful pipe organ that lined one of the walls of the sanctuary... i love that when you walk into a Catholic church, the architecture of the building naturally flows towards the focus of the gathering space, the altar... it was just a beautiful church--modern, but beautiful.
as the Mass progressed, i felt something--an inner peace--that i haven't felt in a long time... i've had final papers and financial deadlines for world youth day and committee meetings and all kinds of things to divert my attention from spending time in prayer and i was reminded that i need to refocus my efforts...
the most beautiful part of the Mass was when the priest began to sing the liturgy of the Eucharist... i have been to only one other Mass celebrated that way and it gave me goosebumps... sure enough, as the priest began to sing, every hair on my body stood straight up and my cheeks and ears got warm... i closed my eyes and bowed my head and prayed along... at the sanctus i heard the congregation erupt in the most heavenly "holy, holy, holy Lord, God of power, God of might!" it literally sounded like a chorus of angels singing and i felt, just for a second, what it must feel like to be in heaven. i can't even describe the feeling... it was just an amazing celebration of the Mass, i felt so blessed to have stumbled upon that parish.
after Mass, i visited my cousin on my mom's side of the family and her husband and two, beautiful daughters... i handn't seen her in about 6 years so i was really thankful that they were available and willing to have us over for dinner... as my cousin and her husband and i settled in at the kitchen island to catch up, the more we talked the more i saw an example of a husband and wife who love each other, their daughters, their family and their faith community... i had no idea they volunteered as much as they do in their parish and was excited to hear that they will be catechists next year for elementary-age kiddos... the Church needs more people like them to pass on the faith! we talked about my grad program at UST, my discernment of my vocation and my upcoming trip to spain for world youth day... when i explained that within a week of praying that God would make His plans known to me whether or not i would be going to wyd i had all but $500 in hand for the trip, my cousin teared up. she said that the trip would change my life and she and her husband promised to pray for my safety and that of my group and that we would all open our hearts to God's will in our lives.
the next day, my aunt, my cousin's daughter and i had an early breakfast at the historic guenther house... i am a history nerd so i loved walking around the old wood floors and hearing them creak, seeing the architecture and imagining what the people who grew up in the house must have been like... i wondered what life events were celebrated in that old house... [like i said, i am a nerd.]
i am so blessed to spend any amount of time with my aunt, she always has a way of looking at things in a different way than i do... and nearly every time we get together our conversation always ends up at forgiveness... just talking with my aunt about her struggles for a short while helped me realize a need for and the want to give forgiveness in many situations in my life... i know she must be trying to figure out things in her own life but she very clearly and specifically recognizes the importance of family and forgiveness and starting anew. we talked about my trip to spain and i told her about how God literally made a way for me to go in less than a week's time and she teared up, too... she said that she felt that i was doing the right thing in following wherever God was leading me, no matter how crazy it might look to people on the outside... i am comforted by the fact that so many of my family members and friends are praying for me and supporting me on my faith journey...
after our breakfast i met with an administrator from the mexican american catholic college, next to assumption seminary, about a program i'm interested in doing after i graduate from UST... i will post more on the visit once i have figured out what i feel about it... but i just wanted to say that there are amazing things going on at MACC and i hope to be a part of their campus someday in the near future!
when it all comes down to it, the big lessons i learned from my trip to san antonio were about transparency, redemption, trust, forgiveness and patience. i keep thinking about that old adage that says, "time heals all wounds," except i'd change it to say, "God's time heals all wounds."
turns out, after all these years of avoiding san antonio at all costs, it's actually a pretty cool place to visit! go figure.
i've been making a lot of confessions lately in my last blog entries, and this one is no different. except, this time i'm confessing memories of relationships past which have kept me from visiting family and friends in a nearby city. makes no sense when i write it out like that...
i have been avoiding san antonio for about 4 years now, not wanting to face the familiarity of the streets and neighborhoods and fiestas and the haunting memories of the broken person i used to be when i was in said relationship. or the fact that i could literally run into someone who i don't really care to see when i'm in that city. or the worry that at any turn i would be confronted with a memory that would stir heartache, loneliness or anger in my heart. things i don't have any room for in my life now... perhaps you can see why i haven't really warmed up to the place in the past few years?
the funny thing about facing my fears it that logically, i know that fear is not of God. anxiety is not of God. anything that takes the focus off of God and redirects it back on me is not of God. i think pope benedict said it best in an address he gave to the pilgrims in st. peter's square last week--"those who believe need not fear anything, since all things are in the hands of God, who does not allow evil and what is irrational to have to the last word." i have endured much worse in this life already and God delivered me from that, so why would i--a fairly normal, rational, 30-year-old woman--be so afraid to face my fears of going to a certain city?!
