i've been meaning to post for sometime but keep getting sidetracked every time... either by mental block or actual interruptions while posting... so, i'm going to try to get this one down superfast...
i'm kind of overwhelmed by all the decisions i've got to make in the next few months...
profession and vocation seem to keep running together, so i think i'm on the right track there... mission work seems to be in abundance so i'm going to explore a couple of options here in houston, elsewhere in the US and also abroad. so that's kind of daunting.
for the first time in a long time, i've begun getting to know someone in a personal, romantic-sort of way and i'm scared sh*tless. (um, pardon my french.) honestly, i just want to do whatever God asks of me and i'm trying to figure out where this new experience fits into His plan for me. i keep hearing His voice reassuring me, telling me that He wouldn't lead me down a path where i could get hurt again, but also asking me to give this guy a fair shot. let my guard down. open up my heart. let him in to get to know me. that's difficult to do when i've built up all of these impenetrable defenses to prevent that very thing... pray for me that i'm able to listen to God's voice instead of my own fears and insecurities...
i have an inextinguishable desire to travel... i'm trying to figure out how i can get back to brasil (ahhhh, brasil! que saudade!) and somehow work with the world youth day program... so... uh... anyone out there have any contacts for me to call and offer my labor, knowledge and language skills to in rio/sao paolo/belo??? :)
the living situation is still going okay, the retired couple comes to visit every couple of months but other than that it's just me in their big townhome in the museum district... wayyyy nicer place than i could ever fathom to live in... after may, who knows where i'll be...
the job is going well, too... yes, it's monotonous and the kids drive me bonkers sometimes, but, it's paying the bills so far and affords me the time i need to stay on top of my reading... school is getting tougher with projects and papers and exams, and the internship is coming along slowly but surely. i know i will reap the majority of the blessings of working with the team at adore... super-stoked about that. :)
pray for me as i pray for you...
pax et bonum,
crystal
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
the Truth is the escape...
yesterday, the associated press (ap) tweeted that box office ticket sales have reached their lowest point in over 16 years! that's a statistic that just confounds me!
i know several factors have contributed to the decline in ticket sales such as easier access to free media sources like hulu, new developments in technology which make the individual the 'star,' astronomical rates of unemployment, rising cost of staple goods, less disposable income, and so on. but the fact remains that entertainment has always been seen as the escape from reality.
during the great depression, scores of people who didn't have two nickels to rub together would often scrape together what they could to buy a ticket to watch motion pictures depicting a glittery past or forecasting a prosperous future... in war-torn countries, people flock to movie houses which show imported films laden with movie stars in far-off exotic lands adorned with the glitz and glam of fast cars, cutting-edge fashion and modern music. entertainment has been the tonic which temporarily cures us from reality.
what a telling sign of our modern culture that even escaping from reality through entertainment isn't doing the trick anymore. the excess of fancy cars, sex, drugs and rock & roll portrayed on the big screen can't divert our attention away from the millions of people losing their homes every day in suburban america. we can't turn away anymore from the homeless men and women who rattle change in styrofoam cups at crowded intersections. we can no longer ignore the buzz-word of the "unemployed" because our own friends and family members now find themselves without jobs. and there's an anxiety playing out in the political fracas of red vs. blue and left vs. right that just doesn't seem to be getting any better before next year's presidential election.
if not through the time-honored practice of escaping through entertainment, how do we escape from reality these days?
several years ago, God asked me to turn off my tv and follow Him on a path to discovering who i am and what i'm supposed to do with my life... at the time, i was a hot mess in all areas of my life. i was reeling from the heartbreak of my first serious relationship and didn't know how to handle it. so i threw myself into the bar scene to get away from the heartache--i tried to numb my natural feelings with an artificial remedy of alcohol. as a recent college grad, i was struggling to find my place somewhere between being a know-nothing kid and a know-it-all adult. my professional life had become a delicate balancing act between being an advocate in education and being the lowest girl on the totem pole of inter-office politics. and i was learning from the school of hard knocks how to be fiscally responsible with my new, grownup paycheck.
i didn't react well to the changes and i often found myself retreating into the imaginary realm of entertainment. many, many times after getting home from a long day at work i'd plop down on the couch, turn on the tv and vegg out by watching whatever sitcom or celebrity gossip show was on. i'd tell myself, "i'll just watch for a little bit to decompress from my day," but day after day i'd sit down to watch tv for just a second and before i knew it, HOURS had passed since i first sat down. literal hours had ticked away while i consumed what was on tv.
i knew that something was wrong with how easily i could get sucked in to watching what quite honestly was not worth my time... i can't even begin to appreciate what goes on behind the camera (like wardrobe, makeup, lighting or script-writing) but the most amazing technical aspects of a show can't make up for crappy content. for days on end i sat and watched shows which centered around cheating spouses, sexually active teenagers and other blatant attacks on the family.
at some point i snapped and got the message that sitting for hours in front of the tv was not doing me any good. in fact, i realized that it was actually keeping me from feeling what i needed to feel. i needed to register the pain of that heartbreak in the deepest recesses of my heart, i needed that transition time from college student to grownup to come to the awareness that balance and order are good things, i needed my job situation to remind me to stand firm in the ethical and moral standards i had long since set for myself, and i needed some financial mistakes to re-set me on the path towards independence.
God started working on changing my routine by asking me to turn off the tv--and surprise, surprise--this time i actually listened. i bought a journal and started recording my conversations with God. i wrote as He dictated this beautiful plan for getting me out of the mess i had made of my own life. i collected suggestions for spiritual reading and began knocking out some of the most amazing books i've read in my life. one byproduct of all the reading i've done in the few years past is that i discovered my imagination still works--woohoo! i found a spiritual director and found that elusive 'objective' perspective that so many of us desperately need and can't find in our friends or family.
probably the best thing i discovered (or re-discovered, i suppose) was the art of conversation. there is something so invigorating in getting to know a person by uncovering who they are, layer by layer, over a period of time. if you just want to know information, asking a simple yes/no question would do, but in a good conversation you get so much more than information... you get a person's story. you see what values that person holds dear, what experiences shaped them, which people were influential in their life, and so on.
a good conversation is a beautiful exchange of trust.
this morning i had coffee with four young women from my parish's young adults group and it was exactly what i needed! we were so lost in conversation that 3 hours passed like mere minutes and before any of us realized, it was time for noon Mass. we hadn't planned to be at coffee long enough to go to Mass together, but each of us had individual plans of going to daily Mass on her own. the Holy Spirit led us in conversation and getting to know one another so that all the conditions came together perfectly and we went to Mass as a little family. on this Feast of the Holy Family, that moment of clarity showed me that Christ binds all of us together in the Church as one big, happy, universal family. uh-mazing!
i got to thinking about all the blessings in my life that i never would have realized had i not been through that dumb heartache in the first place. i've experienced things i never could have even imagined because those many painful situations were what opened me up to trusting that God would not only meet but exceed my every need.
