the four loves...

memorial day...
first, a word of gratitude to the men and women who have served our country:
thank you for making the ultimate sacrifice during peace and in war to fight for our freedom. thank you for doing your "job" on a daily basis. thank you for being strong enough to bear the burden for so many of your countrymen who have yet to realize what freedom really is. plain and simple: thank you for giving your lives in service to our country.

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

secondly, i have to make a quick confession... i've been hesitating writing this blog for over a week and a half now because i'm still trying to process my thoughts and feelings and i don't want to jump the gun and put things out there before understanding what it is i mean to say. any of that make sense?

with that said, please bear with me as i try to get my point across...

i've just finished my first year of grad school at UST and i've been so blessed in so many ways, it's hard to keep track of every blessing God gives me! it hasn't been easy, of course, because so many times this past year i've been overwhelmed with the pace of reading--nouwen, macintyre, von hildebrand, JPII, c.s. lewis, then-Cardinal Ratzinger--over 100 pages per class per week. the thing is, this material is not just stuff you read and regurgitate on an exam and you're done with it; you read it and it sticks with you, it shapes your thoughts and perceptions, it helps guide your actions and emotions... this is the formation i've been searching for!

for years now--literally years--i've been beating myself up for the decisions i made in my past, things i've done or didn't do but should have, or said or shouldn't have said, things that i'm not proud of... the memories of the person i used to be still creep in and cast doubt on the life i'm trying to lead now... at some point i'll feel comfortable enough to talk about my experiences and what i've learned from them and the enormity of God's healing power in my life; for now, i'll just say that i am a different person than who i was. thank God! i meditate on this verse when i feel anxiety about who i was and who i strive to be in Christ:

2 Corinthians 5:17 - So whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come.

anyway, my whole purpose in telling you this is that i've learned a LOT about love because of this program that i'm in... did you know you can learn about love in the academic sense of the word, not just the warm-fuzzy feeling, hands entwined, butterflies-in-your stomach love that the media sells us (which we subsequently buy into) around valentine's day?! i had no idea that there existed another kind of love besides that commercial, played-out hallmark kind of love.

as a kid, i'd longed for the kind of 'love' a father shows his daughter by giving her warm hugs and sweet kisses; instead, i had a stern, hard-working father who showed his love by putting a roof over my head and food on the table. as a teen and 20-something, i longed for the 'love' i thought a boyfriend would give me by taking me out on dates and being free with compliments and affection; instead, i dated randomly and aimlessly, guys who made empty promises and guys who never made any promises; guys who gave me the material things they thought i wanted and guys who took freely from my material things and my giving heart.

i can't really explain what the past year has done for healing my heart and helping me to understand what love really means. neither the kind of love i hoped my dad would give me or the love i hoped to find in a boyfriend were the kind of love that Jesus tells us we should have for our neighbor. this past year of reading forced me to ask myself, "what do i know about love?"

i had to look at who i am as a human being, created by God and in His image. i've come to understand being created in His image means that my longing for love comes from a deep, intrinsic desire for relationship. the Triune God--the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit--is the perfect example of this relationship. when we are in right relationship with those around us (family, friends, neighbors, strangers) our hearts and minds are at peace. there is balance in our life. order arises out of the disorder of our busy lives. relationship is what all of our hearts desire...

i also had to understand that the love i've been seeking is not the love that Jesus says we should have for our neighbor--friends, family, foes alike. to have and to give this kind of love would be the highest form of love possible--agape. all i've ever wanted was father-daughter love (storge) and boyfriend-girlfriend love (eros)... turns out i've been missing the whole point of love! agape

it's amazing how that shift in perspective of the love i should be striving for has impacted my thoughts, words and actions... and it's helped shape the exmaple of Christ i hope to be to others.

understanding love a little better has helped me to get over some really irrational fears and anxieties i've harbored about being in a relationship again (whenever that should happen) and eventually getting married and having a family. love is self-giving. it's self-emptying. it's self-sacrificing. it's what Jesus did for each of us. God has put it on my heart that one day i'll get married and have a family... between now and then, i hope to get my hands dirty loving those around me instead of sitting on the sidelines just talking and reading about love and i want to learn to trust in His timing.

when you get a chance, say a prayer for me... that i grow in patience and love and trust in His plan for me.

and i hope you know that i love you as a brother or sister in Christ.

the love that never leaves...

hi friends & family...

i realize it's been a while since i've posted on here... i haven't exactly kept my new year's resolutions for 2011 (which were to get back to running [which i have been working on, i promise!], sending actual cards in the mail for life events such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc., and watching at least 30 mins a week of tv) but i have been busy. perhaps i'll try being less busy and being more focused with my time and efforts? maybe that should have been my resolution for 2011... hmmmm? is it too late for a mulligan?

yikes. it's may 8th and i haven't stuck to a single resolution. GULP!!! well, i have started hitting the trails again, and slowly but surely, i will get back to being my former road-running warrior... i will. look out, world, crystal is coming back!