really, the more i write, the more silly it sounds... ay ay ay.
well, i thought about it and prayed for courage long enough that i decided to do something about it... my aunt has been inviting me to visit her for years now and i decided that memorial day weekend i'd drive over, spend some time with her and my cousin and my cousin's kids... if i had time i'd swing by this singles convention i heard about and hopefully get to visit another cousin and a good friend while i was there. i hit the road saturday evening and got to san antonio just in time to see the hoardes of tourists who had descended on the river walk. my aunt lives really close to the river walk so i walked over and took in the sights & sounds... i walked around the west end (not sure what you san antonians call it) but i recognized some places and remembered some things from years past and was surprised that i didn't feel a thing. i am literally a million miles away from who/where i was years ago... what an amazing feeling.
on sunday i took my cousin and her kids to lunch and we got to spend some time catching up... i was truly humbled by the insights my cousin had on how our family has evolved since the passing of my grandparents and our aunt eva... the three of them were the nucleus of our family--the proverbial glue keeping everything together--so when they all passed suddenly some years ago, the traditions in our family quickly dissolved... by simply talking with my cousin about her perspective about what happened in our family, i was reminded at how essential forgiveness is in every person's life. we must start with our own family, and allow that forgiveness to pervade our relationships with our extended family, with our coworkers, with acquaintances... it should be a ripple effect that eventually touches every person we ever come in contact with.
my cousin made a comment that if you let past hurts go too long without addressing them, clearing the air and hugging it out, it gets more difficult as time passes to get the guts to do so later on. pretty soon, a once-strong relationship between brother-sister, mother-son, niece-uncle, cousin-cousin, and so on, crumbles into acquaintance status... isn't this true with our relationship with God, too? the longer we go without talking with Him in prayer, or visiting Him in Adoration, or reconciling ourselves to Him through confession, or participating in the sacrifice of the Mass, the harder it is for us to bring ourselves to even believe that He is there in our good times and especially our bad times?
i am so glad that i was able to spend some time with my cousin and walk in her shoes for a bit... afterwards, i took my cousin's daughter with me to Mass at Holy Spirit Catholic Church in northern san antonio... i had planned to meet up with another cousin on the other side of the family who lives really far north on 281 and i needed to find a church somewhere between the two places so i wouldn't be late... if you know me, you know the decks were stacked against me to be on time. lol i looked up churches that were halfway between the two places and found Holy Spirit Church had an evening Mass... and made it just in time! [thank God!!!]
before i get into describing the church, let me start by saying that i like to take pictures of the sanctuaries of the churches i visit... there is a familiarity, a homeliness, in every church that is so comforting to me... wouldn't you know it, but i left my phone in my car so it wouldn't accidentally go off during Mass and i didn't get a pic of the sanctuary?! argh... guess that means that i'll have to go back for a pic! :)
anyway, the church itself looked fairly new and rather large from the outside and on the inside it had a great, big baptismal font in the narthex and the beautiful pipe organ that lined one of the walls of the sanctuary... i love that when you walk into a Catholic church, the architecture of the building naturally flows towards the focus of the gathering space, the altar... it was just a beautiful church--modern, but beautiful.
as the Mass progressed, i felt something--an inner peace--that i haven't felt in a long time... i've had final papers and financial deadlines for world youth day and committee meetings and all kinds of things to divert my attention from spending time in prayer and i was reminded that i need to refocus my efforts...
the most beautiful part of the Mass was when the priest began to sing the liturgy of the Eucharist... i have been to only one other Mass celebrated that way and it gave me goosebumps... sure enough, as the priest began to sing, every hair on my body stood straight up and my cheeks and ears got warm... i closed my eyes and bowed my head and prayed along... at the sanctus i heard the congregation erupt in the most heavenly "holy, holy, holy Lord, God of power, God of might!" it literally sounded like a chorus of angels singing and i felt, just for a second, what it must feel like to be in heaven. i can't even describe the feeling... it was just an amazing celebration of the Mass, i felt so blessed to have stumbled upon that parish.