that brings me back to the point of this blog post--don't be so quick to substitute something else for the reality of your situation, even though you might think it's bad. God has a purpose for the suffering you are going through. as sure as the night turns to day, your sadness will turn into joy. take the time, as difficult as it may be to do so, to register what you're feeling and just sit with it. ask God what you should do with what you're feeling. and listen to Him when He gives you direction.
you'll see, just as i have, that the Truth is actually the 'escape' from reality.
pax et bonum,
crystal
i know several factors have contributed to the decline in ticket sales such as easier access to free media sources like hulu, new developments in technology which make the individual the 'star,' astronomical rates of unemployment, rising cost of staple goods, less disposable income, and so on. but the fact remains that entertainment has always been seen as the escape from reality.
during the great depression, scores of people who didn't have two nickels to rub together would often scrape together what they could to buy a ticket to watch motion pictures depicting a glittery past or forecasting a prosperous future... in war-torn countries, people flock to movie houses which show imported films laden with movie stars in far-off exotic lands adorned with the glitz and glam of fast cars, cutting-edge fashion and modern music. entertainment has been the tonic which temporarily cures us from reality.
what a telling sign of our modern culture that even escaping from reality through entertainment isn't doing the trick anymore. the excess of fancy cars, sex, drugs and rock & roll portrayed on the big screen can't divert our attention away from the millions of people losing their homes every day in suburban america. we can't turn away anymore from the homeless men and women who rattle change in styrofoam cups at crowded intersections. we can no longer ignore the buzz-word of the "unemployed" because our own friends and family members now find themselves without jobs. and there's an anxiety playing out in the political fracas of red vs. blue and left vs. right that just doesn't seem to be getting any better before next year's presidential election.
if not through the time-honored practice of escaping through entertainment, how do we escape from reality these days?
several years ago, God asked me to turn off my tv and follow Him on a path to discovering who i am and what i'm supposed to do with my life... at the time, i was a hot mess in all areas of my life. i was reeling from the heartbreak of my first serious relationship and didn't know how to handle it. so i threw myself into the bar scene to get away from the heartache--i tried to numb my natural feelings with an artificial remedy of alcohol. as a recent college grad, i was struggling to find my place somewhere between being a know-nothing kid and a know-it-all adult. my professional life had become a delicate balancing act between being an advocate in education and being the lowest girl on the totem pole of inter-office politics. and i was learning from the school of hard knocks how to be fiscally responsible with my new, grownup paycheck.
i didn't react well to the changes and i often found myself retreating into the imaginary realm of entertainment. many, many times after getting home from a long day at work i'd plop down on the couch, turn on the tv and vegg out by watching whatever sitcom or celebrity gossip show was on. i'd tell myself, "i'll just watch for a little bit to decompress from my day," but day after day i'd sit down to watch tv for just a second and before i knew it, HOURS had passed since i first sat down. literal hours had ticked away while i consumed what was on tv.
i knew that something was wrong with how easily i could get sucked in to watching what quite honestly was not worth my time... i can't even begin to appreciate what goes on behind the camera (like wardrobe, makeup, lighting or script-writing) but the most amazing technical aspects of a show can't make up for crappy content. for days on end i sat and watched shows which centered around cheating spouses, sexually active teenagers and other blatant attacks on the family.
at some point i snapped and got the message that sitting for hours in front of the tv was not doing me any good. in fact, i realized that it was actually keeping me from feeling what i needed to feel. i needed to register the pain of that heartbreak in the deepest recesses of my heart, i needed that transition time from college student to grownup to come to the awareness that balance and order are good things, i needed my job situation to remind me to stand firm in the ethical and moral standards i had long since set for myself, and i needed some financial mistakes to re-set me on the path towards independence.
God started working on changing my routine by asking me to turn off the tv--and surprise, surprise--this time i actually listened. i bought a journal and started recording my conversations with God. i wrote as He dictated this beautiful plan for getting me out of the mess i had made of my own life. i collected suggestions for spiritual reading and began knocking out some of the most amazing books i've read in my life. one byproduct of all the reading i've done in the few years past is that i discovered my imagination still works--woohoo! i found a spiritual director and found that elusive 'objective' perspective that so many of us desperately need and can't find in our friends or family.
probably the best thing i discovered (or re-discovered, i suppose) was the art of conversation. there is something so invigorating in getting to know a person by uncovering who they are, layer by layer, over a period of time. if you just want to know information, asking a simple yes/no question would do, but in a good conversation you get so much more than information... you get a person's story. you see what values that person holds dear, what experiences shaped them, which people were influential in their life, and so on.
a good conversation is a beautiful exchange of trust.
this morning i had coffee with four young women from my parish's young adults group and it was exactly what i needed! we were so lost in conversation that 3 hours passed like mere minutes and before any of us realized, it was time for noon Mass. we hadn't planned to be at coffee long enough to go to Mass together, but each of us had individual plans of going to daily Mass on her own. the Holy Spirit led us in conversation and getting to know one another so that all the conditions came together perfectly and we went to Mass as a little family. on this Feast of the Holy Family, that moment of clarity showed me that Christ binds all of us together in the Church as one big, happy, universal family. uh-mazing!
i got to thinking about all the blessings in my life that i never would have realized had i not been through that dumb heartache in the first place. i've experienced things i never could have even imagined because those many painful situations were what opened me up to trusting that God would not only meet but exceed my every need.
that brings me back to the point of this blog post--don't be so quick to substitute something else for the reality of your situation, even though you might think it's bad. God has a purpose for the suffering you are going through. as sure as the night turns to day, your sadness will turn into joy. take the time, as difficult as it may be to do so, to register what you're feeling and just sit with it. ask God what you should do with what you're feeling. and listen to Him when He gives you direction.
you'll see, just as i have, that the Truth is actually the 'escape' from reality.
pax et bonum,
crystal
Friday, December 9, 2011
charity in truth
first and foremost, i hope yall had a wonderful 2nd week of Advent! this week was pretty phenomenal for me even though i didn't sleep much, took 2-out-of-my-3 finals, have pretty much been stressing about finances over the holidays and am on the precipice of un-friending an old college acquaintance... wha? more on that in a sec...
here's a quick break-down of my week: on monday i had my last class in my favorite class, "faith in hispanic cultures," at my professor's house with my classmates... his wife cooked us dinner and we had a great time talking about nerdy catholic ministry topics and socializing... on tuesday, i spent an hour in adoration with my young adults group from my parish and afterwards we went to dinner and just hung out for a while. wednesday evening was my first final, which was difficult but did not leave me wanting to pull out my hair or cry by the time i finished the exam. on thursday evening i took my second exam and was surprised at how much information i was able to discuss different heresies in the early Church, the several ecumenical councils who helped define or develop doctrine to refute the heresies and also discuss the theology behind the nicean and constantinopolitan creeds. yay me! after my exam i went over to one of my good friend's houses and ate dinner, talked about our faith lives and prayed a meditation for Advent. today, after work, i went to dinner with two of my favorite sister-friends ever in life and just spent some time catching up and being silly. just what i needed after a month of being sick and stressed out...