:)

on another note, in my job as a nanny i am constantly chasing around little munchkins: playing with them, tying their shoes, drawing/coloring/painting/sidewalk chalking, bandaging up booboos, etc... though i don't have any kids of my own (yet, perhaps?) i am 10,000% in awe of what you moms out there do on a daily (and nightly) basis... and, seeing as how it's mother's day, i wanted to wish you all a Happy Mother's Day! no one in this world would be who they are without their mother... you are special, dear moms of the world! and you are loved. ever so dearly.

this time of year is always hard to experience for me because, well, i'm human and i have feelings and emotions that i can't totally control, no matter how much time passes... i was 5 when my mom died from cancer and now i'm 30. i'll be 31 in september and every year that passes is no easier to handle than the year previous, which is both comforting (that i remember my mother) and painful (that she is no longer here).

the funny thing is that the more i learn about my faith, the more sure i am that my mom taught me what i needed to know in those short 5 years i had with her. in hindsight, and through much prayer, i realize that the most precious gift she ever gave me was the gift of faith... Catholic faith. as a teenager and 20-something i was so angry at God and at the doctors and at the cancer that i couldn't see the testament of faith she lived as she handled being sick for so long... even with 3 small children at home and a sad, worried husband juggling all the pressures that her illness brought on, she was always happy to see us and the family and friends who flocked to her hospital room to keep her company.

well, i'm a grownup now (sorta?) and though i'm not yet a wife or a mother, i hope--someday, if it's God's will--that i have the opportunity to be that example of faith to my own family. thanks, mom, for being the first example of Christ's love that i ever knew.

i can't forget all the wonderful women in my life who were there to pick up where my mom left off and were also pillars of faith to me... i have learned so much from them all, but mostly i learned how to love. thanks mom (my stepmom, janie, who raised me), my tia alice, my tia eva (i pray for you daily!), grandma nacha (a soldier for Christ if ever i met one) and all the wonderful ladies in my family i haven't named... you have all made me the woman i am today and i can't thank you enough for loving me. Happy Mother's Day!

:)

this last part of my blog is a plea for prayers about my trip to world youth day in madrid, spain this august... as most of you have already heard, i applied and was selected to be part of a group of 88 college and graduate students from across the country to attend WYD 2011 as part of the Fellowship of Catholic University Students (FOCUS) pilgrimage... FOCUS has planned a week-long pilgrimage through Spain, following The Way of St. James (El Camino de Santiago de Compostela) followed by a week spent among other young adult Catholics at WYD with the Holy Father Pope Benedict XVI. i am excited, honored and humbled to be included in this group of people that were chosen among the hundreds of other applicants who wanted to go... i am also a teensy bit worried about my finances right now--so please pray that my anxieties will eased by God's sure hand. i've got to meet payment deadlines for the WYD trip, i have tuition to pay for summer school this coming monday along with living expenses for the rest of the summer. all of this on a reduced income. last tuesday my employer told me that out of the 12 weeks they originally told me i'd be working leading up to my august trip, they'll actually only need me 5 or 6 weeks this summer. yeouch!

anyway, i look back to last year when i was preparing to leave for brasil for 3 months and one financial setback after another seemed to find my bank account. somehow, God provided a way for me to get all of my expenses and other needs met for the trip and put my heart at ease. nothing but prayer changed the situation i was in--hence the plea for prayers now. :)

please, take a moment to pray for my situation--i believe there's a reason all of this is happening--i just want to make sure that i do what God wants me to do and not what i want to do. i keep thinking, "Thy will be done." so, there, i've said it... please pray for clarity in this situation. and please pray for the people planning WYD and all the people who are planning to go... attendance estimates are looking around 1 million people right now, so please pray for safety and for changed lives. Jesus, i trust in You.

thanks for reading... please know that i'm praying for you and your intentions, whatever they may be. i hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day and take a moment to tell your mom you love her... and give her a hug. for me. :)

peace in Christ,
~crystal