after Mass, i visited my cousin on my mom's side of the family and her husband and two, beautiful daughters... i handn't seen her in about 6 years so i was really thankful that they were available and willing to have us over for dinner... as my cousin and her husband and i settled in at the kitchen island to catch up, the more we talked the more i saw an example of a husband and wife who love each other, their daughters, their family and their faith community... i had no idea they volunteered as much as they do in their parish and was excited to hear that they will be catechists next year for elementary-age kiddos... the Church needs more people like them to pass on the faith! we talked about my grad program at UST, my discernment of my vocation and my upcoming trip to spain for world youth day... when i explained that within a week of praying that God would make His plans known to me whether or not i would be going to wyd i had all but $500 in hand for the trip, my cousin teared up. she said that the trip would change my life and she and her husband promised to pray for my safety and that of my group and that we would all open our hearts to God's will in our lives.
the next day, my aunt, my cousin's daughter and i had an early breakfast at the historic guenther house... i am a history nerd so i loved walking around the old wood floors and hearing them creak, seeing the architecture and imagining what the people who grew up in the house must have been like... i wondered what life events were celebrated in that old house... [like i said, i am a nerd.]
i am so blessed to spend any amount of time with my aunt, she always has a way of looking at things in a different way than i do... and nearly every time we get together our conversation always ends up at forgiveness... just talking with my aunt about her struggles for a short while helped me realize a need for and the want to give forgiveness in many situations in my life... i know she must be trying to figure out things in her own life but she very clearly and specifically recognizes the importance of family and forgiveness and starting anew. we talked about my trip to spain and i told her about how God literally made a way for me to go in less than a week's time and she teared up, too... she said that she felt that i was doing the right thing in following wherever God was leading me, no matter how crazy it might look to people on the outside... i am comforted by the fact that so many of my family members and friends are praying for me and supporting me on my faith journey...
after our breakfast i met with an administrator from the mexican american catholic college, next to assumption seminary, about a program i'm interested in doing after i graduate from UST... i will post more on the visit once i have figured out what i feel about it... but i just wanted to say that there are amazing things going on at MACC and i hope to be a part of their campus someday in the near future!
when it all comes down to it, the big lessons i learned from my trip to san antonio were about transparency, redemption, trust, forgiveness and patience. i keep thinking about that old adage that says, "time heals all wounds," except i'd change it to say, "God's time heals all wounds."
turns out, after all these years of avoiding san antonio at all costs, it's actually a pretty cool place to visit! go figure.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
the four loves...
memorial day...
first, a word of gratitude to the men and women who have served our country:
thank you for making the ultimate sacrifice during peace and in war to fight for our freedom. thank you for doing your "job" on a daily basis. thank you for being strong enough to bear the burden for so many of your countrymen who have yet to realize what freedom really is. plain and simple: thank you for giving your lives in service to our country.
secondly, i have to make a quick confession... i've been hesitating writing this blog for over a week and a half now because i'm still trying to process my thoughts and feelings and i don't want to jump the gun and put things out there before understanding what it is i mean to say. any of that make sense?
with that said, please bear with me as i try to get my point across...
i've just finished my first year of grad school at UST and i've been so blessed in so many ways, it's hard to keep track of every blessing God gives me! it hasn't been easy, of course, because so many times this past year i've been overwhelmed with the pace of reading--nouwen, macintyre, von hildebrand, JPII, c.s. lewis, then-Cardinal Ratzinger--over 100 pages per class per week. the thing is, this material is not just stuff you read and regurgitate on an exam and you're done with it; you read it and it sticks with you, it shapes your thoughts and perceptions, it helps guide your actions and emotions... this is the formation i've been searching for!
for years now--literally years--i've been beating myself up for the decisions i made in my past, things i've done or didn't do but should have, or said or shouldn't have said, things that i'm not proud of... the memories of the person i used to be still creep in and cast doubt on the life i'm trying to lead now... at some point i'll feel comfortable enough to talk about my experiences and what i've learned from them and the enormity of God's healing power in my life; for now, i'll just say that i am a different person than who i was. thank God! i meditate on this verse when i feel anxiety about who i was and who i strive to be in Christ:
anyway, my whole purpose in telling you this is that i've learned a LOT about love because of this program that i'm in... did you know you can learn about love in the academic sense of the word, not just the warm-fuzzy feeling, hands entwined, butterflies-in-your stomach love that the media sells us (which we subsequently buy into) around valentine's day?! i had no idea that there existed another kind of love besides that commercial, played-out hallmark kind of love.