see? told you my week was pretty phenomenal. :)
so what's with that blip i mentioned about un-friending someone??? uhhhhhh yeahhhhhh, it's actually not a new situation, it's one that i've been dealing with for some months now and if you're my friend on facebook you have probably read the vicious [and cowardly] posts this 'friend' has been posting on my wall accusing the Catholic Church of creating or starting everything from the holocaust to pedophilia to natural disasters to the financial crisis to the aids epidemic. yes, apparently the Church is culpable for everything. o_O [yeah, i don't get it, either!]
so, i think the general practice on facebook is that people post things in their status that they are either doing, thinking or find interesting/shocking/thought-provoking/meaningful to them. i am opinionated, i have thoughts and feelings and i am passionate about a lot of things, the most important of which [to me] is my faith. so, yes, i post a lot of stuff in my status about my faith--different links to videos or programs with information about the faith, articles or lectures offering opportunities for catechesis, even prayer intentions and requests. i know this can get annoying because i have friends who post ALL THE TIME about honing their craft as a club dee-jay or about their obsession with high-heeled shoes or how insanely boring their job is or how they're broke all the time. i get it. it can get annoying... but i also know that my friendship with them is a result of getting to know them and getting to know what's important to them and relevant in their lives, even if it's not important or relevant to me.
we all know that i love twitter wayyyyy more than i love facebook [and if you're on twitter, you can follow me at @girl_on_the_run--say hi & i'll tweet back and follow you, too!] for many, many reasons but one of the things that i do love about facebook is that you can 'subscribe' or 'unsubscribe' to your friend's statuses... perfect. so if i don't like the cuss words you keep posting or i don't care to hear about your latest exploits or see the raunchy pictures you post to your friends, i can unsubscribe from your updates and *boom* problem solved. this also works the other way around. if someone doesn't like my posts or ramblings about the Church or my spiritual growth, then they are welcome to unsubscribe from my updates. plain and simple.
so imagine my surprise when this 'friend' who i got to know during college started doing the equivalent of a virtual harrassment drive-by when he repeatedly posted things on my wall about the "occupy wall street" movement on my wall... i would get p.o.'ed because he would post things claiming that the movement represented me as one of the "99%" of americans on the bottom part of the earnings brackets... well, in my opinion, while i may be one of the bottom 99% of earners, the "occupy" movement doesn't represent me. i do not see any clear sense of purpose, demands for change or solutions to any problems. from what i've seen, the movements seem to be a bunch of over-grown children huffing and puffing around while stomping their feet and holding their breath. don't get me wrong--i'm not against helping the poor. in fact, that's one of the very tangible and actionable beliefs in my religion and the Church takes social justice seriously... but when the "occupy" movement (or perhaps just my 'friend') started hijacking religious language and supporting it with bible verses, it really ticked me off. and since he posted on my wall i felt that i needed to respond to set the record straight... so we argued back and forth for a while until i realized that he was the epitome of the "one-sided, Fox News-loving, religious right zealot" that he was accusing "occupy" detractors of being. he didn't want to hear an opposing side to his argument, nor did he want to be corrected by me putting the verses he quoted in their correct context. he would not stand for that. and for some reason he stopped posting on my wall for a time. i thought that was the end of his attacks...
well, i was wrong. turns out the silence was short-lived and vicious attacks started up again--only this time their target was not the political structure or economic turmoil in our country... his attacks now turned to my Church. and so the malicious and false attacks on the Catholic Church started when he posted a youtube video on my facebook wall. if you've ever heard of that crazy so-called 'christian' church which protests military funerals and is flagrantly hostile against homosexuals, minorities and many others, i'm sure, you kind of get the idea of the vitriol that his youtube clip contained... except the video was all the reasons anyone who had a brain would be against the Catholic Church. >:(
so... suffice to say that i was uber-p.o.'ed this time. political theories and economic policies are one thing, but to slander and outright attack my Church--the Bride of Christ himself--it got my blood boiling really quickly! every time he posted, i would write out a LONG response and then count to ten, delete it and go back and try to respond back rationally and with love to his accusations... sometimes my anger got the best of me, other times love won out...
after posting back and forth several times i realized that his issues with the Church have nothing to do with me or the actual Church herself... but they have everything to do with him and his spiritual journey. so while i can't change his mind or get him to see the err of his ways, i can pray for him and not allow myself to be goaded into a 'fight fire with fire' argument. and trust me, that is SO difficult not to do knowing what i know about him and his views on life.
the best thing i could think to do was write him a message to respectfully ask him to stop posting on my wall and that if he wanted to dialogue about the issues he has with the Church, i'd be happy to do so via email or by phone. i also had to say that if he didn't respect my boundaries, then i'd have to delete him from my friends list, which i don't take lightly. i'm not one of those people who add friends of friends of friends i've met here or there or add celebrities and other randoms to my friends list. the people i 'know' on facebook are people i actually know in real life. so yes, deleting someone from facebook is deleting them out of my life.
i prayed before i typed out that message and knew that the Holy Spirit would guide and guard my words from misinterpretation or escalating the problem. he chose to respond [not very politely, i might add] that he would continue posting things to my wall because i needed to know the 'truth' about my Church and others needed to know it, too. he said he didn't care if i deleted him because i would be just another Catholic who blindly follows the hierarchy and sticks her head in the sand about the 'realities' of my dying religion. his words were unwarranted, acidic, hateful and full of anger.
in all seriousness, please pray for him.
the reason i posted this blog is because i have come to some realizations in my interactions with this 'friend' who i thought i knew... he has always been rough around the edges, kind of like a bull in a china shop, and didn't really care to try to be respectful of others' feelings about anything. he liked to "tell it like it is" and didn't sugarcoat things. and in some ways, i appreciated that about him. i figured, "at least he's himself 24/7 and he doesn't try to pretend he's someone that he's not when it would be advantagious or convenient." during college, we'd get into raucous debates about dems versus republicans, right versus left, crazy liberals versus stiff-lipped conservatives. it was fun and i thought that it was all in good spirit. at the end of the day, we both knew we had done nothing to enlighten the other's perspective and enjoyed the sport of dialogue. at least that's what i thought.
so in light of the events that transpired over facebook, i realized that i am not as slow to anger as i hoped that i was. nor have i perfected the 'turn the other cheek' tactic which Jesus asks of us when we come under attack. it was also incredibly hard for me not to go for the jugular and hit him where it would hurt [if you get my drift]... there are things which he holds near and dear that i know i could have exploited to make my point, to make him feel the hurt and disgust he inflicted on me by insulting my Church and my Savior.
