oh, how i miss brasil!

hi everyone!

it's been exactly a month since i've been back in the states and it's been exactly a month since i've missed being in brasil...

i've been meaning to post an update for a few weeks now but things just haven't felt quite right... so, i guess now on the eve of my 30th birthday (yikes!) it's finally time for the update... things have settled down some--at least enough for me to write what comes to mind...

well, let me start by saying that my heart aches to be in brasil again! coming back to the states isn't easy after experiencing such an amazing gift of time, family and experience as i did in brasil... i miss everything about it. period. i miss my wonderful families, my amazing host sisters, the kids and staff at the creche, the sights, smells and sounds of bh, those crazy steep hills, the dry heat, taking the bus, cheap street-vendor food, amazing home-cooked meals, the beautiful brasilian Church... i miss it all. it comforts me to know that it won't be my last time to be in brasil, i'm just counting down the days until i can go back and be brasilian me again...

speaking of which, i had originally intended to come 'home' right after christmas through the first part of january... as it stands right now, i haven't been able to find a job yet so my travel plans are on hold until my finances are more secure... if i'm not able to financially travel back in december, i'll set my sights on carnaval or the summer... i hope that i can find some kind of job--anything at this point--to get me working again, earning money and that much closer to brasil!

literally the day after us BIPs got back from brasil i started graduate school at the university of st. thomas... it has been such an amazing experience already and i'm only a month into my master's program... but it is literally the most exciting thing i've ever done (aside from actually being IN brasil!) and i know it's exactly where God wants me to be... i know it has been hard for some of my family and friends to get behind me and support me in this part of my faith journey, and there's not much i can say to calm their fears and questions... all i can say is that all the struggles, trials, triumphs and successes in my life have brought me to this point, and i know in my heart i'm supposed to be here. please consider saying a prayer for my family and friends, who in their loving concern, want answers about why i quit my job to volunteer in a foreign country and then start going to school again. help them find the peace i've found in my journey.

i find it hilarious that my portuguese still comes out of my mouth and flows in my head so naturally... i tell people that i'm tri-lingual; i am a native speaker in english, i am somewhat skilled in speaking portuguese but i'm still learning spanish! whenever i try to speak spanish it always comes out in portuguese... i think it's a sign! ha! :)

i also wanted to tell you all that my experiences in brasil helped me work through a lot of things in my life that were holding me back... it's hard to explain unless you've experienced what i've experienced, but i've spent most of my adult life doubting myself, doubting my abilities and doubting my purpose in life. being in brasil and learning to depend on myself was the swift kick in the pants that i needed to learn to believe in myself again... many times throughout the summer i'd go off on a little adventure, just trying to get lost in the city somewhere on my own to be with my thoughts, talk with God, pray and write in my journal... there were a few times when i was lost, disoriented, or uncomfortable with the surroundings i had walked into but in hindsight i realize that it only took me a few minutes to focus, concentrate and make a plan of action and get myself going again... i wasn't expecting that, but i did it. i've never been so proud of myself as i was when i realized one day that i was actually taking shortcuts through downtown belo to get from one bus stop to another on my way to a friend's house or to get to the acm... i was even more surprised with myself when i managed to make my way from a small town airport in viracopas an hour and half away all the way to downtown sao paolo, point-zero, center of the city to meet my missionary host... i didn't know i could do that, but i did it. i also guided myself and two of my fellow BIPs around rio de janeiro, through neighborhoods, tourist attractions and the amazing beaches. somewhere along the way i learned to trust myself again. what an amazing revelation!

while i was in brasil i also confessed to a priest for the first time in portuguese and it was such an amazing and emotional experience... in brasil, i learned not only to trust myself but i learned how to forgive myself... what a freeing thing to experience--but really and truly experience!!!--God's mercy and forgiveness in my heart... i wish i could write it all down and tell you exactly what it means to me but words can't even begin to describe it... what i can say is that some burdens i've been carrying around for years are finally gone from my shoulders and i don't have to carry them around anymore...

i'd say the most groundbreaking thing that i experienced was charity. just geniune, honest love for one's neighbor... i am in awe that these strangers (at the time) would take me in, welcome me into their home and make me a part of their family... i got to experience the best things in life three times over! what a feeling to me, to be loved unconditionally by three amazing families... it helped me to realize a lot about my own family back here in texas... and how to better love them.

i think the most powerful thing i learned while i was there was that i, too, am worthy and deserving of love in my life... i know to other people it's kind of a given, that you might be this awesome person and someday you will meet another awesome person to spend the rest of your life with... well, when i left texas i didn't know that. i couldn't honestly say that i deserved to meet and be with someone amazing... i knew i had lots of qualities that someone might like, but they definitely couldn't love someone like me... well... something changed me intrinsically, it was grace, i just know it... but what hurt before, what was broken before, what was unsure of before, what was incomplete before, what was lonely before--all of it is gone. i am not in a rush to find or meet someone, but i know that whenever it happens, it's gonna be awesome. i just know it.

and for once in my life, i am ready to be in a relationship with a man who deserves an amazing person like me.

what an amazing gift brasil was to me.

thank you for sharing in my journey over these past few months and please continue to read along on my blog as the rest of my life experiences unfold... in His time.

tchau,
crystal