as a kid, i'd longed for the kind of 'love' a father shows his daughter by giving her warm hugs and sweet kisses; instead, i had a stern, hard-working father who showed his love by putting a roof over my head and food on the table. as a teen and 20-something, i longed for the 'love' i thought a boyfriend would give me by taking me out on dates and being free with compliments and affection; instead, i dated randomly and aimlessly, guys who made empty promises and guys who never made any promises; guys who gave me the material things they thought i wanted and guys who took freely from my material things and my giving heart.
i can't really explain what the past year has done for healing my heart and helping me to understand what love really means. neither the kind of love i hoped my dad would give me or the love i hoped to find in a boyfriend were the kind of love that Jesus tells us we should have for our neighbor. this past year of reading forced me to ask myself, "what do i know about love?"
i had to look at who i am as a human being, created by God and in His image. i've come to understand being created in His image means that my longing for love comes from a deep, intrinsic desire for relationship. the Triune God--the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit--is the perfect example of this relationship. when we are in right relationship with those around us (family, friends, neighbors, strangers) our hearts and minds are at peace. there is balance in our life. order arises out of the disorder of our busy lives. relationship is what all of our hearts desire...
i also had to understand that the love i've been seeking is not the love that Jesus says we should have for our neighbor--friends, family, foes alike. to have and to give this kind of love would be the highest form of love possible--agape. all i've ever wanted was father-daughter love (storge) and boyfriend-girlfriend love (eros)... turns out i've been missing the whole point of love! agape
it's amazing how that shift in perspective of the love i should be striving for has impacted my thoughts, words and actions... and it's helped shape the exmaple of Christ i hope to be to others.
understanding love a little better has helped me to get over some really irrational fears and anxieties i've harbored about being in a relationship again (whenever that should happen) and eventually getting married and having a family. love is self-giving. it's self-emptying. it's self-sacrificing. it's what Jesus did for each of us. God has put it on my heart that one day i'll get married and have a family... between now and then, i hope to get my hands dirty loving those around me instead of sitting on the sidelines just talking and reading about love and i want to learn to trust in His timing.
when you get a chance, say a prayer for me... that i grow in patience and love and trust in His plan for me.
and i hope you know that i love you as a brother or sister in Christ.
first, a word of gratitude to the men and women who have served our country:
thank you for making the ultimate sacrifice during peace and in war to fight for our freedom. thank you for doing your "job" on a daily basis. thank you for being strong enough to bear the burden for so many of your countrymen who have yet to realize what freedom really is. plain and simple: thank you for giving your lives in service to our country.
Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.
secondly, i have to make a quick confession... i've been hesitating writing this blog for over a week and a half now because i'm still trying to process my thoughts and feelings and i don't want to jump the gun and put things out there before understanding what it is i mean to say. any of that make sense?
with that said, please bear with me as i try to get my point across...
i've just finished my first year of grad school at UST and i've been so blessed in so many ways, it's hard to keep track of every blessing God gives me! it hasn't been easy, of course, because so many times this past year i've been overwhelmed with the pace of reading--nouwen, macintyre, von hildebrand, JPII, c.s. lewis, then-Cardinal Ratzinger--over 100 pages per class per week. the thing is, this material is not just stuff you read and regurgitate on an exam and you're done with it; you read it and it sticks with you, it shapes your thoughts and perceptions, it helps guide your actions and emotions... this is the formation i've been searching for!
for years now--literally years--i've been beating myself up for the decisions i made in my past, things i've done or didn't do but should have, or said or shouldn't have said, things that i'm not proud of... the memories of the person i used to be still creep in and cast doubt on the life i'm trying to lead now... at some point i'll feel comfortable enough to talk about my experiences and what i've learned from them and the enormity of God's healing power in my life; for now, i'll just say that i am a different person than who i was. thank God! i meditate on this verse when i feel anxiety about who i was and who i strive to be in Christ:
2 Corinthians 5:17 - So whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come.
anyway, my whole purpose in telling you this is that i've learned a LOT about love because of this program that i'm in... did you know you can learn about love in the academic sense of the word, not just the warm-fuzzy feeling, hands entwined, butterflies-in-your stomach love that the media sells us (which we subsequently buy into) around valentine's day?! i had no idea that there existed another kind of love besides that commercial, played-out hallmark kind of love.
as a kid, i'd longed for the kind of 'love' a father shows his daughter by giving her warm hugs and sweet kisses; instead, i had a stern, hard-working father who showed his love by putting a roof over my head and food on the table. as a teen and 20-something, i longed for the 'love' i thought a boyfriend would give me by taking me out on dates and being free with compliments and affection; instead, i dated randomly and aimlessly, guys who made empty promises and guys who never made any promises; guys who gave me the material things they thought i wanted and guys who took freely from my material things and my giving heart.