the phrase i kept hearing in my head when i'd get ready to hit the 'send' button was, "love is God's greatest gift to humanity," from Pope Benedict's encyclical, "Caritas in Veritate," or in english, "Charity in Truth."
though B16 actually talks a lot about economic issues and seeking the common good in this letter, he still expounds on the rich mandate from Jesus to "love thy neighbor." i took this prompting from the Holy Spirit to mean that in refuting the claims and accusations my 'friend' made against the Church, i still need to be mindful of his dignity as a person and to treat him with love and respect even if he doesn't treat me that way. and i needed to remember that my actions as a professed Catholic Christian do represent my identity in Christ. so i couldn't--and shouldn't--fight fire with fire. that pretty much took the wind out of my sails to continue dialogue with him.
something else i learned [that i'm not so proud of] is that the kind of company i kept when i was in college was keeping me from the path to righteousness... it's sad to say that many times i was the ringleader who was taking groups of people down in flames with me... i don't know how many people i led to sin or put them in situations or places they shouldn't have been... and i am truly sorry. through it all, i had many, many friends and family members who, like st. monica did for 20 years for st. augustine, prayed for my reversion to the faith... i just couldn't see it when i was lost during that time... but i am SO THANKFUL that they never ceased praying for me and hoping that i would turn from the life i was living and come back to the Church. by the grace of God i did, and i'm so happy that i did, but now i realize that literally hundreds of people i know from college know the 'old' me and maybe they're not ready for the 'new' me i've become in Christ...
so this situation with my 'friend' from college has caused me to reflect about who i was back then, who i am now and who i hope to become... what words of wisdom would i share with a group of captive teenagers who will in a few years go off to college and be left to fend for themselves in the real world? this is a very real opportunity i have when i teach my confirmation class so i should make use of the opportunity, right?
i guess lastly i will say that i have been fortified by several friends who have messaged or texted me to say that they were proud of me or happy for me [even though they don't share my beliefs] for sticking up for myself and my beliefs to this 'friend.' just when you think you're fighting the battle alone, reinforcements come in... :)
well, please pray for the situation if you don't mind because as of yet i haven't deleted the guy... at the very next instance of posting negative things on my wall he is a goner, so i'm hopeful that he respects me as a person enough to either unsubscribe from my posts so he's not reminded of my Catholic-zeal every time i update my status or that he just stops being a jerkface and posting things on my wall.
at the end of it all i have to say that i am thankful for the opportunity to love even when i am hated and for the reminder to speak truth in charity and charity in truth.
hope this helps you the next time your faith is challenged in some way... have a great weekend!
pax et bonum,
crystal
here's a quick break-down of my week: on monday i had my last class in my favorite class, "faith in hispanic cultures," at my professor's house with my classmates... his wife cooked us dinner and we had a great time talking about nerdy catholic ministry topics and socializing... on tuesday, i spent an hour in adoration with my young adults group from my parish and afterwards we went to dinner and just hung out for a while. wednesday evening was my first final, which was difficult but did not leave me wanting to pull out my hair or cry by the time i finished the exam. on thursday evening i took my second exam and was surprised at how much information i was able to discuss different heresies in the early Church, the several ecumenical councils who helped define or develop doctrine to refute the heresies and also discuss the theology behind the nicean and constantinopolitan creeds. yay me! after my exam i went over to one of my good friend's houses and ate dinner, talked about our faith lives and prayed a meditation for Advent. today, after work, i went to dinner with two of my favorite sister-friends ever in life and just spent some time catching up and being silly. just what i needed after a month of being sick and stressed out...
see? told you my week was pretty phenomenal. :)
so what's with that blip i mentioned about un-friending someone??? uhhhhhh yeahhhhhh, it's actually not a new situation, it's one that i've been dealing with for some months now and if you're my friend on facebook you have probably read the vicious [and cowardly] posts this 'friend' has been posting on my wall accusing the Catholic Church of creating or starting everything from the holocaust to pedophilia to natural disasters to the financial crisis to the aids epidemic. yes, apparently the Church is culpable for everything. o_O [yeah, i don't get it, either!]
so, i think the general practice on facebook is that people post things in their status that they are either doing, thinking or find interesting/shocking/thought-provoking/meaningful to them. i am opinionated, i have thoughts and feelings and i am passionate about a lot of things, the most important of which [to me] is my faith. so, yes, i post a lot of stuff in my status about my faith--different links to videos or programs with information about the faith, articles or lectures offering opportunities for catechesis, even prayer intentions and requests. i know this can get annoying because i have friends who post ALL THE TIME about honing their craft as a club dee-jay or about their obsession with high-heeled shoes or how insanely boring their job is or how they're broke all the time. i get it. it can get annoying... but i also know that my friendship with them is a result of getting to know them and getting to know what's important to them and relevant in their lives, even if it's not important or relevant to me.
we all know that i love twitter wayyyyy more than i love facebook [and if you're on twitter, you can follow me at @girl_on_the_run--say hi & i'll tweet back and follow you, too!] for many, many reasons but one of the things that i do love about facebook is that you can 'subscribe' or 'unsubscribe' to your friend's statuses... perfect. so if i don't like the cuss words you keep posting or i don't care to hear about your latest exploits or see the raunchy pictures you post to your friends, i can unsubscribe from your updates and *boom* problem solved. this also works the other way around. if someone doesn't like my posts or ramblings about the Church or my spiritual growth, then they are welcome to unsubscribe from my updates. plain and simple.
so imagine my surprise when this 'friend' who i got to know during college started doing the equivalent of a virtual harrassment drive-by when he repeatedly posted things on my wall about the "occupy wall street" movement on my wall... i would get p.o.'ed because he would post things claiming that the movement represented me as one of the "99%" of americans on the bottom part of the earnings brackets... well, in my opinion, while i may be one of the bottom 99% of earners, the "occupy" movement doesn't represent me. i do not see any clear sense of purpose, demands for change or solutions to any problems. from what i've seen, the movements seem to be a bunch of over-grown children huffing and puffing around while stomping their feet and holding their breath. don't get me wrong--i'm not against helping the poor. in fact, that's one of the very tangible and actionable beliefs in my religion and the Church takes social justice seriously... but when the "occupy" movement (or perhaps just my 'friend') started hijacking religious language and supporting it with bible verses, it really ticked me off. and since he posted on my wall i felt that i needed to respond to set the record straight... so we argued back and forth for a while until i realized that he was the epitome of the "one-sided, Fox News-loving, religious right zealot" that he was accusing "occupy" detractors of being. he didn't want to hear an opposing side to his argument, nor did he want to be corrected by me putting the verses he quoted in their correct context. he would not stand for that. and for some reason he stopped posting on my wall for a time. i thought that was the end of his attacks...
