you're a human being...

not a human doing.

i've been mulling over this thought for a couple of days now since father james martin, s.j., tweeted it (@jamesmartinsj). there are so many reasons why i love twitter (way simpler than fbook, for one thing!), but mainly because it's fun to 'see' the thoughts of holy men and women and their insights on Scripture, the Faith and living a christian witness...

anyway, this quip spoke to me for several reasons, the most apparent being that i am in a constant battle against the clock! no matter how much stuff i cut out from my schedule, i always seem to have more things to fill my time with... i always justify putting more things on my schedule than i can handle by saying, "volunteering and building community aren't bad things, so it can't be wrong for me to add this to my schedule..." and boom. just like that, i've over-committed myself to doing more than i have time for. again.

btw, would you pray for me that i learn how to say, "no," at some point in my life? :S

i know i haven't written much since coming back from spain and the brief time i spent in samos with the benedictines, so you may not really know how transformative of an experience it was for me. only a few people really know the depths of loneliness and desolation in prayer that i was experiencing prior to leaving for spain. it was heart-wrenching to go through but thankfully, our good Lord sent me the right people at the right time to speak hope into my situation. to those that helped me through that time of spiritual dryness--thank you. i am forever indebted!

when i arrived in spain, i was completely disoriented by my inability to tell what time it was because i forgot to pack a wristwatch and i was too scared to turn on my cell phone because of the astronomical cost of sprint's international data charges. for someone like me who is constantly running from place to place, it was a very unnerving feeling to have no clue what time it was without hunting down a wall clock (which the benedictines didn't have) or asking someone what time it was (gasp! me? ask for help? never!). in hindsight, though it was infinitely frustrating at the time, i am so thankful for that built-in schedule which allowed me to just be and not have to do anything.

in samos, i also experienced for the first time praying the liturgy of the hours. on the plane ride over from the states, i had the pleasure of meeting 3 great guys from auburn university, and they taught me by example how to better live out my faith. usually, i'd see one of them with their nose in a prayer book or silently praying the rosary or something, yet they were the most friendly, joyful, humorous guys i've been around in a long time. they reminded me that this Christian walk, though full of suffering at times, is a joyful walk, too! we are people of the light and of hope and our joy should be shared with everyone we come in contact with! man, did i need that reminder... [this was also a great lesson to learn before we landed in spain because upon arriving in madrid, we heard about the protestors who were antagonizing the WYD participants by shouting at them or throwing things at them... local tv stations covered the incidents and illustrated the differences between them and the WYD participants--it was easy to see on their faces alone! would you prefer to be angry? or happy? it was that simple to see...]

anyway, it was during that week in samos that i walked through the psalter with another FOCUS participant for the first time and talked about what experiencing lauds with the monks was like. every morning we'd gather in their chapel and had the opportunity to pray along (which i was able to do for some of the parts i could understand in spanish, sung in gregorian chant style) or just sit in silence and take in the sounds of the prayers. even now, every couple of nights, i find myself awake at 3 a.m. and feel drawn to join the Church in prayer. amazing...

much of the FOCUS retreat was about building fellowship and living our faith in community, being built up and building up one another by our Christian witness. sometimes, though, i'd go off on my own to walk the neighborhood around the monastery or to just sit in the spanish sun on a bench made of seashells, watching the tourists and townspeople scurry about or i'd read a book or write in my journal.

i relish in the thought of my time spent in samos...

back home in houston, in many of my classes this semester we've talked about the inadequacy of human analogies in describing the glory of God. the most beautiful man-made phrases crafted from expansive vocabularies are, in the end, limited by our humanity and vocabulary. so how do i begin to convey my experience with God?

i guess i can just say that i felt an enveloping peace inside the walls of that monastery. the foam-padded plywood bunks felt like a bed of feathers, put there with the express intention of giving my burdened bones rest for the week. the drafty chapel, cold while still being bathed in sunlight, illumined the lives of the saints, past and present, who accompany me on my walk of faith. and the simplicity of my day, centered around prayer, ordered the chaos in my life.

i think it's so easy to lose focus on the important things in a fast-paced, modern world such as ours... what's funny is the more you experience God, the more you get to know Him, the more you hope and pray that the spiritual encounters continue to happen. but little things get in the way--things like running, school, friends or family, money and job issues--and they rob you of the stillness and quiet that is needed to hear God's voice. it's hard to maintain a balance in life that fulfills our human needs to be social and needed and helpful, while respecting the space and silence that is required to unwind and be at rest in God's presence.

i'm 31 and i'm still trying to find that balance. and i'm still learning how to ask for help. in fact, the only reason i have the time to write this blog is because i was sent home from work for being sick. were it not for this ill-timed sickness, i probably wouldn't have checked-in until thanksgiving break... there is something really wrong with this picture. especially if i believe that God is using me through writing this blog to minister to someone 'out there' in some way. i need to check-in more often...

when i read fr. martin's comment, "you're a human being, not a human doing", it made me stop and think about how i got to this point of busy-ness in my life again. one of the things i'm learning to do is ask for help before i get overwhelmed... so, i humbly ask all of yall out there, would you please pray for me that i a) learn to say "no" things i don't have time to do, b) that i plan my waking hours to include time to rest in and be with God in prayer, and c) that i listen to where God is leading me, specifically in discernment of my vocation, whatever it may be...

pax et bonum,
crystal