i can't really explain what the past year has done for healing my heart and helping me to understand what love really means. neither the kind of love i hoped my dad would give me or the love i hoped to find in a boyfriend were the kind of love that Jesus tells us we should have for our neighbor. this past year of reading forced me to ask myself, "what do i know about love?"
i had to look at who i am as a human being, created by God and in His image. i've come to understand being created in His image means that my longing for love comes from a deep, intrinsic desire for relationship. the Triune God--the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit--is the perfect example of this relationship. when we are in right relationship with those around us (family, friends, neighbors, strangers) our hearts and minds are at peace. there is balance in our life. order arises out of the disorder of our busy lives. relationship is what all of our hearts desire...
i also had to understand that the love i've been seeking is not the love that Jesus says we should have for our neighbor--friends, family, foes alike. to have and to give this kind of love would be the highest form of love possible--agape. all i've ever wanted was father-daughter love (storge) and boyfriend-girlfriend love (eros)... turns out i've been missing the whole point of love! agape
it's amazing how that shift in perspective of the love i should be striving for has impacted my thoughts, words and actions... and it's helped shape the exmaple of Christ i hope to be to others.
understanding love a little better has helped me to get over some really irrational fears and anxieties i've harbored about being in a relationship again (whenever that should happen) and eventually getting married and having a family. love is self-giving. it's self-emptying. it's self-sacrificing. it's what Jesus did for each of us. God has put it on my heart that one day i'll get married and have a family... between now and then, i hope to get my hands dirty loving those around me instead of sitting on the sidelines just talking and reading about love and i want to learn to trust in His timing.
when you get a chance, say a prayer for me... that i grow in patience and love and trust in His plan for me.
and i hope you know that i love you as a brother or sister in Christ.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
the love that never leaves...
hi friends & family...
i realize it's been a while since i've posted on here... i haven't exactly kept my new year's resolutions for 2011 (which were to get back to running [which i have been working on, i promise!], sending actual cards in the mail for life events such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc., and watching at least 30 mins a week of tv) but i have been busy. perhaps i'll try being less busy and being more focused with my time and efforts? maybe that should have been my resolution for 2011... hmmmm? is it too late for a mulligan?
yikes. it's may 8th and i haven't stuck to a single resolution. GULP!!! well, i have started hitting the trails again, and slowly but surely, i will get back to being my former road-running warrior... i will. look out, world, crystal is coming back!
:)
on another note, in my job as a nanny i am constantly chasing around little munchkins: playing with them, tying their shoes, drawing/coloring/painting/sidewalk chalking, bandaging up booboos, etc... though i don't have any kids of my own (yet, perhaps?) i am 10,000% in awe of what you moms out there do on a daily (and nightly) basis... and, seeing as how it's mother's day, i wanted to wish you all a Happy Mother's Day! no one in this world would be who they are without their mother... you are special, dear moms of the world! and you are loved. ever so dearly.
this time of year is always hard to experience for me because, well, i'm human and i have feelings and emotions that i can't totally control, no matter how much time passes... i was 5 when my mom died from cancer and now i'm 30. i'll be 31 in september and every year that passes is no easier to handle than the year previous, which is both comforting (that i remember my mother) and painful (that she is no longer here).
the funny thing is that the more i learn about my faith, the more sure i am that my mom taught me what i needed to know in those short 5 years i had with her. in hindsight, and through much prayer, i realize that the most precious gift she ever gave me was the gift of faith... Catholic faith. as a teenager and 20-something i was so angry at God and at the doctors and at the cancer that i couldn't see the testament of faith she lived as she handled being sick for so long... even with 3 small children at home and a sad, worried husband juggling all the pressures that her illness brought on, she was always happy to see us and the family and friends who flocked to her hospital room to keep her company.
well, i'm a grownup now (sorta?) and though i'm not yet a wife or a mother, i hope--someday, if it's God's will--that i have the opportunity to be that example of faith to my own family. thanks, mom, for being the first example of Christ's love that i ever knew.
i can't forget all the wonderful women in my life who were there to pick up where my mom left off and were also pillars of faith to me... i have learned so much from them all, but mostly i learned how to love. thanks mom (my stepmom, janie, who raised me), my tia alice, my tia eva (i pray for you daily!), grandma nacha (a soldier for Christ if ever i met one) and all the wonderful ladies in my family i haven't named... you have all made me the woman i am today and i can't thank you enough for loving me. Happy Mother's Day!