well, i was wrong. turns out the silence was short-lived and vicious attacks started up again--only this time their target was not the political structure or economic turmoil in our country... his attacks now turned to my Church. and so the malicious and false attacks on the Catholic Church started when he posted a youtube video on my facebook wall. if you've ever heard of that crazy so-called 'christian' church which protests military funerals and is flagrantly hostile against homosexuals, minorities and many others, i'm sure, you kind of get the idea of the vitriol that his youtube clip contained... except the video was all the reasons anyone who had a brain would be against the Catholic Church. >:(
so... suffice to say that i was uber-p.o.'ed this time. political theories and economic policies are one thing, but to slander and outright attack my Church--the Bride of Christ himself--it got my blood boiling really quickly! every time he posted, i would write out a LONG response and then count to ten, delete it and go back and try to respond back rationally and with love to his accusations... sometimes my anger got the best of me, other times love won out...
after posting back and forth several times i realized that his issues with the Church have nothing to do with me or the actual Church herself... but they have everything to do with him and his spiritual journey. so while i can't change his mind or get him to see the err of his ways, i can pray for him and not allow myself to be goaded into a 'fight fire with fire' argument. and trust me, that is SO difficult not to do knowing what i know about him and his views on life.
the best thing i could think to do was write him a message to respectfully ask him to stop posting on my wall and that if he wanted to dialogue about the issues he has with the Church, i'd be happy to do so via email or by phone. i also had to say that if he didn't respect my boundaries, then i'd have to delete him from my friends list, which i don't take lightly. i'm not one of those people who add friends of friends of friends i've met here or there or add celebrities and other randoms to my friends list. the people i 'know' on facebook are people i actually know in real life. so yes, deleting someone from facebook is deleting them out of my life.
i prayed before i typed out that message and knew that the Holy Spirit would guide and guard my words from misinterpretation or escalating the problem. he chose to respond [not very politely, i might add] that he would continue posting things to my wall because i needed to know the 'truth' about my Church and others needed to know it, too. he said he didn't care if i deleted him because i would be just another Catholic who blindly follows the hierarchy and sticks her head in the sand about the 'realities' of my dying religion. his words were unwarranted, acidic, hateful and full of anger.
in all seriousness, please pray for him.
the reason i posted this blog is because i have come to some realizations in my interactions with this 'friend' who i thought i knew... he has always been rough around the edges, kind of like a bull in a china shop, and didn't really care to try to be respectful of others' feelings about anything. he liked to "tell it like it is" and didn't sugarcoat things. and in some ways, i appreciated that about him. i figured, "at least he's himself 24/7 and he doesn't try to pretend he's someone that he's not when it would be advantagious or convenient." during college, we'd get into raucous debates about dems versus republicans, right versus left, crazy liberals versus stiff-lipped conservatives. it was fun and i thought that it was all in good spirit. at the end of the day, we both knew we had done nothing to enlighten the other's perspective and enjoyed the sport of dialogue. at least that's what i thought.
so in light of the events that transpired over facebook, i realized that i am not as slow to anger as i hoped that i was. nor have i perfected the 'turn the other cheek' tactic which Jesus asks of us when we come under attack. it was also incredibly hard for me not to go for the jugular and hit him where it would hurt [if you get my drift]... there are things which he holds near and dear that i know i could have exploited to make my point, to make him feel the hurt and disgust he inflicted on me by insulting my Church and my Savior.
the phrase i kept hearing in my head when i'd get ready to hit the 'send' button was, "love is God's greatest gift to humanity," from Pope Benedict's encyclical, "Caritas in Veritate," or in english, "Charity in Truth."
though B16 actually talks a lot about economic issues and seeking the common good in this letter, he still expounds on the rich mandate from Jesus to "love thy neighbor." i took this prompting from the Holy Spirit to mean that in refuting the claims and accusations my 'friend' made against the Church, i still need to be mindful of his dignity as a person and to treat him with love and respect even if he doesn't treat me that way. and i needed to remember that my actions as a professed Catholic Christian do represent my identity in Christ. so i couldn't--and shouldn't--fight fire with fire. that pretty much took the wind out of my sails to continue dialogue with him.
something else i learned [that i'm not so proud of] is that the kind of company i kept when i was in college was keeping me from the path to righteousness... it's sad to say that many times i was the ringleader who was taking groups of people down in flames with me... i don't know how many people i led to sin or put them in situations or places they shouldn't have been... and i am truly sorry. through it all, i had many, many friends and family members who, like st. monica did for 20 years for st. augustine, prayed for my reversion to the faith... i just couldn't see it when i was lost during that time... but i am SO THANKFUL that they never ceased praying for me and hoping that i would turn from the life i was living and come back to the Church. by the grace of God i did, and i'm so happy that i did, but now i realize that literally hundreds of people i know from college know the 'old' me and maybe they're not ready for the 'new' me i've become in Christ...
so this situation with my 'friend' from college has caused me to reflect about who i was back then, who i am now and who i hope to become... what words of wisdom would i share with a group of captive teenagers who will in a few years go off to college and be left to fend for themselves in the real world? this is a very real opportunity i have when i teach my confirmation class so i should make use of the opportunity, right?
i guess lastly i will say that i have been fortified by several friends who have messaged or texted me to say that they were proud of me or happy for me [even though they don't share my beliefs] for sticking up for myself and my beliefs to this 'friend.' just when you think you're fighting the battle alone, reinforcements come in... :)
well, please pray for the situation if you don't mind because as of yet i haven't deleted the guy... at the very next instance of posting negative things on my wall he is a goner, so i'm hopeful that he respects me as a person enough to either unsubscribe from my posts so he's not reminded of my Catholic-zeal every time i update my status or that he just stops being a jerkface and posting things on my wall.
at the end of it all i have to say that i am thankful for the opportunity to love even when i am hated and for the reminder to speak truth in charity and charity in truth.
hope this helps you the next time your faith is challenged in some way... have a great weekend!
pax et bonum,
crystal
Sunday, November 20, 2011
things i've realized about being non-committal...
submitting yourself to the will of God is a very dangerous thing; it is also one of the most liberating things you could ever do in your life.
once you commit yourself to doing whatever God asks of you, you have to do it. there's no backing out of it. you've already said "yes" to God... how can you say, "woops, my bad, God. i was just kidding!" what are you going to tell God--that you weren't thinking straight or had a momentary lapse of sanity? how can you un-commit yourself to following God's will?
see, commitment is a tough concept for me to 'get' because i've been non-committal for as long as i can remember. i actually think i learned to be non-committal as a coping mechanism for dealing with my mom's death as a child. as a 5 year-old, i didn't know why she would ever want to leave us alone. in some way, i guess i thought she chose death to escape her cancer, rather than choosing to stay with us on earth and suffering through her illness. yes, i know it's a completely illogical and irrational thought process, but i wasn't logical or rational at 5 years of age. and i never talked to anyone about it so i never learned the purpose of suffering--how we can be sanctified through our suffering depending on how we deal with things we're dealt--or why people even die.
a couple of years later as a tween, with everything about my mom's death bottled up inside of me, i remember hoping that i never got married because then i'd turn into a mom and might have to leave my children alone one day the way my mom did me and my siblings. i never wanted my children to experience that. what a tragic outcome on my part in dealing with my mother's death...
fast forward to life in my late teens and early 20's... as long as i can remember, i've been non-committal. in college, my friends used to tease me because i seemed to have a revolving door of guys i was dating for a couple of weeks at a time and then they'd be gone. sometimes i'd even date two of them at the same time... i'd date them, then decide that we weren't "right for each other." or i'd say that i wasn't "at that stage" yet where i'd want to settle down and get married, even if they did. or, i'd get bored and i'd lose interest and move on, plain and simple.