:)
this last part of my blog is a plea for prayers about my trip to world youth day in madrid, spain this august... as most of you have already heard, i applied and was selected to be part of a group of 88 college and graduate students from across the country to attend WYD 2011 as part of the Fellowship of Catholic University Students (FOCUS) pilgrimage... FOCUS has planned a week-long pilgrimage through Spain, following The Way of St. James (El Camino de Santiago de Compostela) followed by a week spent among other young adult Catholics at WYD with the Holy Father Pope Benedict XVI. i am excited, honored and humbled to be included in this group of people that were chosen among the hundreds of other applicants who wanted to go... i am also a teensy bit worried about my finances right now--so please pray that my anxieties will eased by God's sure hand. i've got to meet payment deadlines for the WYD trip, i have tuition to pay for summer school this coming monday along with living expenses for the rest of the summer. all of this on a reduced income. last tuesday my employer told me that out of the 12 weeks they originally told me i'd be working leading up to my august trip, they'll actually only need me 5 or 6 weeks this summer. yeouch!
anyway, i look back to last year when i was preparing to leave for brasil for 3 months and one financial setback after another seemed to find my bank account. somehow, God provided a way for me to get all of my expenses and other needs met for the trip and put my heart at ease. nothing but prayer changed the situation i was in--hence the plea for prayers now. :)
please, take a moment to pray for my situation--i believe there's a reason all of this is happening--i just want to make sure that i do what God wants me to do and not what i want to do. i keep thinking, "Thy will be done." so, there, i've said it... please pray for clarity in this situation. and please pray for the people planning WYD and all the people who are planning to go... attendance estimates are looking around 1 million people right now, so please pray for safety and for changed lives. Jesus, i trust in You.
thanks for reading... please know that i'm praying for you and your intentions, whatever they may be. i hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day and take a moment to tell your mom you love her... and give her a hug. for me. :)
peace in Christ,
~crystal
i realize it's been a while since i've posted on here... i haven't exactly kept my new year's resolutions for 2011 (which were to get back to running [which i have been working on, i promise!], sending actual cards in the mail for life events such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc., and watching at least 30 mins a week of tv) but i have been busy. perhaps i'll try being less busy and being more focused with my time and efforts? maybe that should have been my resolution for 2011... hmmmm? is it too late for a mulligan?
yikes. it's may 8th and i haven't stuck to a single resolution. GULP!!! well, i have started hitting the trails again, and slowly but surely, i will get back to being my former road-running warrior... i will. look out, world, crystal is coming back!
:)
on another note, in my job as a nanny i am constantly chasing around little munchkins: playing with them, tying their shoes, drawing/coloring/painting/sidewalk chalking, bandaging up booboos, etc... though i don't have any kids of my own (yet, perhaps?) i am 10,000% in awe of what you moms out there do on a daily (and nightly) basis... and, seeing as how it's mother's day, i wanted to wish you all a Happy Mother's Day! no one in this world would be who they are without their mother... you are special, dear moms of the world! and you are loved. ever so dearly.
this time of year is always hard to experience for me because, well, i'm human and i have feelings and emotions that i can't totally control, no matter how much time passes... i was 5 when my mom died from cancer and now i'm 30. i'll be 31 in september and every year that passes is no easier to handle than the year previous, which is both comforting (that i remember my mother) and painful (that she is no longer here).
the funny thing is that the more i learn about my faith, the more sure i am that my mom taught me what i needed to know in those short 5 years i had with her. in hindsight, and through much prayer, i realize that the most precious gift she ever gave me was the gift of faith... Catholic faith. as a teenager and 20-something i was so angry at God and at the doctors and at the cancer that i couldn't see the testament of faith she lived as she handled being sick for so long... even with 3 small children at home and a sad, worried husband juggling all the pressures that her illness brought on, she was always happy to see us and the family and friends who flocked to her hospital room to keep her company.
well, i'm a grownup now (sorta?) and though i'm not yet a wife or a mother, i hope--someday, if it's God's will--that i have the opportunity to be that example of faith to my own family. thanks, mom, for being the first example of Christ's love that i ever knew.
i can't forget all the wonderful women in my life who were there to pick up where my mom left off and were also pillars of faith to me... i have learned so much from them all, but mostly i learned how to love. thanks mom (my stepmom, janie, who raised me), my tia alice, my tia eva (i pray for you daily!), grandma nacha (a soldier for Christ if ever i met one) and all the wonderful ladies in my family i haven't named... you have all made me the woman i am today and i can't thank you enough for loving me. Happy Mother's Day!
:)
this last part of my blog is a plea for prayers about my trip to world youth day in madrid, spain this august... as most of you have already heard, i applied and was selected to be part of a group of 88 college and graduate students from across the country to attend WYD 2011 as part of the Fellowship of Catholic University Students (FOCUS) pilgrimage... FOCUS has planned a week-long pilgrimage through Spain, following The Way of St. James (El Camino de Santiago de Compostela) followed by a week spent among other young adult Catholics at WYD with the Holy Father Pope Benedict XVI. i am excited, honored and humbled to be included in this group of people that were chosen among the hundreds of other applicants who wanted to go... i am also a teensy bit worried about my finances right now--so please pray that my anxieties will eased by God's sure hand. i've got to meet payment deadlines for the WYD trip, i have tuition to pay for summer school this coming monday along with living expenses for the rest of the summer. all of this on a reduced income. last tuesday my employer told me that out of the 12 weeks they originally told me i'd be working leading up to my august trip, they'll actually only need me 5 or 6 weeks this summer. yeouch!
anyway, i look back to last year when i was preparing to leave for brasil for 3 months and one financial setback after another seemed to find my bank account. somehow, God provided a way for me to get all of my expenses and other needs met for the trip and put my heart at ease. nothing but prayer changed the situation i was in--hence the plea for prayers now. :)
please, take a moment to pray for my situation--i believe there's a reason all of this is happening--i just want to make sure that i do what God wants me to do and not what i want to do. i keep thinking, "Thy will be done." so, there, i've said it... please pray for clarity in this situation. and please pray for the people planning WYD and all the people who are planning to go... attendance estimates are looking around 1 million people right now, so please pray for safety and for changed lives. Jesus, i trust in You.
thanks for reading... please know that i'm praying for you and your intentions, whatever they may be. i hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day and take a moment to tell your mom you love her... and give her a hug. for me. :)
peace in Christ,
~crystal
Thursday, March 31, 2011
step by step
this wonderful artist is Audrey Assad and she's just plain amazing! this song has been on constant repeat lately... i got to visualizing what it must look like to God for me to try and run to catch up with Him [side running story to come later] and He's probably just holding His arms out, saying, "it's ok, take your time getting here... even better, i'll step back a few steps to help you out." hmmmm.
it's funny what things make us stop and take stock of our lives, isn't it?
well, in case you didn't already know, i started grad school last fall at the university of st. thomas in houston, tx... i'm in a program called the "master of arts in faith & culture" program through the center for faith and culture at ust... when you break down my program, it is essentially learning about modern culture so that we, as the Church, can better implement the New Evangelization and spread the Gospel message to an ever-increasing apathetic world... it is so exciting to me, and totally what God has been stirring in my heart to for the past few years, i couldn't be happier with the program... i have to admit, though, that it has been difficult rising up to the level that graduate school demands of me... it's even harder staying on top of my reading and writing assignments--and trust me, there is something due literally every class period, if not two or three things! it's overwhelming sometimes...
yesterday in my Theology of the Body class (which is breaking open the text 'Man and Woman He Created Them: A Theology of the Body' by Pope John Paul II) my professor, Father Lockey, talked about and showed us a clip of a movie called "There Be Dragons" which narrates the story of the spanish civil war, with a side story about St. Josemaria Escriva, the 'Saint of Ordinary Life'... in the clip he showed there was an interview with one of the lead actors who talked about his personal struggles while making the film... in such an honest way he described the forgiveness he experienced in coming back into relationship with God through the Church during the course of filming this movie... in his clip he talks about having been addicted for nearly 10 years to drugs, alcohol and other vices, and yet, through the part that he was playing in "There Be Dragons," God spoke to his lonely heart and helped him understand that all the things he was trying to fill the emptiness would never suffice or take the place of God in his heart... he talks about 'lonely behavior' and the way he used to be, stubborn and too proud to ask for help out of his addictions... the juxtaposition to his testimony of what it's like being transparent with his faults and letting God show him the way out of the darkness was just beautiful. that is transformation through Christ!