23 years would pass before i'd come to understand that my 5-year old sensabilities about life, death and leaving-before-they-left-me had become an impassible hurdle in my life... during my reversion to the Faith, when i reconciled what i had done with God through the Church, i worked with a wonderful spiritual director at my parish in houston and by talking things out with her and praying about them, i was able to see God's hand in every aspect of my life--good and bad--through the years. my non-committal attitude was my youthful(read: immature) way of putting up barricades around my very fragile heart which had never healed from losing my mother at so young an age.
somewhere in my brain, i reasoned that if i didn't commit to any one guy, then i was able to control the circumstances which made my heart vulnerable and could keep my heart safe. i got to call the shots and be in, or out, of a relationship as i pleased.
clearly, this is not the how relationships should function according to Church teaching. in fact, the secular definition of 'relationship' means that two things are found to have an association with one another or even a natural connection. in the Catholic understanding of relationship, it is only by relating with and to others that we become aware of our individuality. as we discover our individuality, we realize that we are naturally wired for community, for relationship with others. what a beautiful paradox, eh? [the Church has much to say about the specific relationship between a man and a woman, in courting and in marriage, and the purpose of the perfect, complementary nature of this relationship. if you are interested in knowing more about this topic, i sincerely hope you will check out john paul the great's theological work, "man and woman He created them: a theology of the body." there is so much to unpack in this work, so much more than just sex, it will leave you with your jaw open!]
so what's the point, you might be asking?
well, i realize now that i'm not non-committal like i thought all these years. i can see how irrational my understanding of why people leave (or die) was and what the end purpose of dating is. i realize that death is actually one of the best things that can happen to a person... in my mom's case, dying released her from the temporal pain she was suffering through since finding out she had cancer a few years prior. and because my mom was a devout Catholic, i know that she believed she would be reunited with our Creator when she left this earth. she knew that this life on earth was not, in fact, the end--it was just a jumping off point to the real beginning of spending eternity in heaven.
i also realize that dating is not merely for recreation, as was my approach throughout college, but it is about seeking out a partner who will help you get to heaven. there is a definite difference between dating and courtship, and hopefully dating leads to courtship, but more often than not, in our modern american culture it doesn't. the purpose of dating in our culture is to have someone to take you out to dinner and a movie, to buy you drinks at the bar, to flirt with you and tell you nice things, to spend the night with to make you feel like your physical needs are being met, to temporarily take your mind off of things that are too uncomfortable to sit with in silence. in my case, all of those things blinded me to the fact that i never dealt with my mom's death. the problem with that approach is that it's temporary, it's not permanent. and if we understand marriage the way the Church teaches--and that should be the ultimate end to dating and courtship--then we should share a unique marriage relationship with one person who knows us inside and out and can support us in tough times and kick our butt into gear when we need it. kinda hard to find a person to help you get to heaven when you're just thinking about when the next person will come along.
now, what does all this have to do with committing to following God's will? well, i've been doing a lot of directed reading, guided prayer, dialogue with people that i trust about what my vocation is, and i believe that i know what God is calling me to. i don't know when it will happen, but i believe that God has been preparing me for marriage. and trust me, it is difficult feeling that God wants me to be a wife and mother and see no prospects in sight. it is too easy to think that i will never find someone at my age and that i should just give up. i have plenty of good-intentioned people offering words of advice and offering to set me up so that i can find someone, anyone as soon as possible. and it would be really easy to get mad, get sad, or get desperately lonely. but, i have committed (for the first time in my life) to following God's will, being patient in His plan for me and seeing my friends' and families' offers to help as longings to see me happy.
i will not give up on my committment to following God's will for me, i will not lose hope that God has been working on someone who is going to be what i need to get me to heaven and that He will reveal this person at the right time.
so this is what committment feels like... i have to admit, it feels pretty peaceful!
pax et bonum,
crystal
once you commit yourself to doing whatever God asks of you, you have to do it. there's no backing out of it. you've already said "yes" to God... how can you say, "woops, my bad, God. i was just kidding!" what are you going to tell God--that you weren't thinking straight or had a momentary lapse of sanity? how can you un-commit yourself to following God's will?
see, commitment is a tough concept for me to 'get' because i've been non-committal for as long as i can remember. i actually think i learned to be non-committal as a coping mechanism for dealing with my mom's death as a child. as a 5 year-old, i didn't know why she would ever want to leave us alone. in some way, i guess i thought she chose death to escape her cancer, rather than choosing to stay with us on earth and suffering through her illness. yes, i know it's a completely illogical and irrational thought process, but i wasn't logical or rational at 5 years of age. and i never talked to anyone about it so i never learned the purpose of suffering--how we can be sanctified through our suffering depending on how we deal with things we're dealt--or why people even die.
a couple of years later as a tween, with everything about my mom's death bottled up inside of me, i remember hoping that i never got married because then i'd turn into a mom and might have to leave my children alone one day the way my mom did me and my siblings. i never wanted my children to experience that. what a tragic outcome on my part in dealing with my mother's death...
fast forward to life in my late teens and early 20's... as long as i can remember, i've been non-committal. in college, my friends used to tease me because i seemed to have a revolving door of guys i was dating for a couple of weeks at a time and then they'd be gone. sometimes i'd even date two of them at the same time... i'd date them, then decide that we weren't "right for each other." or i'd say that i wasn't "at that stage" yet where i'd want to settle down and get married, even if they did. or, i'd get bored and i'd lose interest and move on, plain and simple.