i hope if you get a chance you will take some time to go see the film, it really looks like it is a great action-packed movie, but it also touches on the reality of our humanity, too... i'm looking for a movie buddy, so if you know anyone... ;)
i wanted to write a little bit more about my Lenten journey but after writing about that actor's transformation i realize that i need to think about some things before i put them out in the blogging universe... i do want to ask for your prayers, though, to help me through my own darkness right now... there's just something that i can't seem to shake that's been bothering me lately, and coloring my world a hazy gray... :|
help me, oh God, to focus on You even when everything is gray around me and even inside of me. let your light shine in me and through to others. change my heart and my mind to reflect Your perfect love. amen.
have a blessed week everyone, more to come soon!
it's funny what things make us stop and take stock of our lives, isn't it?
well, in case you didn't already know, i started grad school last fall at the university of st. thomas in houston, tx... i'm in a program called the "master of arts in faith & culture" program through the center for faith and culture at ust... when you break down my program, it is essentially learning about modern culture so that we, as the Church, can better implement the New Evangelization and spread the Gospel message to an ever-increasing apathetic world... it is so exciting to me, and totally what God has been stirring in my heart to for the past few years, i couldn't be happier with the program... i have to admit, though, that it has been difficult rising up to the level that graduate school demands of me... it's even harder staying on top of my reading and writing assignments--and trust me, there is something due literally every class period, if not two or three things! it's overwhelming sometimes...
yesterday in my Theology of the Body class (which is breaking open the text 'Man and Woman He Created Them: A Theology of the Body' by Pope John Paul II) my professor, Father Lockey, talked about and showed us a clip of a movie called "There Be Dragons" which narrates the story of the spanish civil war, with a side story about St. Josemaria Escriva, the 'Saint of Ordinary Life'... in the clip he showed there was an interview with one of the lead actors who talked about his personal struggles while making the film... in such an honest way he described the forgiveness he experienced in coming back into relationship with God through the Church during the course of filming this movie... in his clip he talks about having been addicted for nearly 10 years to drugs, alcohol and other vices, and yet, through the part that he was playing in "There Be Dragons," God spoke to his lonely heart and helped him understand that all the things he was trying to fill the emptiness would never suffice or take the place of God in his heart... he talks about 'lonely behavior' and the way he used to be, stubborn and too proud to ask for help out of his addictions... the juxtaposition to his testimony of what it's like being transparent with his faults and letting God show him the way out of the darkness was just beautiful. that is transformation through Christ!
i hope if you get a chance you will take some time to go see the film, it really looks like it is a great action-packed movie, but it also touches on the reality of our humanity, too... i'm looking for a movie buddy, so if you know anyone... ;)
i wanted to write a little bit more about my Lenten journey but after writing about that actor's transformation i realize that i need to think about some things before i put them out in the blogging universe... i do want to ask for your prayers, though, to help me through my own darkness right now... there's just something that i can't seem to shake that's been bothering me lately, and coloring my world a hazy gray... :|
help me, oh God, to focus on You even when everything is gray around me and even inside of me. let your light shine in me and through to others. change my heart and my mind to reflect Your perfect love. amen.
have a blessed week everyone, more to come soon!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
40 Days--Matt Maher
[I love the lyric "40 days to die to self"... it's then that we realize that we really have to put our existence in perspective and that we owe everything to our Creator--we are the creatures!]
Hello World!
Long time, no see! Quick update about my Lenten sacrifice: like many of my friends, I've decided to give up Facebook for 40 days in preparation of Christ's resurrection. The challenge, of course, is not just 'giving up' checking my facebook page or updating my status (which I admittedly do far too often!) but using the time that I would have spent trolling Facebook in a more productive way. One that helps prepare my heart for Christ's resurrection from the dead.
40 days. Doesn't sound that hard at first, but in thinking about how many times I update my status every day or check my mobile Facebook to see what my friends are up to, I realize that I'm on Facebook at least 10 times a day. 10 times!!! AT LEAST!!!
I had to think about how many times I stop and pray per day. Maybe once or twice... if that. Can I be disciplined enough to stop and pray for someone in my family, or my friends, or even better people who can't pray for themselves (the sick, dying, mentally ill, unborn children, the incarcerated, the souls in purgatory)? That's my challenge this Lent... to pray when I get the urge to check my Facebook.
I challenge you all who are thinking about what to give up for Lent to think about giving up Facebook and praying for God's graces to continue working on your heart in order to receive Him fully every day and especially at Easter.
I'll be posting reflections on my Lenten journey here... if you need me, call me or email me. See yall in 40 days or so, Facebook friends!
Prepare the way of the Lord!
In Christ's peace,
Crystal
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