23 years would pass before i'd come to understand that my 5-year old sensabilities about life, death and leaving-before-they-left-me had become an impassible hurdle in my life... during my reversion to the Faith, when i reconciled what i had done with God through the Church, i worked with a wonderful spiritual director at my parish in houston and by talking things out with her and praying about them, i was able to see God's hand in every aspect of my life--good and bad--through the years. my non-committal attitude was my youthful(read: immature) way of putting up barricades around my very fragile heart which had never healed from losing my mother at so young an age.
somewhere in my brain, i reasoned that if i didn't commit to any one guy, then i was able to control the circumstances which made my heart vulnerable and could keep my heart safe. i got to call the shots and be in, or out, of a relationship as i pleased.
clearly, this is not the how relationships should function according to Church teaching. in fact, the secular definition of 'relationship' means that two things are found to have an association with one another or even a natural connection. in the Catholic understanding of relationship, it is only by relating with and to others that we become aware of our individuality. as we discover our individuality, we realize that we are naturally wired for community, for relationship with others. what a beautiful paradox, eh? [the Church has much to say about the specific relationship between a man and a woman, in courting and in marriage, and the purpose of the perfect, complementary nature of this relationship. if you are interested in knowing more about this topic, i sincerely hope you will check out john paul the great's theological work, "man and woman He created them: a theology of the body." there is so much to unpack in this work, so much more than just sex, it will leave you with your jaw open!]
so what's the point, you might be asking?
well, i realize now that i'm not non-committal like i thought all these years. i can see how irrational my understanding of why people leave (or die) was and what the end purpose of dating is. i realize that death is actually one of the best things that can happen to a person... in my mom's case, dying released her from the temporal pain she was suffering through since finding out she had cancer a few years prior. and because my mom was a devout Catholic, i know that she believed she would be reunited with our Creator when she left this earth. she knew that this life on earth was not, in fact, the end--it was just a jumping off point to the real beginning of spending eternity in heaven.
i also realize that dating is not merely for recreation, as was my approach throughout college, but it is about seeking out a partner who will help you get to heaven. there is a definite difference between dating and courtship, and hopefully dating leads to courtship, but more often than not, in our modern american culture it doesn't. the purpose of dating in our culture is to have someone to take you out to dinner and a movie, to buy you drinks at the bar, to flirt with you and tell you nice things, to spend the night with to make you feel like your physical needs are being met, to temporarily take your mind off of things that are too uncomfortable to sit with in silence. in my case, all of those things blinded me to the fact that i never dealt with my mom's death. the problem with that approach is that it's temporary, it's not permanent. and if we understand marriage the way the Church teaches--and that should be the ultimate end to dating and courtship--then we should share a unique marriage relationship with one person who knows us inside and out and can support us in tough times and kick our butt into gear when we need it. kinda hard to find a person to help you get to heaven when you're just thinking about when the next person will come along.
now, what does all this have to do with committing to following God's will? well, i've been doing a lot of directed reading, guided prayer, dialogue with people that i trust about what my vocation is, and i believe that i know what God is calling me to. i don't know when it will happen, but i believe that God has been preparing me for marriage. and trust me, it is difficult feeling that God wants me to be a wife and mother and see no prospects in sight. it is too easy to think that i will never find someone at my age and that i should just give up. i have plenty of good-intentioned people offering words of advice and offering to set me up so that i can find someone, anyone as soon as possible. and it would be really easy to get mad, get sad, or get desperately lonely. but, i have committed (for the first time in my life) to following God's will, being patient in His plan for me and seeing my friends' and families' offers to help as longings to see me happy.
i will not give up on my committment to following God's will for me, i will not lose hope that God has been working on someone who is going to be what i need to get me to heaven and that He will reveal this person at the right time.
so this is what committment feels like... i have to admit, it feels pretty peaceful!
pax et bonum,
crystal
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
you're a human being...
not a human doing.
i've been mulling over this thought for a couple of days now since father james martin, s.j., tweeted it (@jamesmartinsj). there are so many reasons why i love twitter (way simpler than fbook, for one thing!), but mainly because it's fun to 'see' the thoughts of holy men and women and their insights on Scripture, the Faith and living a christian witness...
anyway, this quip spoke to me for several reasons, the most apparent being that i am in a constant battle against the clock! no matter how much stuff i cut out from my schedule, i always seem to have more things to fill my time with... i always justify putting more things on my schedule than i can handle by saying, "volunteering and building community aren't bad things, so it can't be wrong for me to add this to my schedule..." and boom. just like that, i've over-committed myself to doing more than i have time for. again.
btw, would you pray for me that i learn how to say, "no," at some point in my life? :S
i know i haven't written much since coming back from spain and the brief time i spent in samos with the benedictines, so you may not really know how transformative of an experience it was for me. only a few people really know the depths of loneliness and desolation in prayer that i was experiencing prior to leaving for spain. it was heart-wrenching to go through but thankfully, our good Lord sent me the right people at the right time to speak hope into my situation. to those that helped me through that time of spiritual dryness--thank you. i am forever indebted!
when i arrived in spain, i was completely disoriented by my inability to tell what time it was because i forgot to pack a wristwatch and i was too scared to turn on my cell phone because of the astronomical cost of sprint's international data charges. for someone like me who is constantly running from place to place, it was a very unnerving feeling to have no clue what time it was without hunting down a wall clock (which the benedictines didn't have) or asking someone what time it was (gasp! me? ask for help? never!). in hindsight, though it was infinitely frustrating at the time, i am so thankful for that built-in schedule which allowed me to just be and not have to do anything.
in samos, i also experienced for the first time praying the liturgy of the hours. on the plane ride over from the states, i had the pleasure of meeting 3 great guys from auburn university, and they taught me by example how to better live out my faith. usually, i'd see one of them with their nose in a prayer book or silently praying the rosary or something, yet they were the most friendly, joyful, humorous guys i've been around in a long time. they reminded me that this Christian walk, though full of suffering at times, is a joyful walk, too! we are people of the light and of hope and our joy should be shared with everyone we come in contact with! man, did i need that reminder... [this was also a great lesson to learn before we landed in spain because upon arriving in madrid, we heard about the protestors who were antagonizing the WYD participants by shouting at them or throwing things at them... local tv stations covered the incidents and illustrated the differences between them and the WYD participants--it was easy to see on their faces alone! would you prefer to be angry? or happy? it was that simple to see...]
anyway, it was during that week in samos that i walked through the psalter with another FOCUS participant for the first time and talked about what experiencing lauds with the monks was like. every morning we'd gather in their chapel and had the opportunity to pray along (which i was able to do for some of the parts i could understand in spanish, sung in gregorian chant style) or just sit in silence and take in the sounds of the prayers. even now, every couple of nights, i find myself awake at 3 a.m. and feel drawn to join the Church in prayer. amazing...
much of the FOCUS retreat was about building fellowship and living our faith in community, being built up and building up one another by our Christian witness. sometimes, though, i'd go off on my own to walk the neighborhood around the monastery or to just sit in the spanish sun on a bench made of seashells, watching the tourists and townspeople scurry about or i'd read a book or write in my journal.
i relish in the thought of my time spent in samos...
back home in houston, in many of my classes this semester we've talked about the inadequacy of human analogies in describing the glory of God. the most beautiful man-made phrases crafted from expansive vocabularies are, in the end, limited by our humanity and vocabulary. so how do i begin to convey my experience with God?
i guess i can just say that i felt an enveloping peace inside the walls of that monastery. the foam-padded plywood bunks felt like a bed of feathers, put there with the express intention of giving my burdened bones rest for the week. the drafty chapel, cold while still being bathed in sunlight, illumined the lives of the saints, past and present, who accompany me on my walk of faith. and the simplicity of my day, centered around prayer, ordered the chaos in my life.
i think it's so easy to lose focus on the important things in a fast-paced, modern world such as ours... what's funny is the more you experience God, the more you get to know Him, the more you hope and pray that the spiritual encounters continue to happen. but little things get in the way--things like running, school, friends or family, money and job issues--and they rob you of the stillness and quiet that is needed to hear God's voice. it's hard to maintain a balance in life that fulfills our human needs to be social and needed and helpful, while respecting the space and silence that is required to unwind and be at rest in God's presence.
i'm 31 and i'm still trying to find that balance. and i'm still learning how to ask for help. in fact, the only reason i have the time to write this blog is because i was sent home from work for being sick. were it not for this ill-timed sickness, i probably wouldn't have checked-in until thanksgiving break... there is something really wrong with this picture. especially if i believe that God is using me through writing this blog to minister to someone 'out there' in some way. i need to check-in more often...
when i read fr. martin's comment, "you're a human being, not a human doing", it made me stop and think about how i got to this point of busy-ness in my life again. one of the things i'm learning to do is ask for help before i get overwhelmed... so, i humbly ask all of yall out there, would you please pray for me that i a) learn to say "no" things i don't have time to do, b) that i plan my waking hours to include time to rest in and be with God in prayer, and c) that i listen to where God is leading me, specifically in discernment of my vocation, whatever it may be...
pax et bonum,
crystal
i've been mulling over this thought for a couple of days now since father james martin, s.j., tweeted it (@jamesmartinsj). there are so many reasons why i love twitter (way simpler than fbook, for one thing!), but mainly because it's fun to 'see' the thoughts of holy men and women and their insights on Scripture, the Faith and living a christian witness...
anyway, this quip spoke to me for several reasons, the most apparent being that i am in a constant battle against the clock! no matter how much stuff i cut out from my schedule, i always seem to have more things to fill my time with... i always justify putting more things on my schedule than i can handle by saying, "volunteering and building community aren't bad things, so it can't be wrong for me to add this to my schedule..." and boom. just like that, i've over-committed myself to doing more than i have time for. again.
btw, would you pray for me that i learn how to say, "no," at some point in my life? :S
i know i haven't written much since coming back from spain and the brief time i spent in samos with the benedictines, so you may not really know how transformative of an experience it was for me. only a few people really know the depths of loneliness and desolation in prayer that i was experiencing prior to leaving for spain. it was heart-wrenching to go through but thankfully, our good Lord sent me the right people at the right time to speak hope into my situation. to those that helped me through that time of spiritual dryness--thank you. i am forever indebted!
when i arrived in spain, i was completely disoriented by my inability to tell what time it was because i forgot to pack a wristwatch and i was too scared to turn on my cell phone because of the astronomical cost of sprint's international data charges. for someone like me who is constantly running from place to place, it was a very unnerving feeling to have no clue what time it was without hunting down a wall clock (which the benedictines didn't have) or asking someone what time it was (gasp! me? ask for help? never!). in hindsight, though it was infinitely frustrating at the time, i am so thankful for that built-in schedule which allowed me to just be and not have to do anything.
in samos, i also experienced for the first time praying the liturgy of the hours. on the plane ride over from the states, i had the pleasure of meeting 3 great guys from auburn university, and they taught me by example how to better live out my faith. usually, i'd see one of them with their nose in a prayer book or silently praying the rosary or something, yet they were the most friendly, joyful, humorous guys i've been around in a long time. they reminded me that this Christian walk, though full of suffering at times, is a joyful walk, too! we are people of the light and of hope and our joy should be shared with everyone we come in contact with! man, did i need that reminder... [this was also a great lesson to learn before we landed in spain because upon arriving in madrid, we heard about the protestors who were antagonizing the WYD participants by shouting at them or throwing things at them... local tv stations covered the incidents and illustrated the differences between them and the WYD participants--it was easy to see on their faces alone! would you prefer to be angry? or happy? it was that simple to see...]
anyway, it was during that week in samos that i walked through the psalter with another FOCUS participant for the first time and talked about what experiencing lauds with the monks was like. every morning we'd gather in their chapel and had the opportunity to pray along (which i was able to do for some of the parts i could understand in spanish, sung in gregorian chant style) or just sit in silence and take in the sounds of the prayers. even now, every couple of nights, i find myself awake at 3 a.m. and feel drawn to join the Church in prayer. amazing...
much of the FOCUS retreat was about building fellowship and living our faith in community, being built up and building up one another by our Christian witness. sometimes, though, i'd go off on my own to walk the neighborhood around the monastery or to just sit in the spanish sun on a bench made of seashells, watching the tourists and townspeople scurry about or i'd read a book or write in my journal.
i relish in the thought of my time spent in samos...
back home in houston, in many of my classes this semester we've talked about the inadequacy of human analogies in describing the glory of God. the most beautiful man-made phrases crafted from expansive vocabularies are, in the end, limited by our humanity and vocabulary. so how do i begin to convey my experience with God?
i guess i can just say that i felt an enveloping peace inside the walls of that monastery. the foam-padded plywood bunks felt like a bed of feathers, put there with the express intention of giving my burdened bones rest for the week. the drafty chapel, cold while still being bathed in sunlight, illumined the lives of the saints, past and present, who accompany me on my walk of faith. and the simplicity of my day, centered around prayer, ordered the chaos in my life.
i think it's so easy to lose focus on the important things in a fast-paced, modern world such as ours... what's funny is the more you experience God, the more you get to know Him, the more you hope and pray that the spiritual encounters continue to happen. but little things get in the way--things like running, school, friends or family, money and job issues--and they rob you of the stillness and quiet that is needed to hear God's voice. it's hard to maintain a balance in life that fulfills our human needs to be social and needed and helpful, while respecting the space and silence that is required to unwind and be at rest in God's presence.
i'm 31 and i'm still trying to find that balance. and i'm still learning how to ask for help. in fact, the only reason i have the time to write this blog is because i was sent home from work for being sick. were it not for this ill-timed sickness, i probably wouldn't have checked-in until thanksgiving break... there is something really wrong with this picture. especially if i believe that God is using me through writing this blog to minister to someone 'out there' in some way. i need to check-in more often...
when i read fr. martin's comment, "you're a human being, not a human doing", it made me stop and think about how i got to this point of busy-ness in my life again. one of the things i'm learning to do is ask for help before i get overwhelmed... so, i humbly ask all of yall out there, would you please pray for me that i a) learn to say "no" things i don't have time to do, b) that i plan my waking hours to include time to rest in and be with God in prayer, and c) that i listen to where God is leading me, specifically in discernment of my vocation, whatever it may be...
pax et bonum,
crystal
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